It reflects bad on me

Written on 7 Dec 2017

Today both my manager and my best friend in office told me that my presentation reflected bad on me. It showed that I came unprepared to the meeting.

Well, I agree with that. Coz I only started looking at the data yesterday late afternoon for a while. And then today I only started to focus 30 mins before the meeting.

In the first place, I knew that I would keep delaying. That is the reason I asked the principal engineer last week to include me sharing the data in this week’s meeting. Because I knew that if there is no physical deadline such as having to present, then I will not prepare at all.

At the same time, it is true that I was not ready to present for larger audience. It reflected bad on me as I did not prepare enough. Somehow I did not care. I even dared to tell the audiences that I only prepared the presentation 1 hour before the meeting and will add the material later on.

That was a sign that I swing to the other extreme where I did not care at all about image from the other extreme of caring about image too much. I also tried to defend myself that at least that was better already as compared to not doing at all.

I need to remember, that was not the only solution. There is a spectrum of alternatives. For example I could set a deadline to present with my co-system integrator. So I still have a deadline to present but not to the larger audience. At least the larger audience can receive 2nd draft or even 3rd or 4th later on.

So let’s aim this coming new year to present at least a 2nd draft to the larger audience if not more.

Jumping to Conclusion

My recent Japan trip reminds me that I tend to jump to conclusion. Last month my best friend in office already gave a feedback that I often jumped into conclusion with a limited data. His recommendation was to suspend judgment and to collect enough data before making a conclusion.

My Kyoto trip showed how wrong I could be in jumping to conclusion. I went to Kyoto for the first time in June 2014. As it was a packed trip, I only allocated a day trip to Kyoto from Osaka. I reached there in the morning. I bought a bus pass and then took bus. I made a mistake by alighting at the wrong place. It caused me and my wife to walk so many steps to the nearest tourist spot under the hot sun. I concluded that Kyoto is an old city with nothing to see except nice sceneries or beautiful temples. I went back at around 3 pm to Osaka on that day.

This holiday we decided to give a second chance by staying in Kyoto for three nights. That is where I realized that I was completely wrong. Kyoto has two of its own subway lines and there are other inter-cities lines that reaches other places inside Kyoto. In short the train network is quite solid. Also, apparently there are many malls and modern buildings. We also went to Kyoto tower where albeit its lower height, the experience was one of the nicest as it provides free and many binoculars around the circular platform that we could even see the face of people walking in the road.

It also has many nice food - something that is against my conclusion in 2014 where I said nice food can only be found in Osaka. In fact, Kyoto has Pontocho, an area of narrow alleys of fine dining. We did not try due to its expensive prices - again against my previous conclusion of Kyoto as only a traditional place.

In other trips, I also tend to be more aware of jumping into conclusion when observing something. So hopefully I can keep practicing to hold my judgment and collect more data first before making a conclusion. At least, just update my hypothesis first and then collect more data to assess the hypothesis.

The Pacer

Tomorrow would be my first Standar Chartered run. I participated in 10 km and so there are no pacers to follow on the day. But thank God for He granted me a friend who becomes the pacer in my training. Yesterday was my third session with him.

Now I understand better on how important the role of the pacer is. Without him, I may tend to run faster in the beginning. He reminded me that the run is still far and therefore to keep the pace reasonable. As the minutes go by, my distance with him keeps increasing. This means that I started to lose out the excitement, in other word, things get tougher. Having a pacer is helpful for me to focus to just follow Him, in fact no need to look far, just try that we keep the same distance as the Pacer. And during our last lap, he usually speeds up to give all he has, and so I also learn to create second wind. Last time I thought second wind is automatic. Apparently it is not, it is when we feel weak but we have the faith that we can do more than that. And so the second wind is created. There is usually no third win. So the moment we slow down during second wind - I experienced it due to the temptation to slow down as there are few people in front; we kind of lose it and it is hard to maintain the pace.

How about my usual life? Do I make Jesus to be my pacer? Do I fix my eyes upon Him so that the things of earth will grow strangely dim? As I reflected my journey of up and down, one thing becomes clear, I need a pacer of my emotion too which means I need to follow the pacer and not my emotion And that pacer is Jesus.

Making others worry

Tomorrow at 1 pm is the deadline is for packing to be completed to move to the new office. I only managed to start packing yesterday and today I still tried to do some works instead of focusing to pack. This made my boss and several colleagues to worry about me.

The admins started to remind me yesterday. Then my mentor looked for me several times to help and I declined because I was busy. Only in the afternoon, he managed to hold on me and helped me onto some of my part. Then my best friend in office said that I would need 3-4 hours to pack of which my reply is just nice since tomorrow I plan to come at 9 am - what an arrogant answer from me. My neighbor in office was surprised that I did not look panic. Instead of heeding to her reminder, I took it as compliment.

What I failed to see is the impact of my bad habit of last minute. Or perhaps I ignore them purposely. For example, my neighbor in office had a dream where she and me and few people were controlled by something and we were trapped in darkness. It is a good bridge as we are all controlled by sin if we do not get the light who is in Jesus.

I also missed to do important stuffs such as preparing insurance document for my wife and calling CPF about HPS, calling a shop about our bumper for baby cot, and taking care of the order from Amazon. All of those I missed.

So I pray that God may change my heart of stone and give a heart that regrets and is willing to change.

Excited even when things are difficult

Recently I think about my counsellor’s suggestion to think on how I can stop and pause when I am excited. The reason is that when I am excited I tend to go on for long period of time in doing that when I am actually already busy with others and end up neglect those more important things. I mentioned to my counsellor that if I can pause such as take a deep breath and acknowledging both my desires and my responsibilities, I can re-prioritize and make decision with bearing the consequences in mind.

The problem is that how I can stop. One of the ways that work is the pomodoro technique where we give a small break every 25 minutes. Well it works for me but the frequency is perhaps less than half. Most of the time I either forgot to set the time or ignore when the 25 minutes is up.

Today I receive different perspective on this. My best friend in office asked me what if I am someone who tends to be excited? Do I have to deny myself which may end up to another crisis such as mid-life crisis asking who I really am? How about maintaining the excitement and deepning it to maintain the excitement when things are difficult. What he observed is that I am excited to do or go to certain destination. But when I reach that milestones of destination and see things are difficult, I will reverse the direction almost in the opposite instead of going to the direction that I wanted to go before. In other word, I can be excited, but excitement with grit. Just like this blog. When things are difficult such as time is running out like now, I tend to give up. So thank God that today I still managed to maintain the excitement to do 3x 5 minutes of duolingo and this 5 minute blog. And may I be reminded of what my friend says: we can be confident if we have a strong backing. So if God is with us, what are we afraid of? Perhaps we don’t feel afraid and feel more of ashamed or embarassment or something else, but perhaps down in our heart, at least in my heart, there is a fear that forgot that our God is bigger than anything.

The Case For Christ

Written on 25 Nov 2017

Today I got the chance to watch the Case for Christ in the cinema. It is based on Lee Strobel’s journey captured in the book with same title to prove that Jesus’ resurrection did not exist scientifically.

Initially I thought that it will be purely on the mind with all the arguments. It turns out there are many emotional aspects as well. That reminds me that we, human, are integrated in terms of mind and emotion.

It was inspiring to see someone who truly seeks the truth. Many of us especially me often excuse myself of not studying by saying we just need to trust. Well it is true that salvation is by grace alone. But each of us is granted with different talents. And if we are educated scientifically, there are no reasons that we should bury them and just ignore our ability and training to ask scientific questions.

Some of the questions were how reliable is the Bible? How can we trust Jesus’ resurrection that was told with different details in the four Gospels? How did we know that the 500 over witnesses did not lie? How did we know that Jesus really died? Why did Jesus need to die?

Another thing I learnt is perseverance. When Leslie Strobel decided to follow Jesus, she experienced strong opposition from Lee Strobel that she felt like giving up. But the suggestion from her fellow believer is this: God will make things beautiful in His time and our part is to be patient and keep asking God to give us a heart of flesh and not a heart of stone that does not want to see the truth.

Start Packing in Office

This Thursday afternoon my office will move to new building. Although the move has been announced long time ago, I only started to pack today, and around 15 minutes only. So practically there are still many things that I need to pack.

As happened many times before, I underestimated the time needed to do something. This morning I expected to give only 15 mins for briefing our test engineers to do something. It turns out that it needs 45 mins in the morning and another 45 mins in the afternoon to make up on what I did not cover in the morning. Also, there is a section meeting that takes 1.5 hour in the afternoon, something that I forgot to account today.

So I targeted 2x25 mins for packing today and only realized 15 mins. And that 15 mins was the last 15 mins I was in the office today. Well, it is still something to be thankful of since I was thinking to do something else in my last 15 minute in office.

Also I wanted to do some calling about insurance but did not manage to do so. I also have not started typing the review of the IEEE paper of which deadline is today.

Another underestimating effect that I experience today is that our helper is not feeling today. So I left home later than usual so that I can arrange the lunch delivery for my grandma and our helper. I also went down to Sheng Shiong after dinner to buy some breakfast tomorrow together with bread and Chye Sim in case they need them tomorrow. That takes time as well.

Well, I can’t change the past. What I can only do is tomorrow. I need to remember that there are many commitments that I have already made including meeting different friends for the next three days. I also need to remember that this coming Sunday is the 10 km run. So I need to be careful in the activities. One thing I am grateful today is the fact that I can let go the beginning of day and end of day of manufacturing build support since my colleague is there and objectively there is no need for me to call in. That was a good decision.

Franchising Church

Today my previous pastor becomes the guest pastor for today’s service. It was great to listen to him again and on how he confirmed his calling to serve in Indonesia as a lecturer in a seminary. He then shared on how he had been to different churches in different part of Indonesia since he came back to Indonesia this year’s March.

He said, it is a sad thing to see there are more and more “church franchise”. That means there are a group of people who try to copy paste the success of a particular church which has different culture than the local culture. An example is on how the Western church has segmentized the congregations into several services such as the traditional service, the normal service, and the contemporary service in the name of satisfying different needs or even in the name of evangelism.

The danger is that we stop thinking the moment we relies to much on the franchise. Perhaps for food it is still possible as we want the consistency of the taste. But when it comes to human, it is not wise to force a certain system with cultural baggage to be implemented. Even if it starts with copy paste, it requires for an adaption to the local context.

Also, I learnt that a lot of us, both church goers and not, tend to like the idea of harmony. But somehow we stick to be with people with the same background and we are not comfortable to be with those who are different than us. So in other words, we are not ready to pay the cost for realizing those harmony image.

The suggestion is to have a mental image on the impact of the harmony. Also, we need to have a common goal to pursue, a goal where we can prioritize it over our differences. This reminds me not just for church but for my office. We have many talented people but often we can’t be in harmony and so wasted unnecessary efforts. How good it is if we can have the same purpose and putting aside our differences. How to do it? Let’s start from the smallest which is for me to learn to be less last minute to increase the quality of work according to what is needed.

Having my bag trapped in MRT

Last Tuesday I went back home as usual from office. I stood near the opposite door of the door I entered in Queenstown to give way for next passengers. Dover is a unique station and so the door just behind my back was opened. Somehow a part of my bag’s strap went out and the door was closed.

My immediate reaction was just to watch and then pretend nothing happened after an unsuccessful attempt to pull it. When the stations reach Clementi I tried again and it’s still not working, my bag was still trapped. So I became anxious but didn’t have any solution as we can’t speak to the driver.

I tried to go to the nearest communicator to find there is someone standing to it. So I went back again. Then one person gave the advice to me to call the whatsapp number on the sticker pasted in mrt. But no one picked up. So at the end I decided to press the emergency button. But because the staff also could not do much, I waited until the end of the train where the door will be opened when going back. It was fortunate that there is train fault that the train stopped at Joo Koon instead of Tuas Link.

Lesson learned, things can happen anytime. And during those time, it’s very hard to pray. Thankfully we have God who is not passive. He is in control and will help us even when we do not remember or know how to ask for help. And somehow we will be able to go through it with His grace.

What else make it hard to write

This is my second post this month. I did not manage to write again for the past two days.

I forgot why I did not write on Tuesday night although I had something to write about - the experience of having my bag trapped by the mrt door in Dover that caused me to press the emergency button and had to go to Joo Koon for the door to open again.

As for yesterday, I did not write because I was too angry for myself. Because I was busy replying e-mail, I did not check the message from my wife resulting me miss the train where she was in. How stupid I am! That’s what I told me myself. How could you do that, another scoulding to myself. Thank God that I managed to handle that strong emotion and accepted the fact that it took time to cool down just the way my red ear needed time to recover on last Tuesday due to the nervousness and embarrassment of my trapped bag. So at the end I did not write yesterday night.

Today I almost did not write because I am too tired. At 9.30 pm I was too sleepy that I decided to sleep for a while. It was because I woke up again that I finally can start writing again.

I also need to remind myself that I am not doing this for quota or for avoiding the lowest record of number of writing. But let this be one of the way for me to stop and to reflect my excitements and re-prioritize.

Too Busy To Write

Again, I feel that I am too busy to write. This is my first post in November even when there are so many things that I have learned this month. For example, by God’s grace, I learnt a lot during my trip to Bangkok earlier this month. Also, there is re-org happening in my department. I had a wonderful cell group session last Saturday. At the same time, I know some people who are struggling. My counseling continues well and asks me to rethink the way I prioritize. My office is going to move soon to the new building. In short, there are so many things that are happening. But somehow I feel I am too busy to write.

What I was trying to say was perhaps that I do not want to slow down. When I do not even want to spend 5 minutes to write, that means I do not want to slow down in any way that I am doing. I want to keep doing things, switching to another task right after I am done. I do not want to pause and write my thoughts, my worries, my exhaustions, or the things I am grateful of.

After this, I need to write feedback to five of my colleagues. It is going to be tough. But I guess the idea is to just write what my thoughts are just like finally I took the courage to write down these thoughts no matter how immature or how incomplete it is. I just want to write, organize my thoughts as I am writing instead of waiting them to be very organized. So, let’s get back up again, write small, take the courage of being imperfect.

Receiving Feedback

Yesterday I was emotional again when receiving feedback from my colleagues. Again, I swing from feeling not being able to do anything to feeling being able to do everything. From I am always wrong to I am always right.

So when yesterday my colleague reminds me that I need to prepare for the business trip next week, I became upset. My pride got better of me. I thought I didn’t deserve to receive that kind of feedback since I felt I had improved a lot in the past one month. But this sounds familiar. Last April I also became angry when my wife and my best friend in office gave me a reminder. Thank God that yesterday I did not respond immediately and kept the thoughts inside my heart.

Today I realized how crucial that kind of feedback is. I had decided to focus on the aligned tasks first in the morning. Yet I had difficulty to meet the plan for finishing before lunch. I was rushing before lunch that at the end I just ate QQ rice. And although I came back from an event earlier than my colleague, I still could not finish what we targeted yesterday because of the new problems that I did not expect.

Well, I guess it’s time for me to apply the learning on how to receive feedback. To practice to depend on God and open for constructive feedback. Also, to adjust the expectation. Yesterday I planned to attend a whole day event today. But at the end I only went for two hours and it was already rushing to go back to complete my work.

As today is the 500th year from Reformation, may I remember that things may have been different if the critics were received. So I hope I can use this moment to make sure that I am open to the feedback God has granted instead of waiting for someone to nail on my heart.

Sharing My Intent or Need Clearly

The three things I am grateful today is around the learning for sharing my intent or need clearly.

First, I am happy that my problem yesterday was solved today. I requested the logistics team to do one extra transport for my printers in the lab and it was approved. Like what my friend said yesterday and another colleague said this morning, I just need to share my intent or need that I need the printers to the lab by certain date. There is no need to try to find solution for the logistics team such as the three scenarios I could think of yesterday. I need to learn to trust other to find the solution. So it was amazing when the conversation was only less than 5 mins once I shared what my needs are.

Secondly, I was also amazed that there were share supplies from other test. I just need to indicate the quantity and type I want together on whom should collect the items.

Third, I was asking the firmware team to do something for me. I assumed that person is very busy. But since he asked me to check today. I just checked with him and apparently he is considered free because he is someone that only work if there is an immediate way for testing it. Since his test tool was borrowed by others, he can help me do what I need. I was just imagining if I delayed contacting him today. I may miss out the windows that he is free.

In conclusion, no need to assume what is best for others. Just say our intent or need clearly and let the others respond freely.

Three things I am grateful of

I join a challenge called EcoChallenge in office. They have many different categories of challenge from waste, health, water, food, and many more. The one I chose is on happiness category with the action is to write down three things every day that I am grateful for.

I know that I am grateful for God’s grace in a given day. But I don’t usually write it down.

So let’s practice it. Three things that I am grateful today are my best friend in office’s constructive critic and reminder; for my wife’s willingness to wait for me; and for being able to make prayer meeting’s advertisement as planned.

My best friend in office reminded me the need for trying myself all the things that I need for business trip two weeks later. He reminded me that those preparation may take a week by itself. I was reluctant at first as I feel busy. But he was right. Those preparations are actually of higher priority than what I want to do this week and next week.

I know my wife is struggling in the afternoon and she prefers to go back from office early. At the same time, there are so many things I need to do that going back from office before 6.20 is hard. Thanks to my wife for willing to adjust to my timing.

In the midst of many overdue items, I am grateful that I can do what I delayed yesterday: to make a text announcement and contact my friend to create a slide for the upcoming prayer meeting.

I am also grateful that I can write again after four days feeling too busy to write at night.

Give Thanks and Rejoice

It has been four days since the sermon by Rev. Petrus from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 which asks us to rejoice always, pray continually, and give thanks in all things. I was very inspired. At the same time, it is difficult to do it. Even I could not continue the initial plan few weeks ago to learn to count the blessings in each day. Recently I also signed up a challenge on how to count the positive things in each day. But even with the correct understanding, it is still difficult thing to do.

What is the correct understanding of giving thanks and rejoice? Rev. Petrus reminded us that it does not mean we give thanks to the event which upset us. On the contrary, we give thanks because we know that God can use any event including bad event for our own good. The devotion Everyday with Jesus also reminded me how to handle failure - accept the failure with the willingness to experience the pain instead of ignoring it or running away; find what we contributed and how to prevent next time, and again, trust that God can make it to something for our own good. The podcast from John Piper also reminded that if we do not give thanks, it means that we rely on ourselves.

So what makes it difficult to practice? One of the things I can think of is the busyness. It is hard to pause to count the blessings. It is easy to count mistakes when we are down. But when we are up, it is not easy to stop as we focus on the things not yet completed. On Monday, I tried to do one by one. At the same time, I learned to handle unexpected event and how to react to them by depending on God. Recalling what happened on Monday, it was amazed that I could concentrate on doing what I could. Tuesday’s first appointment was also smooth. And yesterday was a good day with chance to bike together with my best friends and had a nap in the afternoon.

In conclusion, we need conscious efforts to give thanks and rejoice. It is not automatic and easy, but it is doable. It does not have to be big. It can be 5 deep breaths while finding things to give thanks to God. Pause for a while, give thanks, and rejoice for the life that God has given to us.

Baby Fair

Yesterday my wife and I went to the Baby Market, claimed to be the biggest baby fair in South East Asia, at Expo Hall 5. We went there to collect our pre-order items: a UV sterilizer, a swaddle blanket, and a play mat. But of course we also did some shopping at the Expo itself such as Hana Baby Wrap that works as a carrier from a carefully designed cloth.

It reminds me that we are in the process of becoming a parent. Last Friday we got to know that our child would be a girl and it was just nice for having the chance to go baby fair with knowing what color to choose. We also started to buy some baby girl shoes at the fair.

Two things impress me: the life itself and the innovation of the baby products. Last Friday I get to hear for the first time the heartbeat of my child. As I have heard a baby’s heartbeat from youtube, it is really faster than adult’s heartbeat. Although I can’t differentiate my baby’s heartbeat from the one in youtube, it was still nice to listen live knowing that there is a life inside my wife’s womb. There were also many babies in the clinic and it just feels different. Yesterday at baby fair was another environment with many pregnant ladies and kids.

As for the baby products, human is really creative in problem solving. There were stroller that the way it was folded was interesting, a baby cot with 7 different heights and able to be removed without using screwdriver, a baby bathtub that can be opened in the bottom to let the water out, and the list goes on. It reminds me of the calls for innovation. To listen and to be observant on the needs and to respond to it accordingly.

With those two, though, I often detach them from the presence of God. I forget that there is a Creator behind all those. There is a God who is so great and yet so loving that He cares for us.

Importance of Prayer

This morning I read the devotion of Everyday with Jesus from CWR where I was reminded that prayer is not only important but all important.

As I become positive recently, I begin to realize again that positive feeling is not enough. There are so many things that are beyond our control. And even the things which are within our control, we have so many limitations.

I used to be struggling to get one or two things done in a day. Now I keep trying to get things done one after another, but it seems that it is still not enough. There are many things that I want to do but I could not do. In other word, I am limited. I have limited time, energy and resources. Therefore I need to prioritize. But how do we prioritize? This is a question I have asked since long time ago.

Apparently, the answer is simple, pray. Pray so that God’s will can happen to us and through us. Pray that we can be sensitive on what are the things that matter and what are the things that don’t really matter. Pray that we can let go something even when things are smooth and that we can hang on and keep going even when things are hopeless. Pray that we can believe God can do great things through us even when we are very limited just like Gideon’s appeal when God called him. Gideon said he’s from the smallest clan and he is the smallest in his clan. What can he do? The answer is everything that God called him to do. It may be a lot, it may be too little based on the world’s standard. But it does not really matter. Because God looks at the faithfulness.

My fellow Christian at workplace reminded me on two things today. One is to avoid both superiority complex and inferiority complex. So that I don’t feel as if I can change the whole team and my contributions are more than the rest and so that I don’t feel envious or hopeless when I could not perform as I want or as other people. The second thing is remember what do we do things for. For example, if I want to say thank you to others, there is no need to think whether it’s too much or too little, or what the person will think or the manager will think. Remember that it is for the person and so if the person is fine, then it’s ok. How do we know whether the person is okay or not? Again, be sensitive. And be flexible to react accordingly because everyone is unique.

In summary, find chance to pray to God, not the ritual ones for our own good feeling or to look spiritual before others, but really to admit our limitations and seek God that He may grant us love of Him and others.

Looking for Tiles

Today my wife and I looked for the tiles to use for renovation. We planned to go to Trade Hub 21 to look around at the showroom of Lian Seng Hin and Hafary. But the first one happened to be closed for one day for a company event which is today. So we went to Hafary and listed down what tiles we want to use for the bathroom wall, the dry area of the floor, and the wet area of the floor.

After having lunch and watching Midnight Runners, a Korean movie of two police students battling women’s eggs broker, we were considering to either go to Soon Bee Huat near IMM or White Horse Ceramics at Sungai Kadut. As our contractor said that the White Horse Ceramics is a 20K-squarefeet-showroom, we decided to go there. It turned out to be in Yew Tee while I thought it is somewhere very north.

The level 1 of White Horse Ceramics was similar to Hafary. But the second level of White Horse Ceramics are amazing. They build so many booths for showing mock-ups of different styles of bathrooms. So it was much easier to visualize how the tiles would look like when assembled into a bathroom. We therefore decided to choose White Horse Ceramics.

In both Hafary and White Horse Ceramics, the advice from my best friend is true, the ones having higher price is not necessarily nicer. There are many times where the cheaper one looks nicer to me and my wife. Perhaps this is to remind that there are certain things that are subjective to our preferences. So higher price is not necessarily better. Also, it was amazing to see different kinds of tiles with different color, patterns - there can be even many kinds of wood-texture tiles, and from different countries.

Interestingly, it is very hard to take pictures of the tiles as the color in the screen is different from what we saw. Previously I thought it is only a printer that has problems in reaching the desired color which is in the screen. Apparently it is equally hard for the camera to produce image that is close to the desired color which is what our eyes see. The good thing is that after we ordered, White Horse Ceramics gave us the sample to bring back. So we can show to our family on how the color really look likes together with the texture.

Thank God that somehow in one day we managed to settle on the choice of tiles.

Too Busy To Rest or To Help?

Yesterday and today I managed to get several things done again. It is something to celebrate as I keep progressing. At the same time, I can feel the challenge of being too busy. It is not easy to keep things in balanced manner. It seems that now I want to get things done many things that I either feel too busy to rest or to help others and at the end I become exhausted and guilty.

This morning I helped my wife for just 15 mins in her school. But yesterday I was somehow rejecting her request at first simply because I want to be on time to work. The question is that there were many times in the past where I came a bit later just because I struggled to get up immediately. So it is a bit ironic. Another is today about my business trip. Somehow I become feel so responsible that I was thinking it is a must to go on end of January/early Feb where things are actually busy for me and my wife as we prepare to move.

One thing to be thankful of is that I experience this struggle early. Earlier this year, I was positive for quite long before I felt this. By the time I felt, it was too much unnecessary commitment. As for now, at least the one that keeps me busy are those that are part of my job scope, not something extra just because of my excitement something. Here and there it popped up in my mind to do unnecessary things such as signing up into a course in office that is not directly related to my job, or to propose my team to go to team building this quarter.

So at least now I realize that even when I haven’t taken up new commitments and I am very positive, things are already tough and require a lot of practice to learn to prioritize things. Also, it is important to use pomodoro, not just to hang on in certain task, but also to limit the time on doing something.

Keep Disputing My Irrational Beliefs

As practice is important, I need to be thankful for the chance to practice disputing my irrational beliefs. Like now I start to scolding myself again. Of course it appears to be reasonable. For example, I failed again to be on time. I am 10 min late for my appointment. And because yesterday I already wrote about cooling down time, I expect myself to be better today but it is not enough for me. At the end I was forced not to rush as I walked to the bus stop with my friend - and so I could not run. But that means I underestimate the time.

In office, there are certain things get done today. At the same time I realized that I made mistake in communication that the deadline may not be met.

So the question is again how does being angry to myself help? Isn’t it more destructive. Like now I start to feel headache.

Just like pilates analogy, I need to accept that I cannot do certain things at this stage or in the near future. So it does not mean that knowing things such as not trying to get people approval can be automatically be applied. It takes time and the time quite long. So we need to be patient. And even if I fail to be patient, I can get back up again and acknowledge things were wrong instead of denying or trying to compensate on unnecessary things.

Let’s continue to practice listen but not necessarily reacting, observe but not necessarily judging. And identify what are the musts that I create such as I must be perfect, I must not upset people, I must improve big enough or fast enough.

Cooling Down Time

The need to cool down is something I often miss out in planning. Looking back at yesterday and today, I can see how I like to do things last minute. The positive side is that I appear to be more efficient and productive. It may also help me to reduce my perfectionism tendency and let go the non-important stuffs. At the same time, I need to acknowledge that it requires some time to cool down, a period during which it is not easy to do things.

For example, yesterday at 8.40 am I realized that my wife’s choir practice was canceled. I had not taken a shower, eaten and yet I wanted to go for 9 am service. I finished at 8.50 am, but my wife reminded me not to rush and still went for 11 am. I could see how nice it is as I needed time to cool down. Imagined if I went, I would still be wet from sweats. But I didn’t learn the lesson, I went only 15 mins before my appointment for hair cut in the late afternoon. So although it is improvement that I did not run like last month, I was still sweating. It was nice that the person was still busy that I had time to cool down.

Again, today I repeated to rush two things. One was before the lunch appointment. I managed to reach on time due to oBike.

But in the evening, I rushed, not running, to go back from the bus behind instead of using company shuttle bus just downstairs. End up when I reached mrt station, I took the wrong train direction.

So remember carefully. Yes there is benefit in speeding. But I need to accept that it comes with price. Just like car, if I speed up, then I need a longer stopping distance. Calculate whether I can afford the cooling down time. If not, slow down accordingly and reduce the number of things to be done.

Kingsman 2

This afternoon my wife and I watched the sequel of Kingsman: the golden circle. Aside from the violence scene, there is an argument that is interesting. The villain poison the drugs like cocaine, heroine, so that they will die if they do not receive the anti-dote. There the president and one of the secret agent have a view that it is fine to let go millions of lives of those people as they are the one choosing to do something that is not good - taking drugs. The reason is two-fold. One is as punishment so that there will be less people wanting to try drugs. The particular secret agent called Whiskey has another reason. His wife was killed by someone who was under influence of drugs. So he thinks that the world would become more peaceful if all those who are involved with drugs are gone.

That reminds me with a Japanese drama where the main protagonist hold view that although criminal is wrong, it is important to try their best not to kill them, regardless of the criminal level that they did. It is a reminder that life is precious. Hate the sin but not the sinners. This is especially as we are also sinner. Each of us is most probably addicted to something. It may not be drugs, it can be money, power, popularity, or relationship. And because of those addiction, we may harm other people. So remember that it is not our place to pose judgment. It is only for God Himself. And remember how great our God’s love that He sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for us, so that we can be freed from our addictions.

Adhering to Time Limit

Today I went back 30 mins later than usual timing even when today is Friday. My excuse is that I do not want to bring work laptop to home this weekend. But the question is that is it necessary? Or is it because I could not adhere to the time limit?

Yes, there are many things to do. But do I spend too much on certain tasks? Do I go too detail on it? Are they important tasks or something that can be let go?

Yes, I am upset about myself not being able to adhere the time limit. But remember there is no benefit of scolding myself. Also, remember the blessings and the positive points.

The positive points today are I managed to update my personal goal within a short time. I also managed to scrap several unwanted devices within 1 hour. Then before going to Pilates, I followed up on certain issue from yesterday as scheduled.

I was also back at cube at 2 pm from Pilates, the desired time. The updating of the order for my project was also done. It was also good that I could share to my friend that I also believe Jesus is the only way to God.

So do not give up in the up and down to learn to adhere the time. In the coming three weeks, my friend whom I usually leave office together is away. This is a good chance to practice to adhere on the time to go back home.

Talk and Do

Yesterday and today I talked a lot with my colleagues. At the same time, by the grace of God, I also manage to do some works.

Yesterday was packed from the morning when I had an unscheduled discussion in the morning. But because of that I could cancel a meeting in the afternoon. I also tried to follow up things one by one. And try to do something that is important. My best friend in office was surprised that when I said firmly I wanted to go back at a later timing instead of being indecisive whether I go back with him or not. I did manage to concentrate on finish something important. But because of that I missed the last bus and had to make my wife wait for a while.

Today I tried to do one by one. I learned to let go small things such as ordering food for my meeting this afternoon. I learned to play by ear such as it happened that I went for lunch where there is NTUC. And I also saw oBike at my office that I could reduce the time taken to go back at NTUC since one of the item I wanted to buy is ice cream.

In both days, I got reminded that it is very easy for us to get busy and forgot about God. Somehow important things at work may become more important than God or what He wants us to do. So in each day, I need to remember that achieving as much as possible is not the main thing. Even giving our best is not necessarily the main thing. The important one is to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit when He leads us to focus on Jesus.

Knowing What are Important

Thank God that by His grace, I become very positive in the last 1.5 week. But somehow yesterday and today I start to feel exhausted. One of the things I started to forget counting my blessings. Yes I begin not to count my mistakes. Now when I make mistakes, I can move on quickly. But apparently it is also dangerous when I start to count my achievements or how many things I managed to get done in a particular day.

First, isn’t giving my best the important thing? Remember that in the past few months, it is very difficult for me to get things done. Sometimes an e-mail or a single slide take one day. So overcoming my worries or fear is the important one. Now that I start to be able to manage my stress, I can enjoy it. What makes me feel exhausted is perhaps my standard unconsciously start to rise up again. It is like one thing get done without stress is not enough. I want to achieve as many as possible. This means I start to deviate on what is important.

Secondly, not all things are important. One of my seniors told me that he enjoyed reading my detailed notes. But he also mentioned that if I keep doing that for many aspects, I will have little time to work or do the follow up actions from the notes. So I need to practice in deciding which one need nice notes, which one is not. For example yesterday I was asked how to add shortcut to Microsoft Office’s document location. I could just search and forward the link instead of trying to explain in detail. Today my best friend in office also showed me how to use existing tool and let go my perfectionism tendency to correct every single thing even if an expert on that area says the impact is small.

Third, be honest and trust people. There was a call from Kiddy Palace Toa Payoh saying that there is a stock on the coconut balsam I was looking for. I already bought in Westgate but I didn’t directly tell them. Only when they asked when I am going to Toa Payoh, then I mentioned I no longer need the item. Similarly, a colleague asked on how to do things. In my team, there is one role who is supposed to do it. But because I am not sure whether he can do it, I went to ask a senior who did that role previously. I wondered why didn’t I just ask the current person regardless whether he can do it or not. Anyway if he can’t, he is the one responsible to ask the person doing it - regardless whether he actually does it or not. Like what my counselor previously said, let go of the desire for being able to control uncertainty.

So now what? Realize that things are actually doing very good. Count the blessings instead of focusing on the things not yet done. Admit my limitation that I can’t do all things. I need to choose what is important and focus on those things first.

Using Stories to Memorize

The second part of my course last week was on how to memorize better. The key takeaway is that our long-term memory is based on the right brain. However, right brain does not recognize things such as numbers. So we need to create ways so that we can use our right brain more in memorizing stuffs. First is to give meaning. For example, a series of numbers can be remembered by breaking down into some meaningful combinations such as number of days in a week, number of weeks in a month, number of seconds in a minute and so on. A series of alphabets can be memorized by breaking down into meaningful sentence.

Likewise, words can be remembered by building bisociation - an illogical connection which makes us easier to remember. For example, to remember the words book, trousers, house, door, pen, coffee, pay, the, coffee, television, we can say I put the book into trousers and the trousers are inside a house. When we open the door, it is locked, so we used pen to open it. The moment we opened the door, we smelled coffee, and we pay the coffee with television.

The other technique is to use number pegging system. So each number is coded into some imagery. Then we can use that to recall the connection with certain sentences. For example, if we connect one with sun, two with shoes, three with tree, four with door, five with fingers, six with stick, seven with heaven; we can create stories using that one. For example, we can say the second principle of seven habits as I look upon my shoes and walk backward so that we can begin with end in mind.

The challenge now is on how to practice on my own for the things I really need to remember and with my own ways of creating the stories.

Turn Your Eyes upon Jesus

Yesterday and today I attended a course titled Read Faster! Memorise Better! Think Clearer. For the first part which is read faster, we learn how to do speed reading. The essence of speed reading is how we train our eye movement. Apparently we can train our eye. At the same time, our eyes can be easily tricked. For example, yesterday we were shown several images where when we fixated on certain dots for a long time, we will still see the images even when they are no longer shown. A grey surrounding around black dot can also disappear when we fixate on the black dot. A negative film can also be changed to color one when we fixated on three dots of red green and blue.

All those remind me the importance of fixing our eyes to the correct object. Like my eyes, I am also easily tricked by my mind and fear. I often think myself as worthless. I hate myself. I could not do many things. I cannot stand doing things when I am anxious. I guess those mean that I focus on the wrong place. So I need to turn my eyes upon Jesus. Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will go strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace; said a song.

It reminds me also on one story and one personal experience. The story is on how Peter started to be drown when he focused on the water instead of Jesus. A personal experience was learning how to stay on the plank for more than 6 seconds during motorcycle lesson - the key was to focus looking far instead of looking down on the plank.

So, let’s focus our eyes upon Jesus so that we can enjoy Him and glorify Him forever.

Applying what I learned

In the past four days I began to be more confident. Perhaps that’s after recap of the last two weeks with many ups and downs that I began to see that it is perfectly fine to be imperfect. For example, days with struggles at some part of the time, some failures, and at the same time some successes in overcoming the fear and just asking other people or doing what is needed.

Last Friday I managed to focus on one thing out of the three. Similarly, yesterday I could only did two out of the 3 top things. Today I only managed to do one of the main priority while others are not met. But I just felt happy.

At the same time, it is also a reminder that streak is not necessary. Having two consecutive working days with positive overall feeling does not need to continue everyday. It is normal if we have some days with overall negative feelings. Of course it does not mean that we reduce the effort for counting blessings instead of counting mistakes. But even in that, we may fail to count blessings in some days.

Another reminder is that when I feel happy, it does not mean things are okay and then I start to take new commitments that are more interesting or for the sake of sustaining the happy feelings. For example, I thought today is pretty good. But if I look objectively, there are still many important things that are not yet touched. So yes, thank God that I can be happy. But it does not mean that things are going well. I need to continue to focus on working the important and non-urgent stuffs. So continue the effort to calm down when there are new optional things coming up.

It is not easy. But again, our part is to give the five loaves and two bread, our best, and let God do the rest. Also, remember that only God can fix us.

Recap of last week

It is more than a week since my last post. Many things have happened. Last Tuesday I heard stories from my wife’s first check up at NUH. Thank God that things are going well. On Wednesday, I read an article and a video from my wife that were really exposing my way of thinking, and they are useful to understand myself better. On Thursday I learned to manage my anxiety and still led a meeting despite my worries and doubts. On Friday I learned to leave early together with my wife and the appointment was fast that I can reach office on time. I also managed to make decision to go back early. My colleague reminded me that it is not possible to please everyone. Also, that work is not the most important, we need to focus on the comments from those we love. A comment is also not taken seriously before it is repeated by others or perhaps in my own reflection when it is repeated several times. He also reminded me to be aware of my breathing. In the church, I also learned from the conversation with Elder Chan whose article appeared on last Thursday’s Straits Times. He shared on how to be fearless with the mindset not to offend people but to be true to our principle and be curious when things are said to be impossible. Things are not 1 or 0 and so use the wisdom given by God to find alternatives such as the example of car ownership. He also commented on how I can respond better about the issue my intern faced.

On Saturday I failed to manage my anxiety as I underestimated the load that day. End up I hurt my beloved and left a scar. It shows that there is a consequence on what I did. And how anxiety can create problems.

This week it has been 4 days. There are many instances where I hate myself. And where I went back up again. I received many useful inputs and sometimes I became stressed wanting to capture all. At the same time there is a need to wrap up as it seems I kept starting something and not wrapping them up. End up the list of things in my mind become longer and longer. Nevertheless, again, there is no use of scolding myself. What I need is to accept myself, remember that only God who can fix me, and give my best.

On Trusting Myself

It is still very hard to trust myself. I already know that this is one of the root causes for my indecisiveness. I also watched a Korean medical drama where it said how can a patient trust the doctor if the doctor does not trust himself or herself. But it is still hard for me. Perhaps because I often hate myself when I am not satisfied with the reality of how I behave or perform. So how to trust someone whom we hate?

Instead of forcing myself to trust myself directly, I need to trust those whom I love. My wife said that I can do it and I am good enough despite my failures, so that is the one that I need to trust. It is also time to remember that God loves me and I can trust on Him. It is a lesson of humility to say that He is correct and I am wrong, such as my own perception of myself.

Like today, morning was very tough. In the afternoon it is also hard to see my messiness and how difficult it is to organize both my mind and my table. I was quite satisfied with me for keep asking people. But that is not the point. Because if I am satisfied because of my performance, it will just a matter of time before I am disappointed again. So learn to trust myself because God trust me. And my wife also trusts me. So the next time I hate myself, no need to focus on stop hating myself, focus on instead of the perception of those whom I trust.

Eating and Sightseeing in Medan

Another post on Medan trip. We continued eating at different places. On Friday evening we ate at Dimsum Ayong at Babura street. It was raining hard and the place was located at a dead end road. But there were still many people. What I learned was do not judge the taste of the food from its appearance. The first food was white kway teow. It did not look tasty at all. But once we tried, it was really nice. The other foods were nice too. On Saturday, we ate at Restoran Ana which is also at Orion street like Hawwi seafood. The place was simple but the food taste was great too. On the evening, we went to eat at Marco seafood at Cemara Asri complex. The crab was really tender. I also learned that there is something called ikan ayam-ayam or ikan kambing-kambing of which English name is Starry Tigerfish.

Aside from the eating, we managed to go to two malls, Sun Plaza and Centre Point. As for the cultural attraction, we went to Tjong A Fie mansion in the city centre and Graha Maria Annai Velangkanni which is located 40 minutes from the city. The latter is a church built for Tamil community but then open for all. It was my first time to see a church where we need to take off our shoes before entering the building. The architecture was also unique. At the same time, it makes me wonder about the boundary of contextualization and pluralism.

First Trip to Medan

Yesterday my wife and I reached Medan, our first time to be there. The focus of this trip is to relax and eat. We have been eating many kinds of food. Once we reached Medan yesterday, we ate at Simpang Tiga restaurant serving Padang food with their delicious rendang. I also tried terong belanda juice. We ate at Nelayan Shanghai Kitchen, a Halal Chinese food for dinner. Today, we ate at Hawwi seafood, trying the crab with Padang sauce. After a second trip to Sun Plaza mall, we dropped by at La Maison pattisserie to buy their macarons. They have so many flavors, some of which are weird - we didn’t try: such as rendang and mie goreng flavor. Since they did not serve any drink and no seating available, we went to Ismud park, a cafe nearby. We ate the cakes there together with pisang goreng coklat keju and Martabak Buddy’s mini consisting of four different slices with different flavors: ovomaltine, nutella, toblerone and cheese.

Aside the food, I learned three things: one is to accept my feeling. In the morning I was still moody and I learned to accept that often I will feel moody in the morning, something that is not realistic to be changed in a short period of time. Second is that somehow there will be a time to learn, no need to force. For example I learned from talking to my wife’s uncle and cousin about color mapping, customer preference, and digital printing. Third, there is a quote I saw in Ismud park: happiness is when we stop comparing ourselves with other people.

Resisting the temptation to run away

Today it’s not that bad, but I also had difficulty to concentrate doing one by one like yesterday. At the end several small items get done. But a lot of time was wasted in the inability to decide. And the temptation to run away from deciding is very big.

One thing to remember is that it will just be worse if I scold myself or if I hate myself because of this. Remember that it is already a habit to procrastinate. So it is understable if I have difficulties and fall again and again. The right response is to get back up again and again.

And expect that things are not smooth, I will fall again. That’s fine as the goal is to strengthen the skill to get back up.

Likewise, about the feeling. There is no need to run away from the uncomfortable feeling. Acknowledge it, embrace it, bear with it until it gets better again, rather than telling myself that I can’t stand that feeling or I can’t stand doing what’s needed when the feeling is there.

Find alternative. There is no need to control what is uncertain. Embrace uncertainty. Trust myself that God’s grace is sufficient for me to go through all these. Learn to be thankful. Let go the desire to be savior, embrace the imperfection. Remember life is worth more than success and smooth life and comfort.

Vaccine: I still need to do it whether it is now or later

There was a funny video where a boy screaming and asking for forgiveness from God when he was about to receive vaccine. Interestingly, in my wife’s last year class, no one cried. That is because she prepared them first and briefed them that the vaccine is for their own good. They also learned that if they postpone, they would still need to do it at a higher cost. So they bear the little pain and move on.

I often postpone because I cannot stand my anxiety, or I cannot stand seeing the quality of the work if I do within a short time. In other word, if I don’t do something, at the end I still need to do it and at a higher cost. Of course it is not possible to change over night. But this is something I need to accept and keep telling myself.

Also, it was interesting to see yesterday on how I struggled for not doing something significant. I slept a lot yesterday and watched drama. Perhaps because I had many things postponed, it was not guilt free. Another is my need for acceptance and approval is so high. So maybe this period also acts as a vaccine to build my ability to live independently without acceptance and approval from others based on my performance.

Slow Progress

Somehow I still had the wishful thinking of immediate results. It is true that there can be a tipping point. But I think it is not effective to wish about it everyday. 

Today I felt sleepy and then I pressurized myself in writing a simple minutes of meeting. I also did not dare to ask what I or my team needs. The more time the higher the pressure. 

I became anxious. I also started to avoid gathering such as the biweekly break because of the guilt of not yet sending the minutes from the morning. It is like two days ago where I struggled to write a one-slide summary. 

It is hard to break the cycle if I could not accept the slow progress. The more I rush the higher the pressure I give to myself. 

What I need is to be aware that it is not going to be easy to accept and to change myself. To accept itself is hard. Until now I often fall back to the situation where I cannot accept myself, where I hate myself for not being what I thought I should be. Once I accept, it is also not easy to change. So it is not realistic to expect myself to change over night. It takes time and the progress can be slow. 

And in this slow progress, it is very tempting to fall into the thought that I will never be able to do this. Falling into this causes the feeling to give up, causes the hope to diminish. So I need to encounter it by keep reminding myself that if I cannot do it today, it does not mean I cannot do it tomorrow. If I cannot do tomorrow does it mean I cannot do it next week and so on. Keep the hope alive. Trust that God is always with me and that He means good with all these struggles. That I do not deserve but by His love, I am a justified sinner. All my sins are forgiven and therefore I am empowered to learn to forgive myself just as He has forgiven me. 

Failure among failure may come, but let's remember to put our hope in God. That somehow I will be able to accept myself. That somehow I will be able to be changed. That somehow I will learn better from my mistakes. That somehow He will make me according to His good plan. That somehow He will make me care for others not because of my desire to get approval but from the overflow of His love. 

I do not know when, I just need to remind myself of Romans 8 where hope that is seen is not hope. I can't see how I can accept myself and how I can change. But yes, it will happen by the grace of God. 

Keep trying

Yesterday I felt down and projected that today would be a bad day again. It is by God’s grace to keep trying what we can do. This morning I tried to drink ginger tea as a friend suggested to overcome sleepiness. Not sure about in the future but at least it worked today.

I was afraid to ask my boss about the slide yesterday. But end up asked him and then made slight modifications. After that was tough. Then in the afternoon, I managed to stay awake and go through the meeting from 1 to 5 pm. After that it was a relief but again I fell into procrastination and easily feel frustrated.

I managed to wash my cup and went back home with a good feeling. Now I am feeling a bit down again as I feel I haven’t done much on my supposed to be better timing. One thing to be grateful is that by now I have prepared the clothes for pilates tomorrow, something that I committed after last Friday morning rush.

Again, I am not sure about tomorrow. It can be down again. It can be up for a while, or it can be forgetting about up and down and focus on what I can do.

One thing to remember is that there is no benefit of worrying. Do something about them. Be happy so that I can make others happy. Accept myself and be humble to learn the skills that I am now behind.

When I am angry to myself

Written on 23 August 2017

Today I am angry again to myself as I had difficulty to just make a one slide in office. I kept thinking that I could not do it. In other word I don't trust myself. And I am angry because I don't trust myself and because I could not make something according to what I want. 

I am also disappointed that I let myself angry again. I already know that it is not useful. I guess it's already an improvement to realize that it is not useful and I need to practice saying that. Especially when other things in this world happen like the attack in Barcelona or the typhoon in Hong Kong. It makes me feel stupid for being occupied of myself. 

I guess it is also reminder not to compare to other people as often it is mixed in my anger to myself by raising the standard

Well, two things to take note. First never give up. Second keep practicing to forgive myself and move on.

Recap of these past 3 days

I learnt a lot from the past 3 days. So it is time to summarize the learning points. First, be prepared for the ups and downs. Life is imperfect. Thursday evening was fine but Friday morning was struggling. The pilates helped a bit but afterwards it was not easy as well. I made the decision not to bring office laptop home - something that was realistic as I didn’t do any office work till now. On Friday night I decided to quickly wrap up the things from Friday like the bag I used for pilates and did some documentation. So in general Friday evening was better. Saturday morning was not ok again as I could not run as planned. Afternoon was somehow better with just focusing to do things such as changing bedsheet and then running. In the evening, I learnt my lesson on Friday morning - only preparing for pilates cloths in the morning; so I prepared for swimming on Sunday morning. This morning I was almost not swimming but at the end managed to go. In the late afternoon, again I underestimated and so I came to a haircut sweating making things more difficult. These show how many cycles of ups and downs that can happen.

Second, live with the consequences. I am lazy but I seldom admit it. I just keep saying I should have done this and that. I should be more diligent. Similarly, if there are other people who make decision, I can follow some habits easily. Because if things go wrong, I can blame the consequences on others. But the same work, if there are no people deciding or asking, then it is hard for me as I am afraid of the consequences. This makes me often jumping from being lazy to be wanting to become diligent. In reality, it is okay to be lazy in some aspects as long as we are prepared to face the consequences bravely.

Third, fight for the joy as a justified sinner. Often, I fight for my joylessness to be justified. But I forget the truth that I am saved by grace alone. I am already justified. And therefore I want to fight for the joy even though I cannot fight for the joy. My part is to give my best, whether or not the joy comes, it is by God’s grace. There will be seasons where there may still be no joy feeling even though we have given our best. So it brings several things. Modesty, knowing that it does not entirely depend on us. It prevents us being legalistic. So likewise now, I am not sure what will work to overcome my anxiety. But as a justified sinner, I want to give my best in this war so that I can put my joy in God. And remember to rest too, not rest in terms of most people, but rest in Jesus knowing that we are not in this war alone.

Understanding My Cycle

This evening I felt better. I can accept myself better and see my problems clearer. But then it is still not easy as I swing to the other tendency to want to do many things. So let’s understand the main problem and the cycle with comes with it.

The main problem is that I am used to life being easy. Not doing homework or studying in advance but get good results. Whenever I need help, there is always help. When I could not master something, I was used to quit. In short, I am lazy to fight for something. When it is a hard work, I tend to withdraw.

So how does the cycle makes things more complicated? It is because when I realize that I am lazy, I scould myself as I thought I am not lazy. I will be very disappointed and angry that I become anxious, become not confident and have negative bias. Lazy is not just in terms of performing but also in relationship as I thought I am diligent in many aspects. As I become very critical of myself, I lose the energy to fight. To begin with I am lazy to fight. So when the energy is depleted, I become like paralyzed.

But it does not stop there. Because somehow by God’s grace, there will be help or relieve or inspiration that I can get back up in terms of emotion. The problem is that how I use those time. Remember that the time is short, there will be times when I become anxious again. So I need to utilize the time well. But that is translated wrongly into wanting to jump from 0 to 100, from lazy to total diligent. I feel that I should compensate for the down time. At the end, I become confused on the many things that I want to do. So it brings adverse effect by bringing the anxiety cycle earlier as I trigger myself to be disappointed as realistically there is no way to jump from 0 to 100.

What does it mean? At least three things. First is how I reduce scolding myself during the down time, to accept that I am down and not make things worse by being angry to myself. Second is how I treat myself when I feel better. I need to remember that it is not realistic to change suddenly. So do what I can do and build the strength. Third is that whether I am up or down, I need to remember that it is normal to have tough work. So in both circumstances, although different degree perhaps, I need to build the muscle to fight, to go through the pain, rest, and continue again.

So What?

These two days I feel very useless. I feel that I am so stupid and cannot do anything. Well it is not something new. So I need to dispute again by asking so what?

Remember, what do I gain by scolding myself for being stupid? It may be true that I am stupid now. But then so what? I need to accept that it is the reality. Then next is to ask whether I want to change or not. 

If I am content with the current situation, then there is no need to change and be happy about it. 

If I am not happy that I am like that, do the actions that will improve. If by setting too ambitious goals hinder it, reduce the goals until it becomes the next one small thing.

Either way there is no use of me scolding. There is also no use of me stoning or being confused on what to do. 

And remember to insist that this is not going to be easy. It is hard. But it is harder if I choose to scold myself instead of making decision whether to change and what to change first. 

If it is easy, it has been done long time ago. The fact that it is still a problem now indicates it is tough. So if it feels tough, then it is the right direction. It is when I feel relieved by running a way that is not correct. 

Reducing perfectionism is also not possible by thinking about it. It is by many practice that it may reduce a little bit. 

So rest a while is fine, but afterwards, get back up. Do one small thing, keep starting, know where to stop and wrap up despite the imperfection. Keep persevering when thinking of giving up. Remember, giving up means lose. Giving my best may still lose but there is no regret. And most importantly, giving best means progress no matter how small it is.