Slow Progress

Somehow I still had the wishful thinking of immediate results. It is true that there can be a tipping point. But I think it is not effective to wish about it everyday. 

Today I felt sleepy and then I pressurized myself in writing a simple minutes of meeting. I also did not dare to ask what I or my team needs. The more time the higher the pressure. 

I became anxious. I also started to avoid gathering such as the biweekly break because of the guilt of not yet sending the minutes from the morning. It is like two days ago where I struggled to write a one-slide summary. 

It is hard to break the cycle if I could not accept the slow progress. The more I rush the higher the pressure I give to myself. 

What I need is to be aware that it is not going to be easy to accept and to change myself. To accept itself is hard. Until now I often fall back to the situation where I cannot accept myself, where I hate myself for not being what I thought I should be. Once I accept, it is also not easy to change. So it is not realistic to expect myself to change over night. It takes time and the progress can be slow. 

And in this slow progress, it is very tempting to fall into the thought that I will never be able to do this. Falling into this causes the feeling to give up, causes the hope to diminish. So I need to encounter it by keep reminding myself that if I cannot do it today, it does not mean I cannot do it tomorrow. If I cannot do tomorrow does it mean I cannot do it next week and so on. Keep the hope alive. Trust that God is always with me and that He means good with all these struggles. That I do not deserve but by His love, I am a justified sinner. All my sins are forgiven and therefore I am empowered to learn to forgive myself just as He has forgiven me. 

Failure among failure may come, but let's remember to put our hope in God. That somehow I will be able to accept myself. That somehow I will be able to be changed. That somehow I will learn better from my mistakes. That somehow He will make me according to His good plan. That somehow He will make me care for others not because of my desire to get approval but from the overflow of His love. 

I do not know when, I just need to remind myself of Romans 8 where hope that is seen is not hope. I can't see how I can accept myself and how I can change. But yes, it will happen by the grace of God.