Understanding My Cycle

This evening I felt better. I can accept myself better and see my problems clearer. But then it is still not easy as I swing to the other tendency to want to do many things. So let’s understand the main problem and the cycle with comes with it.

The main problem is that I am used to life being easy. Not doing homework or studying in advance but get good results. Whenever I need help, there is always help. When I could not master something, I was used to quit. In short, I am lazy to fight for something. When it is a hard work, I tend to withdraw.

So how does the cycle makes things more complicated? It is because when I realize that I am lazy, I scould myself as I thought I am not lazy. I will be very disappointed and angry that I become anxious, become not confident and have negative bias. Lazy is not just in terms of performing but also in relationship as I thought I am diligent in many aspects. As I become very critical of myself, I lose the energy to fight. To begin with I am lazy to fight. So when the energy is depleted, I become like paralyzed.

But it does not stop there. Because somehow by God’s grace, there will be help or relieve or inspiration that I can get back up in terms of emotion. The problem is that how I use those time. Remember that the time is short, there will be times when I become anxious again. So I need to utilize the time well. But that is translated wrongly into wanting to jump from 0 to 100, from lazy to total diligent. I feel that I should compensate for the down time. At the end, I become confused on the many things that I want to do. So it brings adverse effect by bringing the anxiety cycle earlier as I trigger myself to be disappointed as realistically there is no way to jump from 0 to 100.

What does it mean? At least three things. First is how I reduce scolding myself during the down time, to accept that I am down and not make things worse by being angry to myself. Second is how I treat myself when I feel better. I need to remember that it is not realistic to change suddenly. So do what I can do and build the strength. Third is that whether I am up or down, I need to remember that it is normal to have tough work. So in both circumstances, although different degree perhaps, I need to build the muscle to fight, to go through the pain, rest, and continue again.