Life is not easy. That is the truth I am grappling to hold. I have been living with the concept that things must come easy and I can handle it well. But that is not the reality.
Two days ago, morning was tough. It was just the second day of practice but I already want to escaped from my daily work, the thoughts of I cannot stand the frustration feeling was back. I had expectation that Thursday was smooth and so Friday would be smoother. At the end, it became like on-the-job training. The anxiety kicked in and I needed to implement what I know, not just practice. After struggling for some time, I started to believe that I can handle the frustration and started doing what I can. I just did whatever I can and sent it out. Afternoon was tough but I did one by one. When there was a bi-weekly break session, I firmly declined it and just continued to work and prepare for the meeting.
It was good to be able to practice motorcycle again. I also learned to accept my colleague’s kindness to drive me and my wife to the driving centre. It was a great ride. The practice was also fun, I tried different routes which I have not tried before and saw things from different angle.
It is not easy to maintain the discipline for the exercise. I did the stretching exercise and practice. But I did not run this weekend. I woke up late for both Saturday and Sunday as compared to the time if I want to run.
I also learned that things may not go as planned. Due to a staff’ mistake, we need to tour around just to fix a shoe. So I learn to accept and just move on. Then in the evening, I was grateful for the very nice Korean barbeque, really nice.
At the same time, life is not always smooth. This morning, I wanted to wake up with full of energy. It was far from reality. I struggled to wake up and the feeling was not nice. But perhaps that is the reality. We wake up because we need to wake up and not because the feeling is nice.
It was a good nap this afternoon. But afterwards, I learn to make decision again. I wanted to multitask as I change the bedsheet. But I cannot decide what to listen, so I became anxious. Fortunately, I can let go and decide to just not listening to anything and be conscious on what I am doing. Because that may be the one I need to practice. I often do things following habit or unconsciously. But now I need to be more conscious such as whether my body is tense or how is my breathing process, what are my thoughts, and to speak slower. I managed to focus on changing the bedsheet and get it done.
Suddenly, I realize the practice is getting harder. I checked my whatsapp and found out that things which I am scared of are coming within a week’s time. An experience that I don’t like is coming and I can’t stand the frustration. I just learn that I can stand the frustration I have been struggling with. But this is not something I expect. So it is harder to go through the frustration as I keep asking why this must happen. Until now it is hard for me to be relax and accept the reality that we cannot control others. Somehow those that are pressing our buttons will keep coming. I want to escape, but the question is until when? I am tired of running away too. But I still want to run away and avoid things that I don’t like.
I wanted to do some work during weekend but at the end I didn’t do anything. I also haven’t done the things that I want to do during this weekend like transferring to a friend.
I am not sure how I can handle the coming 0 days. Things seem to be very tough. I do not want to face it. But the way to be happy is to face it and not to run from it. I also need to learn to practice my breathing exercise even when I cannot think.
So it maybe good that this happens. I need to practice even harder. To be more conscious on how I am breathing, and to convince myself that I can pass through all these. I am not sure whether I can still do something after writing this. So, I just need to remember a quote saying rest if you must, but don’t quit.
So with that, although I cannot see yet and cannot think clearly yet, I just need to remind myself that I can go through this and it is ok that life is far from easy.
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