It’s hard to believe when we can’t see things are going as expected. Time passes by and there are some improvements, but it’s hard not to look at the shortcomings. Despite the practice, I still feel anxious. I wrote it out, listen to songs, and do the breathing exercise and the progressive muscle relaxation. But it is still very hard to think less of myself and think clearly.
It’s not that God is not helping. He is. There was a time when taking a shower, when suddenly my mind became clearer and able to sing. But afterwards, it was my part to maintain and I couldn’t hold on to the hope and looked to much on my inabilities.
I was not sure what to do first. And when I decided to do the simplest one, to fill up a compulsory survey which is supposed to take 15 mins, I spent 1.5 hour just because I do not know what I am feeling. So even a simple survey question makes me confused in how to answer.
Lunch was also not free from stress. My junior updated me that he had finished in his spare time to do the things I suggested last year and just need to be applied. But now I am directionless and how can I guide him or to make the project worthwhile. I feel like the things I started at the second half of the year last year started to fall off.. not because there is no progress, but because I cannot manage my own expectation and daily life.
Troubleshooting was also tough even when it’s guided. I used to think troubleshooting is tough because we are the one leading. This time I just need to assist as the work was done remotely. But again it is tough because it needs a patience and courage to try different angles as we do not know the true root cause. It took a great amount of patience to wait until the solution seem to make sense.
Again, the question is how patient do I want to be in waiting to see my progress. Also, do I trust the advice or trust what I see?
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