Why am I like this?

It sounds silly but today I keep asking myself, why I am like this. There is nothing major but I hate myself. I hate myself because I am not performing to my expectation. I am stressed of being stressed. I know that when I am anxious, I need to remember that there is nothing that is dangerous and therefore it is ok to be afraid and consider it as normal thing. But I rebel, I do not want to be stressed. And therefore I fell into the trap, the more I want to escape from the stress, the deeper I am. I can’t concentrate for even a task that is supposed to be simple. Things feel heavy. Things that are interesting becoming a burden.

I also ask why I am like this when I find out that I am still stressed despite the amount of support I have. My wife can accept me and is very supportive. There are so many friends showing concern and willing to help. But why I am not becoming happier? Why I still put those burden on myself?

This afternoon I feel like running away. But where do I go? Even if I go home earlier, the feeling of being stressed may not go away, I also don’t have any particular thing to do. So I decided to stay and hang on at the office. It is not bad but it is also not good. I didn’t do much as well. At least I made the decision to fix a problem.

It’s like I can’t find anything worthy on my performance. It seems that I don’t do anything worthy. I keep switching tasks and unable to concentrate. There is nothing I can be proud of, actually there are. But it’s just I want too much before I can be happy, and even that thought makes me stressed. Why I can be like that? I want to scould myself. Which in turn, I hate myself more for pushing myself too hard.

Also, instead of being thankful that my problem is not that big, I scould myself of being stressed over non-crucial things. How come other people with much more stressors can take it while I only have this little stress and yet being stressed so much. I become comparing myself to others again which end up that I don’t admit that this is a big problem for me as I keep saying objectively my problem is small.

So moving forward, I am still not sure. Even I started to doubt that would I ever be able to change? How come with this much of help, I haven’t changed?

I want to change very fast - things which may be happening. Something to accept. Something to remember that these self-destructing thoughts are not helpful. So at least there is no need to dwell on it. Even on my tendency to do that. Just keep moving forward and learn from others.

Remember that there is hope tomorrow even when I can’t see it yet. Because that’s a journey. We only take one step at a time even when we haven’t seen our destination yet.