Today is not a bad day, but it feels very tough. I woke up on time, managed to do exercise, and have proper breakfast! Also, I managed to start working at 8.30 am. I faced difficulty where my mouse was not working, but managed to be calm and try to swap the battery with the working keyboard to confirm that it was battery problem. I managed to read my e-mails that have been left since 18 Dec in just 15 minutes and done before lunch. I also managed to hold my tendency to be nice guy saying happy new year to everyone I know. This time, I just sit on my cube and if happen to meet, will say happy new year. Otherwise, i did not purposely look for people. This because I am not sure when I go around, is it that I really care about people and wish them from my heart, or is it just to look great and gain their favor is someday I need help from them. So I decided just to be an average or less, not extraordinary.
By the time after lunch, I realize that there are some tasks that are waiting to be done. And it involves making a simple test plan. Things that I need to decide what needs to be tested and what need not, also the quantity of the test, and some other details. I also need to catch up with some data analysis that I struggled before the shutdown. I need to check some details with others. That is difficult. Whenever I need to ask others, I tend to wonder when is the right time. Should I drop to their cube, should I message them first via office communicator, or call via phone or write an e-mail? How to express the things I need from them?
It was also good to meet my manager this afternoon. He gave some encouragements and some tips. For example, he made me think whether it is necessary to always write notes capturing all details just like what I did when talking to him. Did I look back on the notes? If not, how about listening and conversing more freely and focus exchanging opinions instead of worrying to capture all the information. He also reminded me that it is fine to be different and make decision, state the reason and move on. This is because we will never be able to find the perfect solution. Even a good decision now may not be considered good if the next day has different circumstances than when the decision was made.
His point is for me to be confident on ourselves and move on; focus on processing the information to key takeaways and let go the less important details as time is limited where it is not easy to try to retrace back all the details.
Back to my cube, I tried to do one by one, from submitting the claims and then trying to follow up the task to contact - after thinking too long on how to say what I want to say. Then, to think on the test plan for tomorrow. I also managed to go back relatively on time.
Isn’t it a considerably good day? But somehow I feel tired, I am also not confident for tomorrow or this week, whether I can do what I plan, whether I can make the changes on the way I think and make decision. What I can think now is to keep pressing, do one by one even when my mind is not clear. Just like this evening when I tried to do one by one according to what I can think of. It is slow, but it keeps moving.
I also wonder whether I can care of others. It seems that now the world revolve around me and my struggle. It seems that I care most of seeing myself able to do what I want to do in a rate that I dream of. It is hard to genuinely care about other people with this kind of mindset.
Perhaps this is because I am not loving myself. I pressurize myself too much that I want to ease of my burden by feeling successful. When my mind is not clear, I cannot accept. But in reality, there can be clouds and dark sky. During those situation, we find alternatives by finding shelter and finding light source. So, why stressed so much when my mind is not clear?
By right, this article is also aiming to reflect and how to change for the better. I am not sure whether I can do it as my reflection tends to highlight more on my struggle instead of thinking of the possible solutions or workaround. Again, the question is that am I thinking of what happened today and getting the insights? Or am I just trying to write down what happened without thinking why it happened, and how to influence the future according to the plan.
There are still 5 minutes left to write. I think I can stop on time. But not sure whether I can let go the worries of not doing well tomorrow or this week. Can I take it? Can I still love myself regardless of the results? If i am not doing well, would I encourage myself for the upcoming tasks, or would I hate myself for not doing well for the relatively simpler tasks in this beginning of the year?
How to change myself? As mentioned before, I already put some of the things that may be of a change. So the better reminder perhaps is whether I can change myself in terms of loving myself despite my limitations. To give the assurance that I can focus being what I can do instead of trying to become the person I dream of.
Also, can I wait as I am changing? Would I believe something that is not seen now? Let’s see what will happen tomorrow. I think it should be fine as usual, so hopefully I can come back and focus on doing what I can rather than focus on what I can’t do well.
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