Yey, I can write again after two consecutive days of not writing. That means got three days to reflect on. These past 3 days I failed quite badly. Or at least my ego hurts badly.
Unlike Monday which was considerably good, I started to have blank moments on Tuesday. I didn’t move. It was a simple task of data analysis, but it took me hours to decide what I want. All the perfections came up and it wasted a lot of time. I also could not make the decision on how the data was about to be presented. I was frustrated. God is gracious. Somehow my asset lead passed by that I finally had the courage to ask her for opinion. Finally things were sent.
But the other tasks got delayed. I also underestimated the time needed that another task was finally done on Wed at 10 instead of the original 2.30 pm on Tue.
It was a surprise that God knew what i needed. On Tuesday evening, Pdt. Budi & Pdt. Theo gave a small book, “The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness” by Timothy Keller. And its description was just right as the book is intended for someone who is worried about what others think. My wife also pointed a book called the Gift of Failure as there are more people having fear of failure.
On yesterday, my fear of failure got worse. I felt bad to colleague which I asked for help that I just stand around of him doing his job instead of doing my own job. After the lunch, I was asked to help something, but I couldn’t help. And then right after that there were two meetings. End up that i didn’t do what I planned to do. Also, in the morning I already started with fear about the follow up of the interest group that I initiated. I just felt that I don’t have the energy to facilitate. So when I tried to think about the agenda and got stucked, I became more nervous and angry to myself, angry for not being able to make decision, a similar situation that happened on Tuesday. So it rolled throughout the day as my ego hurts.
I went back and somehow I became more focused of myself. I hardly took the courage to finally send the half day leave notice before I left the office. I tried to buy in the battery and again battled with the indecisiveness of what brand and how many AA batteries to buy.
I felt like a failure. But by God’s grace, i still somehow did what was needed like contacting my aunt and checked online. Also, I started to read the short book by Timothy Keller. My best friend came to our place to bring some snacks from his hometown. Amazed by his dedication in work and ministry, he didn’t sleep enough on the previous day and yet he took the time to visit us after his work.
I felt disappointed with myself because my real struggle is actually very little compared to what others have like the challenges my wife has in school and my best friends’ work which require them to do overtime. But how come I am already very stressed. There have been people helping as well. Like my wife’s support, my friend’s tips on tuesday evening, the small book, my lead’s help. But instead of being happy and thankful, I become even more disappointed of myself.
As the night comes, I still have the pain feeling and the desire to escape from the challenges. As a result, I woke up at night and didn’t manage to sleep immediately. Also, i slept at the wrong position that my ear hurts. Somehow I welcomed the pain more positively, maybe because real pain helps to justify our struggle instead of the pain in our mind.
It was very heartening when my wife hugged me this morning and reminded me to be patient and to consider this as a path of my growth. She also helped me to count the blessings like for the first time in a long time, that we managed to not taking taxi for four consecutive days, also the first time i could exercise and have proper breakfast in the past four days. Instead of looking at my failure, she helped me to look at the progress.
It was also God’s grace that I can think of the song turn your eyes upon Jesus and find a good website with instrumental sound and the text. So I can keep singing turn your eyes upon Jesus, look in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.
Things didn’t become easy. It took me longer to make reminder for the prayer meeting, but at least it was done including contacting the relevant persons although I started work late at 9 am.
Afterwards, there was a struggle again to reply the e-mail and to start the work. At least I write down what is needed and asked help for 1 of the 4 main things. Out of the 3, at the end i only managed to do 1.5, and it’s the easier side. But it was already grace as I initially couldn’t be sure what to do. Suddenly 1 hour before lunch things started moving because I was also pushed by other.
After lunch, i often experience stoning again, wasted more than 40 minutes to respond. At the end, i started to do the 0.5 job. Also, at the end i let go the other 1.5 and started the work conversation with others. Well, things haven’t progressed much, things are still piling, but i started to let go.
Looking at the pattern, tomorrow most probably i will struggle again. But hopefully I could turn my eyes upon Jesus and rise again (or rise up again? I am tempted to google it but i let it go) everytime I fall.
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