Third day of writing. It feels slightly more difficult to get writing. Time to sleep is coming and I only start writing now. The fear of not being able to write since tomorrow is the first work week of the year starts to creep in. Would I still be able to write? If on a Sunday where time is more flexible, it feels this challenging. How would we be able to write on a work week where we most probably feel tired after work with the addition of the targets or deadlines to be done on the following day.
This shows how limited time it is.
It has been two weeks after my holiday starts. 1 week in Vietnam, and 1 week in Singapore. Time flies. As usual, I thought in the last 1 week, I would have accomplished more since it’s in Singapore and not working. Well, there were a lot was done this week, but not the way I expected such as some papers done, some books completed, all the plans for this year done with nice category and budgeting, all the financial budgets get filled in nicely. As my wife often reminds me, when I set targets, they are usually very huge, the ideals, the perfect situation, things with no chaos, things with all properly ordered. It is not a wrong target but it requires milestones, stepping stones. And those are the things I am lacking.
Thanks to my wife, at least I place few stepping stones this past week. A routine to write, a routine to do some stretching, and a routine to learn the very basic of programming. Plus a bonus, a desire to have proper breakfast, things that I usually underestimate.
Things are still scary though. This morning I can feel an uncomfortable mood although things are going well. It’s the feeling that scary things are coming as the holiday ends. This feeling is actually quite normal as I wrote yesterday, certain things can be considered normal. It may be just that I have not fully accepted that I may be always having this kind of feeling every now and then.
It is also a good exercise of my faith. Today there’s a Holy Communion. I have learned before that this inability to feel joy is expected as our relationship with God has been broken. It is through Jesus’ big sacrifice that we have the option again to feel the greatest joy as we are most satisfied in God.
So this feeling is a good test of my faith, have I really accepted Jesus as the most precious in my life? Or is it that I am still not satisfied by Him that I can’t feel the joy. Is it that I treasure success and smoothness above Him? Do I dream all things according to my plan and not pondering how loving and how great my God is? When I fail again and again, do I believe that He is there beside me encouraging to try again? I often feel that I am not Christian enough, because I cannot see the ideal Christian in my life. Somehow I like to judge myself even though I know it is not my portion to judge myself as God is the only One who can judge us. The question is more whether I care more of what God think or do I care more of what people including me think about myself. As time is limited, do I allocate time to ask Him what He thinks?
As I am writing this, I am not sure how I can finish the things I need to finish. There are still e-mail to read, some transfers to be done. I haven’t planned what are the things to bring tomorrow, also what are the things to do first tomorrow or in the first week of the work. I also haven’t allocated the time to read books or learn the programming today. Which one will I do first?
Or would I stuck like this afternoon when I was stuck for 30 minutes just because I need to select what menu for the dinner for the prayer meeting this Friday. For example, I do not want to select chicken because of the bone and it will be difficult for people to eat. But if I choose beef, there is possibility that the meat may not be soft and it will be difficult for people to bite. Also, I have been ordering beef twice before, so is it the time to order for a chicken? Also, for the vegetables, should I order things I haven’t ordered before? But would the majority like things like acar? Or should I be more conservative by selecting oseng buncis or cap cay which I think more people would like. At the same time, there is actually no data supporting whether one is easier to eat and whether some vegetables have more people to like. All those are just my opinions which I also doubt the accuracy. So it got hard to choose. Again, the question was why it’s so difficult to choose? What happened if I chose wrong? It is because I cannot accept mistakes and failure that there seems to be no satisfying option. All have risks. And I cannot bear any risk. Finally, after 30 minutes, I take the courage to select, and just propose. It turns out that others are fine, with just one option to be modified.
My worry is that, would I face the same kinds of struggle in the work tomorrow or this week? How long will I spend until I have the courage to make decision? If I spend too long, would I be able to forgive myself and then move on? Or would I make mistakes after making mistakes by dwelling on them?
I got 1 minute left to write. Right after this, hopefully I have the courage to select what is the remaining tasks to be done. Also, to sacrifice things which are less priority and to say stop, it’s time to sleep.
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