A second day of writing. I am not sure how long this can last. But no one will know if we don’t try. There is always an uncertainty of whether we can finish something we start. One thing for sure is that if we keep being in fear, we will not continue and there will be no progress. Thanks to my wife for being very supportive and for the reminder to write this evening.
Time is not enough. More than third quarter of the day has passed and if not reminded, it seems that there is no time to write. It is good that at least I decide to stick to the allocated plan to write.
There are many things to learn and to give thanks today. Going to the specialist today, it is great to hear that my wife is fine as the results point to a mild gastritis, and not something more. The doctor was good and I learn from the way he analyzed and gave conclusion. First of all, I need to remind myself not to compare myself with him. This is due to my tendency of being envious of others instead of appreciating and acknowledging someone’s greatness. His analysis was systematic, starting from the possible root causes and the extend of the coverage of the tests to those root causes together with the possible root causes that have not been tested. He also points out which one that is subjective depending on the doctor, and which one is more confirmed such as whether there is any bacteria. The methods of test was also briefly explained and the criteria such as what kind of texture is not healthy and which one is considered normal. Following that, he explained on the path forward, things that we can try, things that are without medical evidence where someone’s common sense can be applied. Also, the criteria of when further tests are needed were explained.
Another great things were to eat chicken rice at Wee Nam Kee and sharing a cup of Udder with my wife. We learnt to keep ourselves within the budget that we have set. 2016 is a new year which reminds us of our future plans, one that needs budgeting to be part and to be the foundation of it. As my mind becomes more tangled, I tried to wonder what makes a Chicken Rice is popular, just as what may cause someone to be successful. This is as I jump into conclusion that the stall is successful judging from the crowd. Again, I need to keep asking myself, what I want to know out of that. Is it just simple wishy thoughts where we can use a moment of sudden breakthrough to get the success? Do I believe that little routines that may go unnoticed to be one of the key of the success? Or that the process itself can be an indication of the success instead of a one-shot picture of a condition of success while knowing that the success will not last forever?
I was also reminded today that I hate asking for help. I don’t like asking help from others. Because I feel bad, and I feel obliged to return their kindness. I also assume that I have to be the one returning their kindness and not letting others to be the one paying their kindness just like one keep passing the light to others where I can be of help not to them but others.
I almost buy a dater today. But I didn’t. I want to check first whether it is an impulse of buying things that I thought I need, like buying ipad Pro or a writing pad. Or is it something that is really useful. I need to ask the reason I need a stamp to indicate the date. Is it really useful? Or will it add the burden of the one doing it for the sake of my perfectionist tendency? How will these help to achieve the objective? Is it part of the main tasks? If not, would spending time to write checklist or make troubleshooting guide be more useful in saving the time?
Even when things are good today, sometimes I still feel the numbness, the inability to feel joy. But maybe it’s normal? Because there will be some other time where I can feel again and be able to enjoy the moments. I learnt from a visit to my best friend’s place about getting used to something that may not be nice. As we talked, I heard his first child crying. I wondered what happened. My best friend responded that it is something normal. There are times where the child cries for something we could not understand, but there will be times where the child goes back to the happy mood and being a very good child. In short, it is something normal.
To me, anything that is not according to my plan disturbs very much. Any particular story of struggle from others can break my day as I become sad. Not necessarily because I care, but because I am afraid of having challenges and things that are not pleasant. Learning from my friend, unexpected things are not unusual. Unexpected things happened and somehow I am still here by the grace of the Creator. Like one said, remember the time where we can live without that, and so when things are not going according our way, isn’t that something normal? What does normal mean? I think normal means it is something that is not to fear of and there is no need of a great deal of efforts to react to it.
Anyway, things are often beyond our imagination. I am supposed to be good at statistics, to find that I know very little about it. In fact, I cannot apply any good principle when faced with problems be it in daily life or in work. At the same time, things can come anytime including improvement. Like this evening when cutting the nails, I listen to a lecture model thinking course where somehow it explains very well on the concept of R-square, something that I have heard many years but didn’t really grasp it. Just because of several minutes of lecture, the Creator uses it to weave all the info that I heard but not understand before. Not sure whether I can use it though. But the lesson is not to dwell so much on my weakness and keep moving.
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