It is not easy to write but I can do it. That is the thing that I want to remember. We may not know what to write at the beginning but as we write, somehow there will be things to express even when we cannot see it now.
Today was challenging again, the meeting content at 8 am was very interesting, but after the meeting I became stressed again. I was not sure what to do first. I managed to pull up but there was a question from other colleague which reminded me on how bad my work was and how unknowledgeable I am. So end up trying to follow up that one and wanting to give up. Thankfully, my colleague came and helped to make decision. Afterwards, I went to an expo, where again, I became stressed as I am not sure what to ask when going around. Also, I felt inferiority as I do not have the power to purchase. Seeing different technology also makes me stressed on how come I couldn’t be that good.
The advice given during the counselling session was good. The points are similar to what my wife and my best friend have said, to be patient on myself. But it was put in a way that was shocking, and maybe because it is coming from someone whom I don’t know. The question was that if I feel anxious 20x today, that means it would be 7,200x a year. So having been anxious for several years, is it reasonable to overcome it quickly? Of course, I need to admit it is not realistic. It has become habit. And habit is not something that we can break easily. Just like theoretically it is unlikely for a smoker to suddenly quit as it has become a habit. In other word, I have the habit of being anxious, even I may have practiced it more in the past two weeks that it would not be easy to break.
So the question is that would I commit to practice exercises which help to overcome my anxiety? My initial response would be that if I am to commit, there are something to let go and it is very difficult for me to let things go. The question would be, which one is more important? Do I really want to break the habit of being anxious and live a life to the fullest that God has given?
I am now taking the commitment to practice. Because only with practice, as if preparing like to go to Mount Everest, then I can overcome a habit of being anxious. The belief to revise was that things are going to be easy. So no, it is going to be tough and it is ok that it is tough. Only things that are easy is fast to learn. Difficult staff takes time and practice, so am I willing to make the commitment? Note that a commitment to practice is not equal to commitment to success. It is the commitment to practice regardless of the outcome. Because our practice will also be not perfect, there may be times that we miss the practice. But it is fine and look at the average or the overall trend.
So what is the thing to practice?
First is breathing exercise. Go back and learn about breathing exercise. It is important to practice when I am not anxious. But at the same time, it is not enough to practice just once a day, especially given that I will feel anxious more than 10x a day. I can try it when feeling anxious and see how it goes. Remember that changing habit is not easy and therefore it is ok if it does not immediately work.
Secondly is to observe when I started to worrying. One of the main challenges is to identify when my mind starts to slip to worrying. Observe how my body works, on how the posture changes or how things are becoming more tense. Also, remember that I tend to have secondary anxious, that is being anxious of having the primary anxiety. So I need to challenge by giving positive statements such as I have gone through several other frustrations and I have gone through those period. Also, apply the ABC. Check what is the activating events and how c, the consequences that we feel. For the B, which is belief, remember that there is difference between belief and thoughts. For example, the thought could be something like “if I cannot do it now, I would never be able to do it”. But that is not the belief. The belief maybe something like “I cannot stand the frustration”. So when challenging the belief for the secondary anxiety, I need to give encouragement that I can stand the frustration and it is ok. It would not harm me, remind myself that I am still physically healthy and counts the blessings. That there is no need to run away as I can handle the feeling.
Similarly, remember that it is still going to be tough to make decision. But it is a good opportunity to practice the ABC or practice the breathing exercise consciously. Just like today when making efforts for speaking slower and lean back, I look more relaxed even though I don’t notice it.
Ok, let’s stop it here. Coz the important thing is not so much to stick at 30 mins of writing, but the commitment to practice, learn, and try again until the habit is changed.
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