what am I thinking now? What are my worries? How much time is left? Which one is more important? If I do this, would it help? How to start? Should I do it now or later? Which one do I seek help? Which one do I do myself?
Those are some questions which might be necessary.
There are also some questions which are not useful and can be self-defeating. Why I can't concentrate now? Why can't I be faster? Why am I still stressed?
Sometimes I am afraid to ask or to seek help.
An advice given is to not focusing on the thoughts, but to do a the activities directly.
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Those are my thoughts on 13 Jan but didn’t publish it.
It is quite hard to write again. Especially when the stress comes. The blanks are more dominant than the idea. Things were not clear.
But that’s the reality of life, that life can have different seasons. Or in a day, there is a light, a bright one and not so bright, and there is dark, dark with some light, dark with no light at all. We can’t change that, so we need to cope with that.
Just like the advice, when we are in the dark, remember how it is when there is light, that we can still move on. For example, without light in my room, I can still do certain things to navigate way by touching certain things. Of course I can’t find things easily, what I can do is reduced. But I can still do something. Even better if I can locate the torch light.
This second work week has given many lessons. It is when my stress level became higher, but at the same time, the support from my wife is amazing. Despite her tiredness of school, she continually gives encouragement. Also, with her help, I finally have the courage to seek help and be assessed objectively.
Things were moving slowly, it is piling up. But at least finally I had the courage to send something on Thursday morning and Friday morning. It was far from perfect, but I finally sent them! There are still several things overdue, but hopefully that gave the encouragement to move on and keep trying.
This week I also learn to be able to accept the fact that when I don’t do the job, others will do the job. And when they did, I have the choice to be thankful and build upon them, or be discouraged and ashamed and became stressed.
I almost gave up too for the interest group meeting on the startup kind of idea. I was even not sure whether to meet up online via google hangout or in person. Thank God that I could decide on Tuesday night that we were going to meet online. And there were 6 of us meeting the day afterwards, and were quite surprised. Although my agenda is not clear and I am not able to facilitate, it turns out that the discussions were quite good.
This week I started having difficulties to let go. I brought my laptop back home on Wednesday and Thursday. I wanted to work at home, but at the end didn’t manage to do it. I know that the time at home is very limited if I am to sleep early, but I still brought the laptop back. I wanted to work overnight. But thanks to a friend who also reminded to ask how productive it is. I still remembered that on my last day of business trip, I woke up at 2 am, then sleep again until 4 am, take a bath, but at the end only managed to start working at 6 am for 1 hour before breakfast & going to office. So it’s not productive.
As in seasons, there are winter and summer. So I need to acknowledge that on certain time, I can do more, and certain time I will do less. Just like few days ago, somehow can think of a solution to dampen the noise when opening our wardrobe (my wife added on the solution to become even better). But there are also times when I cannot think of solution.
There are times when I started to feel stressed, only to find out later on to become quite calm, but after some time, started to be stressed again. There are times that I can think clearly, and there are times that I cannot think. During these, habits may become more important. Things that we will do regardless of our feelings.
One thing to continue working on is to think of myself less. As the book of freedom of self-forgetfulness said, we are not to think more of ourselves or think less of ourselves, but we need to think of ourselves less.
I am quite amazed on how self-occupied I am. This week there was a bomb and shooting in Jakarta. But that day, instead of following the news, I just cared about my work and how there were still many things to do. It is hard to care about what is happening or to check how my relatives or friends are doing in Jakarta.
As the interest group was saying last Wednesday, there is a camp of entrepreneurs to be where because of the framework in defining the problems faced instead of starting with idea, the people become better in listening and shifting their attention from themselves to others.
My tendency was also shown today when I run with my best friends. When they shared about their struggles and stressors, I have the tendency to look inwards again and asking how come I cannot manage my stress even though my stressors are much lesser than them? I need to shift my attention from myself to what God calls me and observe the surroundings. Isn’t better to listen to them instead of comparing ourselves to them? Also, everyone is different. I also used to score better grades although I was busy in co-curricular activities. One can say how come they score worse than me although they have less activities - not knowing that they may have more understanding and be more skillful in the workplace after graduation. Similarly, there is no use for me to compare myself with others. We listen to people and encourage each other in faith to God in our journey. To help everyone of us to focus our attention to God and how He guides us in everyday’s life.
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