Today I am very angry again on myself. How can I be so indecisive? How can I be so blur? How can I not be able to write several sentences? How can I be afraid again?
I then get to know about cold turkey, a condition where we are addicted to something and we choose to stop from it. It is very hard. Maybe that is what I experience now. All my life I have got smoothness and an unreal sense of pride and comfort. So when I am now learning not to get those items which I am already addicted to, it’s very hard.
So do not give up, forgive myself, remember that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope. It may be weird to call what I have as suffering since nothing is really taken away from me except from my false pride and comfort. But since I struggled a lot, it can be considered as suffering. And so what? All people experience suffering. And in fact it helps me to see what matters the most. It opened up the ugly reality that performance and comfort are the most important to me. It is by God’s grace that now I learn to not worship them as it is bound to fail.
In short, do not lose heart. If you fail again today, try again tomorrow. If tomorrow fail again, try again the next day. It is a long battle. It does not mean that I cannot run. When I can run, then run, but when I need to crawl, then crawl, no need to cry about it. Face it and embrace it as part of life.
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