Resisting the temptation to run away

Today it’s not that bad, but I also had difficulty to concentrate doing one by one like yesterday. At the end several small items get done. But a lot of time was wasted in the inability to decide. And the temptation to run away from deciding is very big.

One thing to remember is that it will just be worse if I scold myself or if I hate myself because of this. Remember that it is already a habit to procrastinate. So it is understable if I have difficulties and fall again and again. The right response is to get back up again and again.

And expect that things are not smooth, I will fall again. That’s fine as the goal is to strengthen the skill to get back up.

Likewise, about the feeling. There is no need to run away from the uncomfortable feeling. Acknowledge it, embrace it, bear with it until it gets better again, rather than telling myself that I can’t stand that feeling or I can’t stand doing what’s needed when the feeling is there.

Find alternative. There is no need to control what is uncertain. Embrace uncertainty. Trust myself that God’s grace is sufficient for me to go through all these. Learn to be thankful. Let go the desire to be savior, embrace the imperfection. Remember life is worth more than success and smooth life and comfort.

Vaccine: I still need to do it whether it is now or later

There was a funny video where a boy screaming and asking for forgiveness from God when he was about to receive vaccine. Interestingly, in my wife’s last year class, no one cried. That is because she prepared them first and briefed them that the vaccine is for their own good. They also learned that if they postpone, they would still need to do it at a higher cost. So they bear the little pain and move on.

I often postpone because I cannot stand my anxiety, or I cannot stand seeing the quality of the work if I do within a short time. In other word, if I don’t do something, at the end I still need to do it and at a higher cost. Of course it is not possible to change over night. But this is something I need to accept and keep telling myself.

Also, it was interesting to see yesterday on how I struggled for not doing something significant. I slept a lot yesterday and watched drama. Perhaps because I had many things postponed, it was not guilt free. Another is my need for acceptance and approval is so high. So maybe this period also acts as a vaccine to build my ability to live independently without acceptance and approval from others based on my performance.

Slow Progress

Somehow I still had the wishful thinking of immediate results. It is true that there can be a tipping point. But I think it is not effective to wish about it everyday. 

Today I felt sleepy and then I pressurized myself in writing a simple minutes of meeting. I also did not dare to ask what I or my team needs. The more time the higher the pressure. 

I became anxious. I also started to avoid gathering such as the biweekly break because of the guilt of not yet sending the minutes from the morning. It is like two days ago where I struggled to write a one-slide summary. 

It is hard to break the cycle if I could not accept the slow progress. The more I rush the higher the pressure I give to myself. 

What I need is to be aware that it is not going to be easy to accept and to change myself. To accept itself is hard. Until now I often fall back to the situation where I cannot accept myself, where I hate myself for not being what I thought I should be. Once I accept, it is also not easy to change. So it is not realistic to expect myself to change over night. It takes time and the progress can be slow. 

And in this slow progress, it is very tempting to fall into the thought that I will never be able to do this. Falling into this causes the feeling to give up, causes the hope to diminish. So I need to encounter it by keep reminding myself that if I cannot do it today, it does not mean I cannot do it tomorrow. If I cannot do tomorrow does it mean I cannot do it next week and so on. Keep the hope alive. Trust that God is always with me and that He means good with all these struggles. That I do not deserve but by His love, I am a justified sinner. All my sins are forgiven and therefore I am empowered to learn to forgive myself just as He has forgiven me. 

Failure among failure may come, but let's remember to put our hope in God. That somehow I will be able to accept myself. That somehow I will be able to be changed. That somehow I will learn better from my mistakes. That somehow He will make me according to His good plan. That somehow He will make me care for others not because of my desire to get approval but from the overflow of His love. 

I do not know when, I just need to remind myself of Romans 8 where hope that is seen is not hope. I can't see how I can accept myself and how I can change. But yes, it will happen by the grace of God. 

Keep trying

Yesterday I felt down and projected that today would be a bad day again. It is by God’s grace to keep trying what we can do. This morning I tried to drink ginger tea as a friend suggested to overcome sleepiness. Not sure about in the future but at least it worked today.

I was afraid to ask my boss about the slide yesterday. But end up asked him and then made slight modifications. After that was tough. Then in the afternoon, I managed to stay awake and go through the meeting from 1 to 5 pm. After that it was a relief but again I fell into procrastination and easily feel frustrated.

I managed to wash my cup and went back home with a good feeling. Now I am feeling a bit down again as I feel I haven’t done much on my supposed to be better timing. One thing to be grateful is that by now I have prepared the clothes for pilates tomorrow, something that I committed after last Friday morning rush.

Again, I am not sure about tomorrow. It can be down again. It can be up for a while, or it can be forgetting about up and down and focus on what I can do.

One thing to remember is that there is no benefit of worrying. Do something about them. Be happy so that I can make others happy. Accept myself and be humble to learn the skills that I am now behind.

When I am angry to myself

Written on 23 August 2017

Today I am angry again to myself as I had difficulty to just make a one slide in office. I kept thinking that I could not do it. In other word I don't trust myself. And I am angry because I don't trust myself and because I could not make something according to what I want. 

I am also disappointed that I let myself angry again. I already know that it is not useful. I guess it's already an improvement to realize that it is not useful and I need to practice saying that. Especially when other things in this world happen like the attack in Barcelona or the typhoon in Hong Kong. It makes me feel stupid for being occupied of myself. 

I guess it is also reminder not to compare to other people as often it is mixed in my anger to myself by raising the standard

Well, two things to take note. First never give up. Second keep practicing to forgive myself and move on.

Recap of these past 3 days

I learnt a lot from the past 3 days. So it is time to summarize the learning points. First, be prepared for the ups and downs. Life is imperfect. Thursday evening was fine but Friday morning was struggling. The pilates helped a bit but afterwards it was not easy as well. I made the decision not to bring office laptop home - something that was realistic as I didn’t do any office work till now. On Friday night I decided to quickly wrap up the things from Friday like the bag I used for pilates and did some documentation. So in general Friday evening was better. Saturday morning was not ok again as I could not run as planned. Afternoon was somehow better with just focusing to do things such as changing bedsheet and then running. In the evening, I learnt my lesson on Friday morning - only preparing for pilates cloths in the morning; so I prepared for swimming on Sunday morning. This morning I was almost not swimming but at the end managed to go. In the late afternoon, again I underestimated and so I came to a haircut sweating making things more difficult. These show how many cycles of ups and downs that can happen.

Second, live with the consequences. I am lazy but I seldom admit it. I just keep saying I should have done this and that. I should be more diligent. Similarly, if there are other people who make decision, I can follow some habits easily. Because if things go wrong, I can blame the consequences on others. But the same work, if there are no people deciding or asking, then it is hard for me as I am afraid of the consequences. This makes me often jumping from being lazy to be wanting to become diligent. In reality, it is okay to be lazy in some aspects as long as we are prepared to face the consequences bravely.

Third, fight for the joy as a justified sinner. Often, I fight for my joylessness to be justified. But I forget the truth that I am saved by grace alone. I am already justified. And therefore I want to fight for the joy even though I cannot fight for the joy. My part is to give my best, whether or not the joy comes, it is by God’s grace. There will be seasons where there may still be no joy feeling even though we have given our best. So it brings several things. Modesty, knowing that it does not entirely depend on us. It prevents us being legalistic. So likewise now, I am not sure what will work to overcome my anxiety. But as a justified sinner, I want to give my best in this war so that I can put my joy in God. And remember to rest too, not rest in terms of most people, but rest in Jesus knowing that we are not in this war alone.

Understanding My Cycle

This evening I felt better. I can accept myself better and see my problems clearer. But then it is still not easy as I swing to the other tendency to want to do many things. So let’s understand the main problem and the cycle with comes with it.

The main problem is that I am used to life being easy. Not doing homework or studying in advance but get good results. Whenever I need help, there is always help. When I could not master something, I was used to quit. In short, I am lazy to fight for something. When it is a hard work, I tend to withdraw.

So how does the cycle makes things more complicated? It is because when I realize that I am lazy, I scould myself as I thought I am not lazy. I will be very disappointed and angry that I become anxious, become not confident and have negative bias. Lazy is not just in terms of performing but also in relationship as I thought I am diligent in many aspects. As I become very critical of myself, I lose the energy to fight. To begin with I am lazy to fight. So when the energy is depleted, I become like paralyzed.

But it does not stop there. Because somehow by God’s grace, there will be help or relieve or inspiration that I can get back up in terms of emotion. The problem is that how I use those time. Remember that the time is short, there will be times when I become anxious again. So I need to utilize the time well. But that is translated wrongly into wanting to jump from 0 to 100, from lazy to total diligent. I feel that I should compensate for the down time. At the end, I become confused on the many things that I want to do. So it brings adverse effect by bringing the anxiety cycle earlier as I trigger myself to be disappointed as realistically there is no way to jump from 0 to 100.

What does it mean? At least three things. First is how I reduce scolding myself during the down time, to accept that I am down and not make things worse by being angry to myself. Second is how I treat myself when I feel better. I need to remember that it is not realistic to change suddenly. So do what I can do and build the strength. Third is that whether I am up or down, I need to remember that it is normal to have tough work. So in both circumstances, although different degree perhaps, I need to build the muscle to fight, to go through the pain, rest, and continue again.

So What?

These two days I feel very useless. I feel that I am so stupid and cannot do anything. Well it is not something new. So I need to dispute again by asking so what?

Remember, what do I gain by scolding myself for being stupid? It may be true that I am stupid now. But then so what? I need to accept that it is the reality. Then next is to ask whether I want to change or not. 

If I am content with the current situation, then there is no need to change and be happy about it. 

If I am not happy that I am like that, do the actions that will improve. If by setting too ambitious goals hinder it, reduce the goals until it becomes the next one small thing.

Either way there is no use of me scolding. There is also no use of me stoning or being confused on what to do. 

And remember to insist that this is not going to be easy. It is hard. But it is harder if I choose to scold myself instead of making decision whether to change and what to change first. 

If it is easy, it has been done long time ago. The fact that it is still a problem now indicates it is tough. So if it feels tough, then it is the right direction. It is when I feel relieved by running a way that is not correct. 

Reducing perfectionism is also not possible by thinking about it. It is by many practice that it may reduce a little bit. 

So rest a while is fine, but afterwards, get back up. Do one small thing, keep starting, know where to stop and wrap up despite the imperfection. Keep persevering when thinking of giving up. Remember, giving up means lose. Giving my best may still lose but there is no regret. And most importantly, giving best means progress no matter how small it is.

Cold Turkey from False Pride and Comfort

Today I am very angry again on myself. How can I be so indecisive? How can I be so blur? How can I not be able to write several sentences? How can I be afraid again?

I then get to know about cold turkey, a condition where we are addicted to something and we choose to stop from it. It is very hard. Maybe that is what I experience now. All my life I have got smoothness and an unreal sense of pride and comfort. So when I am now learning not to get those items which I am already addicted to, it’s very hard.

So do not give up, forgive myself, remember that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope. It may be weird to call what I have as suffering since nothing is really taken away from me except from my false pride and comfort. But since I struggled a lot, it can be considered as suffering. And so what? All people experience suffering. And in fact it helps me to see what matters the most. It opened up the ugly reality that performance and comfort are the most important to me. It is by God’s grace that now I learn to not worship them as it is bound to fail.

In short, do not lose heart. If you fail again today, try again tomorrow. If tomorrow fail again, try again the next day. It is a long battle. It does not mean that I cannot run. When I can run, then run, but when I need to crawl, then crawl, no need to cry about it. Face it and embrace it as part of life.

Analogy of Washing Dishes

Yesterday I have another reminder through analogy. I shared that yesterday I felt the anxiety and could not concentrate. Was the work too hard? No, but it seems there is no excitement. So the reply back was since when we always need excitement to work. Work is not always fun. We do things because it is the right thing to do and not because we are excited or feel good about it.

The analogy was on the dishes. Do we wash the dishes because we feel good? Not necessary. We wash because otherwise it stinks. Or even if it does not stink, it will pile up if we do not wash them. 

So likewise, I need to tell myself that regardless of my feeling, I still need to do the work whether in office or at home. This is in line with the truth that we need to depend on God's Word and not our emotional outlook.

I am not sure how, but this is not a matter of understanding. This is a matter of repeated practice on how we resist the urge to flee and being persistent on the item that we need to follow up on. 

So have faith, ready to be hurt of falling and be courageous to get back up every time I fall.

One Small Thing

Two days ago my best friend in office shared about Kaizen, a continuous improvement technique, which aims for one small improvement. 

It reminds me on how tough to celebrare progress. I managed to concentrate well for several periods. But in the last twenty minutes of the day, I was shaken again on the many things that have not been done. 

Instead of celebrating the progress made, I fell again on the tendency to look at how far am I still for the target, which is less helpful than focusing on the next one small thing. 

Worse, when I completed several one small things, I increased my standard whether in terms of the same small thing in terms of streak or in terms of the size of the one thing. So at the end I pressurized myself again. 

But this does not mean the method does not work. It is just a reminder of the reality on how I keep looking holes for increasing the standard. I need to remind myself and keep focusing to do the next one small thing. 

Especially after I pressurize myself, it is hard to continue again. So I need to equally look for opportunities to do the next one small thing. 

My False Self-Image

No wonder I am often stressed. The more I observe the more ideal but false images of myself that I found. 

When I wake up at this holiday, I am imagining I will be energetic and then do some sports and do many other fruitful things. In other word, I portray myself as a diligent person which in reality is not. I am lazy in nature. And so I need to learn to accept it. Yes, more diligent is needed but until I accept where I am now, it is hard to move. 

Similarly, when I found my friend being congratulated happy birthday and I didn't know, I felt something wrong. Why? Perhaps because I also like to portray myself as a caring person while in reality I actually care more about myself and my image. 

Another part is that I am not good in certain things, such as being firm or skillful. But I always want to be like them who have their skills without acknowledging I am not like them. There are certain things I need and can improve while there are many others beyond me. 

So today let's continue to accept who I actually am. 

Forbidden City: Portrait of an Empress

This evening my wife and I had the chance to watch a musical at Esplanade. It is a restaging of a musical produced in Singapore more than 10 years ago. 

I am not an art person but it is good to watch an art performance together with music that sounds to be beautiful although I cannot fully appreciate it. 

The story itself is inspired by historical events and I learnt a lot. It made me reading the wikipedia of the second last, third last, and fourth last Emperor of China. I also learn what it means with Dowager. 

There are somehow many things in this world that I am not interested in. That is normal. At the same time, it is interesting to see how watching a play can arouse the desire to know more about what happened in the past, something that I previously did not bother about. 

Once I started something, it is hard to stop. So I decided to write this post instead of keep dwelling on the wikipedia. 

To summarize, Xianfeng Emperor, the fourth last Emperor had the only son from Empress Dowager Cixi. He is Tongzhi Emperor, the third last emperor.  As Tongzhi does not have child, his cousin whose father is Tongzhi's father's brother and whose mother is Tongzhi's mother's sister becomes the second last Emperor, Guang Xu emperor. Then the last emperor is Puyi, the nephew of Guang Xu (his half brother's son) or called as Xuantong Emperor. 

Being Aware of Negative Bias and That It's Temporary

Yesterday I was afraid for a while, then managed to focus. This morning I wasted 30 minutes from the scheduled time to wake up but then recover. 

In office I was struggling but doing quite fine. After lunch it is very hard to concentrate. 

So I remember again my post yesterday, that I need target. Well, apparently my target is not realistic yet. I want to quantify it in terms of number of hours I can concentrate. 

But my best friend in office feedback that the measure now is simply to be aware that I am now in a negative bias. Meaning that my emotion is valid, but it is more negative than other times. In other word, I cannot say that tomorrow will be like this again or at least not putting forever in my current emotion. 

Another thing perhaps is to acknowledge. Today I did not do well. Let's try again tomorrow. And the focus is not to do well. But to be aware that it is possible to have negative feelings. So the more important is to get back up everytime I fall. 

Without realistic goals, it is hard to progress

Recently there are many regular things that I started to lose: writing 5 min a day, learning language, exercise, learning programming or coursers, and many more. 

There are two possible parts. First, is that I no longer have the goals. Without goals, the repetition becomes meaningless, just like how I do not feel like doing stretching in the morning, or to eat sufficient breakfasts in the morning. The lumo body lift to remind me being slouch is also less useful nowadays. In other word, I need to keep remember why I do that. For example, the stretching is because I want to achieve certain flexibility and certain strength. The good posture is also something I need so that I can control my breath and stress better. 

Similarly, for managing my emotions, I need goals. For example, that I need to be able to keep disputing my negative thoughts if I want to achieve my other goals. So, the practice of REBT twice a day becomes important, instead of just for the sake of doing. 

Secondly is the realistic. Remember to review whether the goal is realistic. Remember, it is not possible to suddenly change. It requires practice. It requires milestones. It needs budgeting. And even the process of budgeting itself needs practice. 

In doing these things, remember what people already said to me, I am not that weak. I have tendency to view things negatively, so when things look bleak, have faith that it is brighter than I thought. Even when I cannot do it now, find alternative, seek help, or if I need to do it, remember to practice step by step.  

Why is it so difficult to write?

Written on 1 August 2017

Recently, I am stoning a lot when it comes to writing be it short or long. It can be as short as for replying a whatsapp message. It can be also in terms of writing report or update or test plan. 

Somehow it is stuck there and the more I think about what to write, the more stuck I am. My wife helped by asking me, which part makes me afraid? Is it because I could not think properly and so I am afraid of the poor quality? Or is it because there are several alternatives that I cannot decide? Or is it lack of knowledge or data that can be resolved by some learning or data collection or data analysis?

Often I found that I don't write simply because I don't think I can write. In other word, I already condition myself that I could not write or think clearly. 

Now the hard part is that what do I do after knowing this? What kind of strategy I need to adapt? What doesn't work? For example, delaying until tomorrow or other time usually backfires as I do not know what to write and by that time the pressure for writing something nice have gone up.

I also want to test by writing this. It is not easy since I do not have a structurized topic. The difference perhaps is that I do not pressurize myself too much for writing this. Also, I am aware that writing here is difficult. So I have lower expectation on that. 

How do I bring this forward? I am not sure. The pressure is still high. God's grace is always available. It depends on whether I have the faith to rely on Him fully. 

Learning to make decision

Written on 26 July 2017
In the past two days, I stoned really a lot. Yesterday was very tough, today is tough as well. For every message that I need to reply, I think very long, it can be up to 1 hour. Some is even only replied after 1 day.

My mind wonders with the pro and cons of each alternative and I could not bear any of the consequences. That is the first problem. The second one is I become angry to myself when I cannot make decision. I rate myself as a very bad person. So the energy is consumed in being angry and being defensive at the same time instead of spent for encouraging myself to take the risk and remember that no decision is perfect. Even a good decision for me may not be good one for others.

These two days also remind me on how to bounce back. I become very down to the point that I have a pity on myself and try to look sad. It is as if I want everybody to understand that I cannot stand this situation.

Another lesson from these two days are the more I want to get out from the situations immediately, the worse the feeling is. It is a reminder that if something does not work, then we may need to go into reverse direction instead of keep pushing and expect immediate results. This will just lead to frustration.

So when things do not work, find alternative. When I could not decide, remember the past lessons. On how at the end my decision after 2 hours or even 1 day are not much different than the original one. So the idea is that am I willing to save time? If at the end I still need to decide and the consequence is still there, maybe it is better to just decide quickly and move forward instead of living in regrets.

And remember, if things still do not work, it does not mean that tomorrow cannot.

Practice and it will work!

Written on 25 July 2017
It is by the grace of God that I enjoy the benefits of fellow believers in office. Two of them met up with me as they worried about me and want to help me get back up. There are many things I learn from them. So I want to write those tactical tips so that I can practice using them. Also to remind myself that it is normal to be up and down and even if we have all the weapons ready, we need to practice using them in order to fight. Similarly, there is no need to be afraid when the attack is coming because the more attacks the more chances I can practice using the tactical tips.

The first tactical tip is move. If we are knocked out by attack, get back up. Whenever possible, give counter attack. By what we counter attack? It is by the Word of God. God is all powerful and only Him can deal with my unique struggle.

So the second tactical tip is to say the Word of God. It may look stupid, but counter each negative thought with the promise of God, with what God says about it. Let's try:
- When I feel like a failure, remember that God says we are fearfully and wonderfully made in Him.
- When I feel afraid, remember that God says do not be afraid for He is with me
- When I feel anxious, remember that God says cast anxiety in Him for He cares for us and that do not be anxious but in prayer, request anything and the peace of God that surpasses understanding will guard my mind and my heart.
- When I fall again, remember that God says those who believe in Him will fall seven times (means many many times) but will also rise up seven times (every time we fail)