It is okay to feel tired and emotional

I am now emotional again. I feel like expressing my anger to everyone around me. I just feel tired, there are so many things that I want to do, and there are also other things that I need to do based on my job scope or other work related requests from others.

I feel like I am not doing fast enough, smart enough. That is the reason I hate when people ask me to think more - as if I stop thinking in any moment of the day. Even in my sleep, sometimes I have dreams which require thinking.

Having said that, I think I need to recognize that the bigger problem now is that I am angry why I am emotional. I am angry why I am angry to others. In other word, I put an unrealistic demand to myself by saying I must not be tired, I must not waste time, I must not be emotional, I must change right now, I must do what others suggest me to do, I must look good to others.

So again, one part to heal is to accept that It is okay to feel tired. Rest but not quit, once said. It is okay to feel emotional. Give myself some time. Just like if I phyiscally feel tired or sick, I give time to heal. Likewise, as I am emotionally tired now, it is okay not to perform. It is okay to waste a bit of time. It is okay to fall down in the process of being balance instead of demanding that I must reach balance now.

My mentor in office told me today that he observed that I like to respond with “I need to change….” It is like putting all blame on myself. This is often counter productive as I become bitter and hate the people whom I am trying to accommodate in office. I also need to realize that the world does not depend on me. So whether I fail or succeed, it may not matter much.

Another thing is that it is okay if I now feel like I have two sides. Once who does not want to get new tasks and one that wants to help others. Again, my mentor said, check whether these two are mutually exclusive. For example, my Italian friend last December mentioned to me that it is okay to reject others. In fact, we may be doing good by rejecting others and pointing others to other people who are more suitable to help them.

Also, remember that Jesus said “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and uyou will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30).

As I also remind myself not to desire for fairness, I need to remember the context of this verse “When Peter saw him, he said to Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” (John 21:21-22)

So it is not just that I do not need to expect others to have the same calling as me. But more importantly, is to focus my attention and energy in following Jesus, not others. Nor success, approval, fairness, and comfort.