Back to doing one by one

Back to Singapore, I am now faced with the question which one to do first again.

The first day after back home is challenging especially the later part of the day when I started feeling nervous and doubting my choices. At the same time, I started well and ended relatively well. 

I began the day with reassuring myself that I can do it and today is not much different than traveling days. In each of the day, we were also faced with the questions which one to do first. It's just that during holiday, my wife is always beside me to help me to estimate time more realistically and to learn to let go on the places that we could not visit due to time constraints. Now it's also still a holiday but since we are at home (well unfortunately my wife has already gone back to office for two days), we do different things such as preparation back to work which means I need to decide on myself which one to do first. 

Then afterwards, I remember my friend's suggestion which is to aim to complete one thing for each day with clear completion criteria. So I made a target to empty the three luggages we have. Also I set alarm for every 25 minutes to remind me to take a break. It's a good thing to stop for a while even if it is less than a minute such as drinking a water. Hopefully I can continue that practice. 

The next day it was also good as my target was to put my carry-on traveling bag to be emptied and put back in the storage. I also swim for the first time in 3 weeks and then met a friend for lunch followed by hair cut. There are still many things to be done though. It just shows that when I am clear on which one to be done, it can really be cleared. So I need to be clear which one that I want to do the most and which one that does not have to be done on that day or even does not have to be done at all. 

Today I did not start as well as the first two days as I was not clear on what to achieve today. It is like going for a holiday but no single plan for that day. It is fine if the one thing to focus is to relax. But if it is not, it is better to set something today which for sure there is as I did not complete all on my to-do-list yesterday. So for example, one thing I can do is to open my e-mail, perhaps not to complete all of them. But the fact to download all my e-mail is also a good thing. Or to set up the e-mail at my phone as I didn't do it during holiday. Writing this blog as well is also one of the thing that I delayed which I think needs to be done today. 

So in this last day of the year 2016, let's continue do one by one again, and be clear on what are the things I want to do today. 

Our Reciprocation Tendency

On the Christmas day, I went to Living Faith Presbyterian Church and heard the sermon from Pastor Andy. His message is refreshing and reminds me on my automatic tendencies.

First, I tend to glance too fast on the gospel that I forget on the significance of Jesus coming to earth as a man. He is God but humbles himself to become a man. It is not a one notch lower but many steps below who He is. Perhaps it is understandable for us to take one step lower, but to be treated lower than who we are is already challenging. But Jesus took it all the way, not only becoming a man but being born in a poor family. Not only that, He is obedient till death. A lot of us maybe obedient till the point that we want or to the point where it's uncomfortable. But Jesus is obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross. 

Second, when I realize on what Jesus has done for me, I respond wrongly. Instead of rejoicing on what He has done, I start asking myself on what I can do for Him. Well it sounds nice. But I need to be careful not to fall on the tendency of reciprocation in Asian culture where others' gift can become guilt and burden to pay back instead of dwelling on the generosity of the giver. Because at least I have seen many times where I want to be the generous side instead of becoming beneficiary. Or at least I want to be equal by paying back other people's kindness.

The problem is that we cannot pay back on what Jesus has done for us. So if I keep asking to be good enough, there is never a point in the future that I will be good enough. And again the focus is wrong if I dwell on myself instead of enjoying how great Jesus is and start a living full with joy and awe of Him.

Be careful in generalizing!

I had the privilege in visiting three cities in US and try their metro trains. From there, I learn to be careful in drawing conclusions too fast and in building a perception based on my imagination or what people said. The first city to visit is Washington DC. I heard that it is worse than New York City and so I had a low expectation. It turns out that they have a card called Smart Trip that we can tap just like in Singapore. And the train was decent. I also only tried short distances as the maximum I went is less than five stations.

Then I went to New York City with a higher expectation. It is surprising to see that the metro subway is dark and not clean. I also feel uncomfortable with their notification system and pathways. It is hard, at least in the station near my hotel, to find out how long to wait for the train or the train schedule. I think there is none. So if there are two options of going to the same place, we will not know which one to take based on the arrival time. After we decide just by the fact whether they are express or local train, we also do not know how long more to wait. The pathway is also troublesome. There is no escalator or lift. And the worse part is that sometimes the entrance determines the direction. So we need to pay again if we are on the platform with wrong direction as we need to exit, cross the road outside and enter again. This is significant as their system is a one fixed fare regardless the distance. Also the card system is a bit outdated as they still use the filmsy card with magnetic stripe to swipe.

This is where the danger of generalizing lies. Since I thought New York City is supposed to be better than Washington DC in terms of the subway, I lose hope on the system and thought that in US, the train system is worse than other countries like in Singapore or the few cities in Europe I have visited. So I have low expectation when I go to Los Angeles. This is because there is even people who do not know that Los Angeles have metro train! The perception I heard before is that the public transportation of New York City is good while we need to drive in Los Angeles. It turns out I was totally wrong. Los Angeles has a card called Tap - which yes, we can just tap instead of swipe. The card is solid just like in Washington DC and Singapore. And yey, the metro station is nice and bright together with good timing notification. It is even better that they give two timing for each direction, the coming train and the subsequent train. So at least we have a rough idea on how long to wait if we miss the train (assuming we are on the entrance and we cannot run fast).

So thanks to the metro train experience, I was reminded to be careful not to immediately trust my own perception or what I heard, as well as not too generalize too fast in drawing conclusion for something bigger like the country experience just based on one or few cities.

Cheer up; you're a lot worse off than you think you are

That’s the quote from Jack Miller that I got from Rev. David Bisgrove’s sermon this evening. The point is that we can stop proving ourselves. No matter how good we think we are, we are not good enough before God. Often I want to be the best in terms of both character and performance in work and family. But the thing is that it is impossible to do that. So the good news is that we are worse than we thought. We don’t have to take things seriously because the things that we are proud of can be collapsed anytime. At the same time, we can appreciate how great the grace of God through Jesus as we remember the essence of Christmas.

We don’t only remember Christmas as a giving season, but a time to remind that Jesus comes to take control of our life. Only by knowing Him we can know who we truly are. And what He has done for us is to realize how we fall short of God’s standard and how He has died in place of us that we can have a renewed relationship and ability to worship God.

Back to the quote, the complete quote from Jack Miller is as follows, "Cheer up; you're a lot worse off than you think you are, but in Jesus you're far more loved than you could have ever imagined."

Keeping a good habit

It’s hard to keep a good habit. We need to build it over a long period of time but it takes a short time to stop it.

A good analogy was using lip balm during winter. I used it for the first three days when I reached US. However, afterwards, I let go that good habit due to various reasons such as rushing to the conference site. At the end I only remember about it several days later when my lip started to crack. What a pity. I know that I don’t like using lip balm. But finally I convinced myself that I don’t like it but I can stand it. I don’t have to like it but it is rational to use it. After all the efforts to do in the initial days, I started to let it go.

Likewise is about this writing. It was not easy to encourage myself to write. But nowadays I started to let it go. I still remembered that during the last long trip in June, I still keep the habit of writing even when I was traveling. In fact, I wrote down a list of topic on what to write that I can continue later on whenever I am free. It is a pity if now I don’t write down immediately on the possible topic to write. It’s almost two weeks of traveling and there are so many interesting points that I have learned. Although it’s difficult, let’s continue again on the habit of writing 5 mins a day.

Just Do My Best

Today I was reminded not to give up easily. There are things that I wanted but I felt like giving up because it is hard to manage. Or on the other extreme, I tend to think just do it anyhow, do for the sake of doing. Both are not right. I need to do a good job. I need to do my best. It is falling forward, even when I fall, I try to get back up again in a forward manner. 

It may take longer than other people. But it can be done. The most important thing is to give my best, not to escape and take easy way out. I need to think, not just why I am not like what I want, but on how I can improve myself towards my goals. 

When I am tired, it is okay to rest for a while, but not to the point that I do not want to wake up. I need to get up again and continue the journey. 

As for whether I can do it or not, the question is how would I know? To be frank, we never know whether things will happen. And that’s why we need to keep trying. Just like today, amazingly I can meet a friend from New York at Tokyo station among a huge amount of people and out of the many possibility of time that we can be at the same place together. But yes, God can make it happen. So as we are not entitled to see the future beforehand, we never know whether something that is impossible is really impossible. Because to God, everything is possible. 

Physically stuck

I often experienced emotional stuck, a state where I could not think clearly and consequently am unable to move. Yesterday I experienced a physical stuck on my bag where the zipper accidentally grips on the cloth that it could neither close or open. It gives me the benefits of going through the process of overcoming a problem.

Automatically two things came up on my mind. First, why I was not careful enough to cause the zipper to stuck. Secondly, why it had to be stuck that way, as in I could not access to the contents of my bag. I wished the stuck position was different in a way that I could still put things in or take things out from my bag. These are my usual automatic response - why I made such a mistake and why my mistake results in significant blockage.

After I came out from my guilt and denial stage, I had to face the problem solving stage. My usual response is to stick on the method that does not work. I tried to open it by force and it didn’t stuck. I tried harder and it didn’t move. I wanted to keep doing it.

Fortunately I was with my wife. We googled the way to overcome a stucked zipper such as using lubricant like soap. But it didn’t work. I wanted to continue doing the thing that didn’t work. But we decided to go for dinner first as it was the time to eat. We tried to buy tweezer after dinner but it didn’t help much. We tried to google again and was reminded to observe the place where the obstruction starts instead of just the place where it stucks. So my wife came out with the idea that we need to step back, instead of directly opening it, we need to close it a bit. I tried it while observing the cloth that was stuck and finally managed to close and then open it.

It was a good experience and reminder that when there is something stuck there is also a solution as we persevere finding ways to address the problem.

How does having high expectation benefits me?

There was a question asked to me, how does perfectionism benefit me? In other word, what do I gain from my efforts to become perfectionist?

There are several possible answers. One is that by striving towards perfection, I can feel good about myself. There is a low self-esteem in me that craves for the achievements that help me to feel better. But how do I define as achievements? Is it defined as being better than others?

Second is that perfectionism often leads to procrastinate. Procrastinate makes us do last minute stuffs which are useful in two ways. In Tim Urban’s words, it is useful because it wakes up the panic monster who can beat the instant gratification monkey within us. Another use I think is to give myself excuse if I am not doing well as I want because of the limited time I have. So my real performance becomes unknown as compared to if I have prepared for a long time.

But finding answers are not the main goal. The main goal is to find a healthier alternative that can yield us the same benefits. That is because perfectionistic tendency along with procrastination are costly. I need to acknowledge the benefits that they bring and at the same time realize how destructive they are in the long run.

For example, high expectation realized in perfection will probably make us more needed, but at the same time it means more work which can steal happiness from us.

So I need to keep asking why do I want to have high expectations. What are the goals behind it? Is there any healthier alternative?

Fear of Failure and Fear of Rejection

Today I learn that worrying makes sense. Worrying in a lot of small things help to cover up my biggest worries. When I worry about small things, then I do not need to think about my biggest worry. At the end, I only try to address things which are on surface while the root causes are not solved.

I often say that I am not good in time management, or my common sense is not good. Or that I am easily stressed. But all these cover my biggest worries, fear of failure and fear of rejection. I have never totally failed or totally been rejected, so it becomes a what if scenario, thinking that I would not be able to stand it when those things happen. Those are uncertain. And unless I practice of addressing those fears, other things will remain. For example, my indecisiveness is correlated with my tendency to avoid failure. My inability to say not stems of fear of rejection. Or even the perfectionism itself may come out with fear of me rejecting myself.

This also reminds me that if I want to remove my little worries, I need to find another coping mechanism to address my main worries. Otherwise, I will tend to cling on those little worries as they have proven themselves to alleviate my main worries to some degree, at least in short term.

So, let’s keep asking, so what if I fail? So what if people reject me? This would also help me to reflect on how true it is in my belief of Jesus who has promised to be with us no matter what and the assurance that He has accepted us.

Losing momentum when I have time

In these past few days, I was doing things one by one but could not finish what was planned. So I desire for more time. Interestingly, right after lunch when I am supposed to have free time, I lost momentum and not feel like doing anything. I feel sleepy, perhaps I ate too much. Another reason maybe because I want to do a lot of things. So when I have the time like now; interestingly I do not want to do anything.

Let's accept this situation and move on.

It takes an effort to maintain good habit

After 10 months of trying to write at least 5 mins a day, this month I kind of loose the discipline to do it. It reminds me that good habit is not automatic. It is hard to maintain. It takes an effort. Because when we don’t, we are building a habit not to do it. 

Just like the last time I wrote was on 10th Nov. It was still early in the month. Then I went for a business trip for 1 week when I did not try to write for 5 mins even when I was on the plane for hours. Now it is almost a week after I am back and finally try to write again. 

There is no use of criticizing myself. The more constructive approach is to acknowledge that I have not been doing it, let it go, and move on. Let’s try to write again for 5 mins. It does not have to be longer to pay back. Let’s start it over. 

There are two things to maintain a good habit. One is a reminder. Second is the effort to do it with prioritizing it over others that are also important. A reminder is good. For example, I bought Lumo Lift, a posture coach, which will vibrate if I slouch. Without it, I often forget and not realize when I slouch. The second one is the willingness to spend effort. In the case of the posture coach, it is relatively easier as I just need to change my posture immediately, which is less than 5 seconds. But when it takes effort, like this writing of 5 mins, it is then we start to be tested on whether we are willing to stop and do something for 5 mins before moving on other tasks. This would be a foundation if we have another good habit such as exercise which requires us to stop and exercise for even longer time - 30 mins without cooling down or traveling time. So let’s do one by one, it is ok to fall, accept it, and rise again.

When I start comparing, remember my original objective

I have the automatic habit of comparing. Whether it is to other people, my past self, or my ideal self, my life seems never stop from being in comparing state. Most of my day I would start with fear of not being able to maintain or improve from yesterday. When I heard people talking, I will start comparing myself with how talented or knowledgeable they are and why I couldn’t be as good as them.

When I start comparing, that means the objective has been changed to winning the competition, to be better than the benchmark which usually does not happen and so it’s frustrating.

So I need to stop comparing. But what I would do then if I am not comparing? The answer is remember and focus on my objective. Why am I doing it? If it is because I want to be able to do something, then continue doing until I can do it regardless whether others are faster or better or consume less resources than me.

This also applies when I am not sure what to do next. The objective is to use the time wisely. So whether or not I made the good decision or not, it is still better than stoning. So take the courage, be ready to fail and get back up again. Even after I am writing this, I will for sure fall again. But when that happens, remember that the objective is not to avoid falling, but how to be able to get back up everytime I fall.

Treating myself as my best friend

A question given to me was that would I treat others as the way I treat myself upon a failure? What do we do when we see a 1-year old fall down in the process of learning to walk? Wouldn’t we be clapping to encourage the baby? What would we say to our best friends when they make mistakes and feel down?

If it is different from the way I treat myself, the question is why is it so? Why am I different than them? Am I very special that I treat myself differently? I may say that it is normal to be upset as I look like a baby in the midst of adult in terms of resilient skills. But why don’t I say that if my friends are in that position? Do I think myself as special? Why do I have higher standard on myself?

Today I am reminded again to be kind to myself, to be patient to myself, to learn to give praise to celebrate each progress and encouragement to lift up from each failure.

Just like this writing, there is no need to judge myself. There is also no need to fear of the future, that is whether I can maintain my good feeling like this. The more important thing is to encourage myself again when I fall. Stop comparing myself with others, stop comparing myself with my past achievement. And learn to be friend of myself.

Delayed Gratification

Somehow it is difficult for me to do something when I could not see the real immediate impact. It is like I am having a problem to live out the concept of delayed gratification especially when it involves active participation in doing something. A question popped up in my mind today that if someone told me to do something and it will be successful in the 1000th attempt, would I do it? Perhaps if one attempt takes only 1 sec, I will do it. But if it takes one day for each attempt, would I do it if the outcome is something that I really want? I am not sure. Somehow the present comfort seems to be more precious than anything. And that is the real barrier to have a delayed gratification.

Another symptom is that I am easily frustrated. Like just now I need to do something which I have done before but I forgot. Somehow I take it very seriously and I become upset of myself, asking how I could forget about it instead of taking it easy and put it into the to-do list if it cannot be solved now.

Just like a stall engine, somehow when I could not achieve what I want, even simple things, something that I know I can do, can end up undone due to procrastination. It’s like I do not want to move on unless something that is bothering me is solved. But is that realistic? In the world, there are many things that we cannot solve regardless whether we are the one causing it or not.

So the question, as tomorrow is a new month, would I want to try again? This month I wrote less than usual. Perhaps it is also due to the fact that I was desperate for something with immediate impact and writing may not be one of them. Also, the commitment to review my past writing would also be something that is important that hopefully I can work on even if I could not see immediate improvement after doing it.

A Different Kind of Hero

I have the tendency to want to be a hero of others. I want to help people first without checking whether I have the capability to help. It is not wrong, but at the same time, I need to check why I want to do that. Perhaps the reason I do that is because of my pride. It feels good if I can look to be of help to others or to sacrifice of others, as if it increases my meaning of life. Sometimes to the point of helping others when they don’t need it. 

One thing I observe is that it is a short cut of a true hero. A true hero overcomes fear. And the thing is that I now have so many fears, fear of making mistakes, fear of disappointing people, fear of the future, and fear of becoming myself without any mask. I need to protect myself against the overly critical expectations I have, the attacks of when I demoralize myself with so many accuses and criticism. I need the courage to continue doing one by one even when I don’t feel like doing it or even when I see no evidence of breakthrough. Sooner or later, I will have the uncomfortable feelings again and when that happens, I need to face it instead of running away from it. 

Doing one by one: which one first and how to do it?

Today I struggled again in making decision. I know that I am not good in multitasking and some studies also show that it is not effective. So do one by one is the option I chose. Next question is which one first? Especially as we are aware that time is not enough to do all things in the list. This is where I often mix up into one and lump two things at the same time, which one to do first and which one not to do (maybe not to do at all). Then I tend to stuck and not doing any part of it. 

The reality that I need to accept is that there is no perfect decision. I know that I have the tendency to regret whatever I decide and that is ok. Or at least it is a separate problem. So it is not realistic to expect to choose an alternative that does not have the down side. This includes on the alternative on how we want to do that work. At the end we just need to choose and stick on that. If it turns out to be wrong and we can still change it, then change it. Otherwise, bear the consequence knowing that the other alternative has similar risk. This is because the thing that I am indecisive typically mean they are similar weight of priorities. Otherwise I will just choose it like there are certain food that I don't eat. It is only when they are ok then I have the problem to choose. So that means they are ok too. Well the priority or the weight may be wrong but that is also a separate problem. Let's do one thing at a time. Remember, the worst alternative is to stand in the middle and not choosing or keep postponing without any clear deadlines.

Guided Art Jamming

Yesterday my team went for a guided art jamming session. It was a good experience for me to observe my feelings and to stop when it is good enough according to my ability.

First, I learned to be less skeptical about arts. I always have the impression that I cannot do it. But the teacher demonstrated within few minutes that it is possible with a simple technique to create something. For yesterday’s acrylic painting, we need to start with the background first before filling up with the details. Then for details like tree, we need to be relax and inaccurate instead of trying to draw a straight line. The last part was that even if we make a lot of mistakes, we can still create something out of it.

Apparently the simple technique is not that simple. I could not repeat what he saw. But that’s where the session was useful. I managed to observe my feelings on how I started to be envious on my colleagues’ works as they draw a nicer one. But then I decided to just enjoy the process of playing with color and do what I can, even when it does not look satisfying.

The happy part was that when I decided to stop as it was good enough according to my ability. It is quite rare as I have the tendency to keep adding things until the last minute. I guess it was the courage to admit where my ability is. Also, to be more relaxed instead of thinking that something is not good enough and loss the enjoyment.

Now the challenge is how I can apply the same process and experience to other areas. Can I say to myself that there is no need to regret what has been done just like the paint was already put on the canvas. Also, to focus on the background and what the essential characteristics and then let go the perfection and enjoy the process.

A Reminder from Heavy Rain

Two days ago it rained heavily in the morning. It helped me to remind on how to respond to my anxiety and uncomfortable feeling. The question is that is it realistic to expect that we can control the weather?

I know the answer that it is not possible for me to stop the rain or vice versa. At least not that I know of. But often I expect that I can change my feeling when it is not comfortable. I even become angry and upset why I feel that way. Drawing the analogy to rain, it is not helpful to be angry when it is raining. What we can do is to know that it is not dangerous in general and we have the choice of staying at home or going out with umbrella. Another thing about rain is that we know that it will stop. But often I treat my uncomfortable feeling as something that is permanent, something that is dangerous and must not happen.

So what I can do is to observe how I am feeling but do not need to try to change it. If it is a happy feeling, remember that it is not always there that I start taking beyond what I am capable of. If it is a sad feeling, there is no need to escape, it will go away by itself. The best action is to stick with daily living and move on as I observe my changing feelings.

Identifying Differences

Last Monday I learned about identifying differences. First, there is difference between thoughts and feeling. Feeling is something that can be described by one word. So if I start to explain things, that is not feeling but they are thoughts. For example, I could not concentrate, my mind keep switching is thought whereas nervous, anxious, stressed are feelings.

Secondly, there are differences between main problem and secondary problem. I have an anxiety challenge which apparently I mixed up into one where they actually consist of two different things. The first anxiety comes from the main issue itself, for example whether I can do a task or complete a slide. The irrational beliefs are something like I must do it well, I must not make mistake, it must be perfect, etc. The second anxiety is triggered when I felt anxious. Instead of accepting, I have another layer of irrational belief such as I must not feel anxious or I must be positive at once, if I cannot change now, then I will never be able to change.

It is important to address the secondary anxiety first. This is to ensure that we allow enough room and space to change. To convince myself that changing ourselves takes time. So it is fine if there are ups and downs. Then we can devote more energy to address the main source of anxiety itself.

This shows that I need to learn to break down things into steps. But then again, I need to ensure that I do not force myself to achive that skill now but instead learn to practice of breaking things down into bit-sized actions.

This week shows that I can indeed stand it

It has been almost a week since the last time I wrote. It was a stressful week as I needed to present twice and created a poster. A lot of times, I said to myself that I cannot stand it. I cannot stand the feeling of not being able to think clearly. I cannot stand the imperfection I have, the low skills that I have that even finding pictures to make visual representation better is a daunting task for me.

But here I am, still alive and survive. I thought this week would be a horrible week. I thought I would perform so badly that I deserve if I lose my job. All the catastrophyizing thoughts that I created myself. One thing that I observe is that I tend to accept my limitations only when the deadline is coming. That is where I decided to let go and just face whatever consequences that are usually far from my worst case scenario.

So the thing that I need to practice is to remember that I can stand the frustration feelings. I need to remember that I can let go when external thing that I cannot change such as deadline imposed by others or something that cannot be postponed such as presentation. It is still quite far to wish that I can impose a self-created deadline and meet it. Somehow my mind has the habit knowing that there is not yet real consequences if I cross my own deadlines. Or perhaps my perfectionism ignores my own deadline. Or maybe I don’t like myself enough to respect the deadline that I have set.

In short, continue remembering that I can stand it. Not just when feeling frustrated but when feeling very attracted to something which leads of overdoing, to simple thing such as feeling very sleepy.

Reflection from organizing team building session

Last August I wanted to organize a farewell for my intern using team building session. But at the end I wavered because there is one colleague who cannot attend and I started to feel bad as other farewell usually does not use team building fund. So I canceled it and moved the team building session this month. It turns out that there are at least 3 people who can't join for all possible dates while the budget is due at the end of this month. 

The reason I capture here is so that I do not feel guilty. Rather, I need to extract the lesson learned and then move on. The lesson is that when most people are available, just go ahead. Stick to the current plan and initial thoughts, avoid being shaken by some additional thoughts. As for now, things have already happened and we can't turn back the time. Look at the alternatives available and then decide one of them. Acknowledge that at the end the decision would not be able to satisfy all people, especially at this stage where more than 2 people are not around. 

Also remember that it is not my main task. So there is no need to worry much about it. Stay focus on my main tasks. 

Accepting Myself

One of the root causes of my stress is being unable to accept the conditions. I wasted much time in hating why I feel stress again. As my wife and best friends told me, there is no use of doing that. I can’t let myself focusing on that. But at the same time, it also does little help by forcing myself not to focus. I need a replacement. I tend to stuck on a point where the feeling comes. Asking why I can’t escape from that is not an action. I need to find alternative solution.

The solution that is within reach, like this afternoon, eat apple cake and ice cream and then went for swimming. The keyword is selectively. At times like this, I tend to want to quit all things just like I want to do all things when I feel good. So to learn from mistakes, I need to selectively quit just as I need to selectively do.

Little actions that can be done also include change my posture to be straight, and then take a deep breath instead of just sigh.

The importance of finding root cause and measurement

When I face issues, I thought the solution is the willpower to change. The problem is when I face those issues, I don't feel like I have enough willpower. I tried to persist but I failed again. 

One of possible reason is that I am not addressing the root cause. Willpower to change is a generic solution which may not address the rootcause. 

For example, the root cause may be that I let myself driven by fear. Another is that I do not have clear ruler on what my priorities are. 

So how can I prioritize when my priority is not defined yet. A measure is needed. Even if it is imperfect measure, it is still better than not having any measure. 

Remember to keep practicing

It is tough. There are many ups and downs today. In general, it is good. It’s just that we need to work hard, perhaps not physically but mentally. It is still easy for me to shout that I can’t take this situation. Once I got back up and concentrated for a while, the tendency is to do many things and forgetting other things. Once I try to strike balance, I become weak and suddenly feel very tired.

Again, the intention is to practice of being aware of my feeling and my thought, convincing myself that I can stand the difficulties. It has been a habit not to strive for what I am interested in or give up too early. I have managed to challenge this, but to make an impact, I need to make it a habit, and building a habit takes time. There are many times today that I am still very critical of myself when there is no clear action on what I can do next. Remember, either rest or if I still strive to do, there is no need to regret what I have done. Find out what is the remaining thing that I can still do, and do it good enough, not more. Tomorrow is not an easy day. But belive in God who has given enough strength and whose power is made full in our weakness.

God’s Help through Strangers

It is still easy for me to fall in a hopeless mood. A small setback or unexpected events could make me feel that life is so difficult forgetting the bright side of it. The truth that I remember is that even when I see and think of no hope, there is actually a secure hope in God.

When I feel hopeless, it is because I am projecting things in a linear way, as in if now is bad, tomorrow will also be bad. Maybe I think not just linear but a state of no change. In reality, things keep change, and I need to learn to be flexible in adapting it. I hate change but these past week there are frequent changes in my schedule that reminds me how unrealistic it is to plan for a day without expecting any sudden change.

Back to the topic, last Wednesday I ate at ABC Brickworks food center. I just finished buying take aways for my colleagues who couldn’t join for lunch and walked back to my table. Once I was seated, there was a lady approaching me speaking in Chinese. Thank God that my colleagues were still there and helped me translate. It turns out that my wallet fell from my pocket somewhere in between the stall and the table. I quickly went back and found it.

It is God’s reminder that kindness still exists. I am really thankful to that unknown lady for telling me even though we are not related in any way. She could just walked off as anyway it seems that she only saw from a distance and not close to the point where I dropped my wallet. The interesting thing was it happened when I was quite stressed.

After I re-commit myself for a long journey of change last Thursday, things are better but the ups and downs are still there. It requires a commitment to stay through and faith to believe that God’s words are true.

It takes time to change

In January this year, I was asked on how many times have I been anxious due to over perfectionism. The answer was in tens of thousands, at least. During that period, I was convinced that it takes a long time to change. But when I saw an immediate change, it seems that I forgot that. I began to take many commitments that are mostly beyond my capacity and ability. As expected, it is bound to have many self-initiated setbacks because of that. 

The problem becomes much worse when I started to blame myself. I was thinking that I should not have done those initiatives in the first place. But the question today was how I know whether I won't take these kinds of commitments even when I was in negative position. 

In short, I have converted the process of change itself into work. I become worried whether I am doing well in changing myself. So I need to remind myself that it is expected that I become down again. It is part of the process of change which takes a long time. The main thing is that I do not give up in practicing the steps to overcome perfectionism. 

How do I know that it's my fault?

I often blame myself that it's my fault when things are not working well. It is easy for me to say I should have done this and that for almost every moment. 

My best friend in office asked me, how do I know? How do I jump into that conclusion that I am at fault? Yes, it may be my imperfection. But does imperfect mean faulty? Also, it may be due to various contributions from others. Or it may be just it takes time to do it right. There is no shortcut for it which means if I cannot do it, then I am a problem. 

Similarly, even if I lose job, does it mean that I am a failure? How do I know that? It may be just because of the economic situation. 

Another thing is how do I know that if I am not at the level or capability that I want, then it's my fault. This is another potential missing link. I often say that I am stressed because I cannot accept where I am now. But if that is the problem, what is the difficulty to change our mind and accept where I am? This again maybe because I jump into conclusion that being in my current state is my mistake. 

So be careful in assessing myself. Avoid jumping into conclusion. When I know there is something that can help, there is no need to judge that it is my fault of not using it earlier. We may simply forget and it is fine. 

Wrong motivations on why I like to help others

I wonder why I like to help others so much as in to postpone my own activities and immediately give help. It turns out that I have wrong motivations for doing that.

First, helping others for something that I can help have less emotional burden. This means that I am free from the high expectation of myself since I know I can do it and anyway the result is not measured against me but to the person whom I help. This is in contrast to if I do my own job where my perfectionism may kick in that the emotional pressure for doing that is much higher. How do I know this? There are two situations which reveals this wrong motivation of mine. The first situation is when the problem is too difficult for me. In this case, I will feel helpless and hate why I know this problem in the first place, an indication that I want to run away from high emotional burden. The second situation is when I am asked to help where my name will be put or there is a possibility of having others reviewing me. For example, I feel stressed when asked to write testimonial letter and when trying to help to lead a prayer meeting. This is because I am afraid that I wrote poorly or lead poorly and creates emotional burden.

Second, I prefer helping others to myself as I have external rewards such as praises from others. Inside, somehow I can also appreciate better when I help others. There is a feeling good created after helping others. In short, there is reward from helping others. This is in contrast when I just do my job. Since it is my job, most probably there is less praises from others. It is fine when we have a system to reward ourselves. Unfortunately I have not developed a habit and compassion to reward myself when I do my own tasks. Usually I will give excuse that I do not know what I like. But to be honest, this is not true. I know that I like praises but it is very difficult to give encouragement to myself.

By identifying these wrong motivations, I hope that I can help myself more. Also, when I help others, hopefully I have the right motivations based on care for others and not for relieving my emotional burden or getting the rewards that I seldom give to myself.

Reacting proportionally

Another thing I realize I need to work on is how to react proportionally. The problems can be divided at least into three situations.

The first situation is where I react constantly, no matter what the context is. It is like an open loop. I just give the same power no matter what is the importance of the task. I just work hard to reach perfection there, whether it is a small test or a big test. In one way it is good. At the same time, it can create unncessary stress when I take things too seriously. Also, it may be wasting of energy to for example do all the cleaning steps when something is already clean.

Secondly is to overreact. People talk about me or others in a way that I don’t like, then I take it personally. While it is just a comment which may not matter much or something that does not have enough support. Or perhaps it is something subjective that we don’t have the right to change people’s perception.

Third is to underreact. It is something important but I don’t spend time enough. This is typically something that need to save or need to do bit by bit, in short prepare in advance. Something that cannot be prepared last minute. Or something that cannot be acquired in one shot but require repetition and practice.

So, let’s react proportionally by defining the outcome and the goal when we do something. Based on that goal, give proportional efforts and reactions.

We need to unload stuffs from our mind

I am currently reading a book called Getting Things Done by David Allen. I learned from there that our mind will remind things that we need to do, usually when we can't do something about them. In other word, our mind doesn't know when is the right time to remind us. That is why when we think of something, usually I think that it should be done now. This distracts me from what I currently do and most of the time results in nothing done. 

Another thing that I often experience is that when I set reminders, somehow I do not feel like doing it. This may indicate that I am not fully clear on what those tasks mean to me. The intended outcome is not clear that perfectionism may also come and cause fear as the standard is high and unclear. 

What to do when I hate myself again

This morning when I woke up, I hate myself again. I just want to run away by keep sleeping and told myself I couldn't do anything good. After 20 minutes, I said to myself that perhaps to change myself is too difficult, but to wake up, to stretch for 5 mins, to take a shower, and to have breakfast is doable. 

That is an example on how I over generalize things when I started to hate myself. If I ask why I hate, it's because the person I am is not up to my own standard. 

There are some illusions there. First, it is as if I can't stand the feeling where actually it is not the first time. Second is because I want to change overnight. So when I couldn't see enough change, I start to hate myself. In other word, I think of the problem more than to think what I can do in that situation. 

This requires humility to seek help and to acknowledge mistakes. However, it is not useful when I try to change overnight. I need to ask again what I can do to improve my humility instead of just hating my pride.  

Relax, the world doesn't depend on me

Recently I learned that a lot of tasks that I have come from myself. 10 years ago maybe I have a considerable amount of tasks from others. Now that I have learned to say no at some contexts, it is time to look at how I generate additional tasks to myself. 

One common area is that I become middle man for free. The middle man can be in many forms. For example, I want to represent my company or my church by replying or making sure that they are well represented in some forum. No one asked. It is just me having some standard as if their wellbeing depends on me while they actually don't. 

Another example is that when others want to say feedback. I sometimes can't take it when others have something to say but do not dare or do not want to say it. This is the time where I have the urge to become a bridge. 

The previous example can be extended even more extreme where I try to become the bridge between a person and himself. What I mean is that sometimes the person say yes to certain task or responsibility beyond his capability and I want to stop it. I want to become the bridge between his desire and his ability. The problem is that it is not in my place and it is not realistic to do that.

Given this reflection, I need to remember that there is no need to dwell too much on what I have done. What I have is the present. Learn from mistakes and move on. And relax, the world doesn't depend on me. 

Undone task is undone

Today I learned again that no matter how long we have delayed them, there are some tasks of which request will come back again. 

There is a task that was given by me on 27 June. After delaying for some time, I managed to present in my asset meeting, but then I delayed the follow up again. It is still in my to-do-list, in the top 10 priority, but I don't feel like doing it. Anyway, people have not asked me. 

Surprisingly, there is another colleague of mine who was not in the loop but today asked me for some data. Not those who requested or who saw my presentation, but another person. It is surprising as I didn't thought at all that someone else may need the data. 

At the same time, it is still quite difficult to manage my time. This morning was good. But after lunch it became more challenging. I was distracted by the non-main task of the day. And it was quite difficult to concentrate back and the time to leave office was already in. 

At the end, I still need to learn the balance of getting things done. What I need to remember that it does not mean that when things are going back, the solution is to rush it. Rushing may not solve the issue, do not jump to the solution. Understand the problem better, like what makes me unable to follow up quickly, is it that the 25-minute system is not in place? Or what caused me to still exceed some boundaries. When I think something is urgent, did I stop for a while to think, and say let me get back to you? Did I write down for 5 minutes what is the intended outcome?

Tomorrow will be challenging. But do not give up, keep fighting. 

How to make myself awake?

Often I feel very sleepy or tired. So the question is how to make myself awake?

The first step is to recognize that I am sleepy or tired and I need to do something. In other word, I need to accept that I am limited and it is normal to feel that way. Without that acceptance, I would be in a denial stage which would guarantee me to fall asleep. There are many times where my wife saw me sitting in front of my laptop dozing off or worse, not able to stand in the MRT. That is what happens when I deny that I feel sleepy. 

Once I accept that I need help, then it is equally important to do something. Sometimes I am over confident by thinking I can stay awake just by will power. But apparently it does not work. It requires more than will power to do that. 

One easy way is to drink coffee, and then if I am really sleepy, I can take a nap for 15 mins while waiting it to take effect. If it is in the meeting, then that's where the will power would be a good complement. 

If it is at home, there is an easier way. Just wash my face. I am still amazed on how powerful it is. Just by washing a portion of us, somehow it feels much better. So the discipline that we need is to take several steps to the washroom and a courage to splash water to my face. 

Of course, there are some situations where one method is not enough. For example, after washing face, it is still possible to fall asleep. So we need to know our limit. If it is really beyond us, then it is a time to sleep. The important thing is that we have tried our best. 

Reluctance in doing something good for ourselves

Somehow I don’t feel like writing. I know that it is very useful, especially after I started reading my own post from the beginning of this year. I also have a lot of things and ideas to write. But somehow it is not automatic to have the desire to write just for five minutes.

It reminds me that it is expected to be reluctant in doing something good for ourselves. So we need to fight for it, we need to learn to balance between being flexible and being consistent. This means that no matter how I am amazed with the power of doing good like having exercise or the pomodoro technique, it still requires a decision to do it. It does not become default.

This is important especially that we tend to forget about it when we are in the mood. Because when we are in the mood, things become automatic. For example, except for a long holiday, I usually have the automatic mindset to take a shower. It is so easy that I will forget it takes an effort to persuade myself to take a shower during holiday, especially for long holiday instead of weekend break.

As I begin this new week, the 39th of this year, let’s remember that I need to consciously decide to maintain the good habits.

Mistakes happen more than once, do not be surprised

Thank God for a day full of learning. In the morning I did not feel the mood for working. I was sleepy when reading the Bible. But after reaching office and pray, I was committed to do something focused for 25 minutes and then stop. It turns out to be enjoyable and I wanted more than 25 mins. This time I really stop at 25 mins, take a break for a while and then continue for another 25 mins. 

I was behind in learning color science and so I was committed to also spend 25 minutes for it. So when one of my meeting canceled, I did that and was satsified. 

After lunch I started to feel moody but tried to focus on one admin task. I found one solution to progress and then stuck for very long. I was frustrated and wanted to give up. Then I decided to commit another 25 mins to do the task I think is important to do today. 

In the midst of doing it, my colleague came and asked a question. It was quite fast but then I was tempted to bring another topic which lasted very long. This was when I felt puzzled why I made several mistakes a day. 

But I tried to focus and completed the task to send an e-mail in the limited time before leaving office. Thank God that I completed it despite I think my e-mail was not clear enough. 

I guess today is an example of a popular quote. It does not matter how many times we fail, the more important is to rise again everytime we fall. 

Taking deep breath and then do it

The past two days have been up and down. Monday evening was very challenging and then yesterday it was great as I only focused on one task. Today I started to handle multiple tasks and attended 2 meetings. It was tougher than yesterday.

There is one thing I have learned in the past one week. When I was afraid to do it, just like the customer survey, take a deep breath and then do it. This is to encourage myself that I can do it even though I could not see how it will turn out. Similarly, today I was shaky in terms of planning. I know I need to focus for one thing to progress. But it was tough remembering that there are many things to do. Thank God that I can still remember to just do it, set a countdown timer for 25 minutes and see how things go. It turns out that once I commit to finish for 25 mins, then I actually want to do more. The difference is that I need to equally remember that it is important to practice word-deed correlation for something small. Since I already said to take a short break, no matter how short it is like 30 sec, I need to do it. It was helpful to stop and then go again just like sometimes we need traffic light to be aware of surrounding instead of continuous highway.

Afterwards it was tough again as I have mixed things to do. One thing remains, to go back to focus again, do it, and be flexible. Accept the things that have happened and move on. At the same time, remember to review my own writings or my day and learn from it to improve better.

Wouldn't I foresee this coming?

I was telling my friend in office that I started to feel stressed again. He asked, wouldn't I foresee this coming?

One of the reasons I told him is that I have difficulty in thinking long term. In other words I have the tendency to say and to decide taking something based on my feeling at that point of time instead of thinking whether I can do it in the long run.

He asked further, does it mean that the pains in the past were not painful or not enough to encourage me to avoid it? That was a good question. Somehow it seems that although I have now the habit to write, I seldom review it. I have an excuse by saying that I do not think it help. But it is still the fact that I have not tried to have a regular time to review and to extract lessons for making decision in the future.

Another interesting point of view was on the discipline. I have the tendency to exceed either the time limit or the number of tasks to do. For example, I often already know that let's say I can only have four things to do in one day. So the suggestion was to really say no to the 5th thing. I was reluctant as that would mean I need to say no for the incoming tasks that are not planned. But again which one do I choose? To become stressed again or to maintain healthy life?

Preparing for Rainy Days

Rainy days, winter, darkness, all can remind us that there are seasons for everything. We cannot live as if the day will always be sunny and warm. At the same time, where those challenging weather and seasons come, we cannot lose hope as if they will not pass.

I just woke up after a long nap. And again I am amazed how things can change. I was so stressed this afternoon and now I feel fine, as if those things were just a dream. It is weird because I still remembered on how I thought things would stay gloomy for the rest of the day.

So I am writing this to remind me that there is always hope. At the same time, I also want to remember to prepare for rainy days. One of my tendency is to go full force when I feel enthusiastic, to tap for every opportunity, every ideas that come. In other word, I don’t prepare for buffer, I don’t prepare tools like umbrella for rainy days or to save food for winter, or to remember that the number of daylight is shorter and so we cannot assume that we still have the same number of hours every time.

This means to hold myself when I am fresh like now, to have realistic expectations that things will not always be like this. Read good books while I can, get things done what I can, prepare for the tools that will allow me to be patient. As a book said, we can only train for patience when things get frustrated. We need to seek God’s grace to be able to see opportunity for character growth in every challenges.

So let’s get up and do what we can. Remember that there will be an end of period like this, but it will also come again.

Is it possible to bounce back?

Last week was a challenging week. There are several times when I became stressed. It was hard to concentrate and I was often angry to myself. It’s as if the challenges in the earlier part of this year happened again. It is not that bad actually given that I am now armed with many good tools. At the same time, it’s hard to fight with the tendency to become stressed.

Yesterday I managed to be focus on what I wanted to do and it was quite good. This morning was also ok. But after I watched a movie, it is hard for me to go back to the working state. Instead, I started to browse through on football news. Which is fine in itself if it is not a form of run away from trying to focus and plan what to do next.

In this period of time, I need to remember that it is not necessary to follow what my feeling is. Just as easy I can fall into stress, it is also quite possible to go back to the focus state again. The key is to be courageous, to accept the fact that it is not easy, but it is attainable.

And when I can’t focus, the question is that what will make I focus again. Is becoming angry able to do that? If not, there is no need to be angry to myself. Keep finding other alternatives. Acknowledge the fact that I have difficulties in looking for long-term when it comes to implementation. Remember that it is okay to be an average person. We don’t have to be one of the best.

So is it possible to bounce back? Yes. Is it easy? No. It requires hard work and requires us to encourage our heart that it is okay to be ‘rejected’ in terms of failing into reaching our goal. We do not always get a success. But keep trying, leave the hope alive that it will be done when we keep trying to do it.

Continually switching mind on what to do next

Yesterday and today I can become stressed in just few hours. Yesterday evening was stressful, today was ok, but now I feel stressed again. And the surprising thing is that now is considered as a period with low load. But perhaps that is the very reason I get stressed. When things are very busy, I was forced to focus on the most urgent thing. This is unlike the case where there is no pressing thing. This is time where I need to make decision on what to do next. And that’s where I often fail. After getting a lot of help, at least now I know what to do next. But the problem is that I continually switch my mind on what to do. It’s as if I could not commit on doing the thing that I have decided to do. I still look back and side. I have not given all on the task, and then start considering whether I should do the other thing.

The good thing is that I can still focus sometimes. But the focus is also too long that I unconsciously blame myself, as if I will say that, look, when you focus, you end up spending too much time. Isn’t it better to be keep switching the mind so that we are not spending the time too long?

One possible way that may help is to reduce the number of things to do. But how can I do that when I am easily excited to sign up for additional work? The rate of the things that I sign up is more than the amount of things I can take.

And again, the issue is similar to the one mentioned in the counseling session, I want the change to happen fast and right now - this is something that backfires. For example, today I managed to say no to my impulsiveness three times, in the morning about the image enhancement algorithm, in the noon about the autism talk, and one more that I forget. The thing is that there are some successes. It’s just that I still fail. Isn’t normal? Given that I have been facing this issue not just in the past 8 years  but longer. So I need to reduce my expectation and remind myself that change doesn’t happen overnight. It is in this difficult time that I need to remember the small good habit such as this 5-minute writing habit.

Difficulty in Concentrating

Today is my first day going back to office after a 3-day-and-2-night holiday. Somehow I have not been able to focus yet. I think one of the reason is because I haven’t decided where I want to look to. Imagine that you have a camera and you want to focus, you can’t keep it focused if you keep moving the camera - unless it is a video camera. But for normal camera, you need to look at some place first before we are able to focus.

So, when I am back to office and look at the long to-do-list, I became waver again. I become shakened and distracted with the amount of possibilities that I want to do. Another thing is to let go. I have done the planning of the day and order the possible sequence of things to do. But somehow I do not feel like doing the first item on the list. So I need to make decision whether to stick to that list or create a new list. I need to understand that it is not realistic to keep switching my mind. At the end, we are just a human that is limited. Also, we need to lump in order to live. So there is no point of keep refining the resolution of the category before doing it. We can just choose and move on.

I am not sure whether I can do it. And in this kind of time, usually i buckle down. I need to remember the experience on how God has opened  me. For example, the motorbike lesson has given me the experience that as long as we keep practicing, the thing that we thought hopeless previously can come true. So I am not sure whether after this I can do it again. But keep note that when I fall, move back up again and continue again.

Bangkok

It's great that I finally get the chance to see Bangkok in person. I had great food and more importantly experience the cultural differences.

My wife and I ate at her favorite Thai restaurant which is Som Tam Nua. It was really nice and I got to try the menu that is less common in Singapore. The dessert called strawberry dome at neighboring shop was also interesting. We managed to eat bake cheese tart of which queue is very long in Singapore.

I was impressed by the taxi stand at the airport where we are given queue ticket indicating the Lane of our taxi, something that is more manual in Changi. But few hours later we found ourselves waiting for more than 1 hour at Siam Paragon due to inefficient taxi queuing system. The taxi drivers were picky but the mall officer only check the destinations of the first two passengers in the queue. So once the destination is not desirable, there will be empty cabs passing by as both the drivers and the mall officer did not check with the rest of the queue. At the same time, I learn not to generalize quickly as the officer at the EmQuartier was very good. He gives handwritten tickets so that he knows where all queue members want to go. Also, he asked us to go to the mall across the road once he saw our destination as the taxi drivers do not typically want to make U-turn in a jammed road.

We also managed to go to Chatuchak that is only open on weekend and Asiatique Riverfront market that is open only at night. Both are nice places to visit and shop.