I have the tendency to want to be a hero of others. I want to help people first without checking whether I have the capability to help. It is not wrong, but at the same time, I need to check why I want to do that. Perhaps the reason I do that is because of my pride. It feels good if I can look to be of help to others or to sacrifice of others, as if it increases my meaning of life. Sometimes to the point of helping others when they don’t need it.
One thing I observe is that it is a short cut of a true hero. A true hero overcomes fear. And the thing is that I now have so many fears, fear of making mistakes, fear of disappointing people, fear of the future, and fear of becoming myself without any mask. I need to protect myself against the overly critical expectations I have, the attacks of when I demoralize myself with so many accuses and criticism. I need the courage to continue doing one by one even when I don’t feel like doing it or even when I see no evidence of breakthrough. Sooner or later, I will have the uncomfortable feelings again and when that happens, I need to face it instead of running away from it.
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