It has been almost a week since the last time I wrote. It was a stressful week as I needed to present twice and created a poster. A lot of times, I said to myself that I cannot stand it. I cannot stand the feeling of not being able to think clearly. I cannot stand the imperfection I have, the low skills that I have that even finding pictures to make visual representation better is a daunting task for me.
But here I am, still alive and survive. I thought this week would be a horrible week. I thought I would perform so badly that I deserve if I lose my job. All the catastrophyizing thoughts that I created myself. One thing that I observe is that I tend to accept my limitations only when the deadline is coming. That is where I decided to let go and just face whatever consequences that are usually far from my worst case scenario.
So the thing that I need to practice is to remember that I can stand the frustration feelings. I need to remember that I can let go when external thing that I cannot change such as deadline imposed by others or something that cannot be postponed such as presentation. It is still quite far to wish that I can impose a self-created deadline and meet it. Somehow my mind has the habit knowing that there is not yet real consequences if I cross my own deadlines. Or perhaps my perfectionism ignores my own deadline. Or maybe I don’t like myself enough to respect the deadline that I have set.
In short, continue remembering that I can stand it. Not just when feeling frustrated but when feeling very attracted to something which leads of overdoing, to simple thing such as feeling very sleepy.
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