When the Game is On

I started to feel stressed again. Today is the first day of work after the Chinese New Year holiday. The holiday was good. Sometimes I felt stressed during the holiday. But this time I felt quite happy and think that I did a quite ok job during the holiday by getting things done not that much, but also see some progress.

So I didn’t expect or at least not providing enough space for the game to be on, a game where I can apply the things I have practiced on. To practice the breathing exercise, to practice the muscle relaxation, and most importantly to challenge the negative self talk or thoughts that I have.

One indication that the game is on is that there is a great tendency for me to judge whether I am doing things correctly or not, whether the sequence of doing things are in order, and whether things will happen according to the plan.

Some of the challenges include that there are new things popping up in my mind which are different in nature that what I am currently doing. Also, I made a start by writing more often on the activating event and the consequence. But it is hard to think about the underlying belief. There is somehow a tendency to skip it, there is reluctance in putting out into the words on what I really feel, let alone challenging it. For example, there is already a piece of paper to guide, but I don’t take it out.

The cycle starts where I feel not being able to do things. I feel to tired, and it is hard to analyze. But this is where I need to challenge my thoughts. At the moment, it seems that I am saying I cannot take this frustration. So the question would be why not? It has been going like this for quite a long time. Tomorrow will be ok if not immediately. Also, I am indirectly telling myself that if I cannot do it now, I will not be able to do it tomorrow as time is limited. The question is that where is the evidence that I could not do tomorrow? There are more evidence showing that although time was limited, impromptu efforts somehow could address much better than expected.

Also, does it help by judging myself a lot of times? We have discussed and acknowledged that by judging myself and worrying about the future, I make the pressure triple as the original pressure of completing the task itself.

Another thing that triggers my stress is the fact that I keep switching my mind for the thinking. I kept coming up with new ideas for analysis that it is difficult to stick to it. So end up the memory needed is much more. I have also listed the main things to be done in the evernote, but it is hard to stick to it. And perhaps there is nothing wrong as I was stuck and decided to use the simplest alternative to complete instead of following the priority.

So the challenge is to ask whether there is any need to be particular. Today is also the first day after work. Why not give to myself some more time to adapt back. Also, even the definition of the stuck needs to be re-asked.

So as I write this while my mind is fleeping sleepy, indirectly saying that it is fine to stop now and try again tomorrow. The main thing is to rise again every time I fall. Not so much in preventing to fall.