This question comes sooner than I expected as I have difficult emotion this evening. I felt anxious and holding anger at the same time. I do not how to describe but it feels heavy. I feel tired. I feel that I need to keep watching the way I behave, the way I talk, and the way I make decision.
This afternoon I needed to leave office early. So instead of doing an ideal analysis, I focused on the essential and sent key messages to my colleague before I left. My best friend in office had a different advice than my colleague. I wanted an easy way out of following any one of them. But my best friend in office reminded me that I need to have my own stand.
And I did. This afternoon I tried to have some kind of stand instead of following my colleague entirely. But I still feel the direction was largely my colleague’s. Which may be fine. But now I become too cautious. And when my best friend in office messaged me via whatsapp, I was very afraid to read his message as if I will be judged on the way I made decision. So I spent my dinner thinking what to say to him. I felt anger on why I need to justify to him but felt not right to be angry to him. Finally when I opened the whatsapp, I felt stupid. He just said good, as long as I know why I decide certain thing. I felt stupid of being so anxious. At the same time the whole strength collapse and I now feel very tired. I also felt ashamed of my self-centeredness, thinking about myself while there was other more real news such as the tsunami in Banten. I wanted to escape this feeling and indulge on other things such as reading football news excessively. Thank God that I remember to write on why I feel this way.
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