Shutdown Holiday 2018

I am tired that I don’t feel like writing. At the same time, I think it is a chance not to be missed to write on the last day of 4-day company shutdown holiday that I have this year. It is not possible to have the same thing as previous year as every moment is unique. At the same time, this is the first time of me and my wife spending time with our little one during this period.

On 26 Dec we went to Garden by the Bay to see the Flower Dome and the Christmas Wonderland with our little one. She looked excited seeing many flowers and people there. On 27 Dec I accompanied her for the 2nd dose of flu vaccination. On 28 Dec, I went with her for 9th-month developmental assessment in Polyclinic and then went for Music lesson trial at Gymboree. Afterwards, I had a nice lunch with my wife at Crystal Jade La Mian Xiao Long Bao while littleP continued seeing around the buzzling of Orchard. Today on 31st, we went to Go-Go Bambini and then had lunch at Marche at 313@Somerset.

My wife is amazing in terms of the continuity and stability in caring and loving LittleP. As for me, I still often fluctuate. But at least there are 3 learnings:

First, surviving mode is different than anxiety. When I was in surviving mode such as in 28 Dec, it was difficult to be anxious as there were too many things to handle. Basically there was no time to be anxious.

Second, I need my wife. I often take things for granted. I act as if I can do things independently while I actually can’t. I felt that very much on 28 Dec when I was alone in the morning with our little one. Two people don’t guarantee we can solve all problems. But together we are stronger.

Third, time flies. This evening our littleP looks so mature when she grabbed the handle in the hand rail inside MRT. Last year she was not born yet. But now she is with us, already able to crawl, and learning to stand. How fast the time flies. So be thankful and seize the moments

The first thing we do whenever we have failed

The article from Every Day With Jesus on 22 Nov 2018 that I read today taught me on the first thing we need to do whenever we have failed. That is to explore the reason for the failure.

It has been four days since the last time I wrote. Not only I failed to keep the habit to write, I have failed several other things. There were two nights where I indulged in reading football news and players’ biography. I also kept delaying important items. Recently I got another $30-rejected-GIRO admin fee just because I delayed paying manually until 22nd while the GIRO date was on the 23rd and it created some confusion.

Usually what I did first is to scold myself. I would say many shoulds. Those shoulds are not wrong. It is just that saying should does not help much. In fact it steals the energy to do the real hard works of dealing with the consequences and learning from the mistakes. One of the reason why I scolded myself instead of asking the reason of failure is that I am scared that I could not take it. The failure itself is already painful. How can I face it and identify what I can learn from it? When I am more honest to face my mistakes, I am afraid they will be too painful. When there were no mistakes but perhaps God is asking me to go to other direction, I am also afraid that I will be disappointed with God.

So I am not sure whether I can honestly face and identify the reason(s) of failure. But perhaps that is where faith comes, the faith in God who loves us so much that He is willing to come to the world in Jesus, that He is always be with us and is able to make us do things beyond our imagination.

25 December 2018

Today is the first time my wife and I celebrating Christmas at my church in Singapore at least in the last five years. In 2013, we went to Semarang and was only back in 25 December in the afternoon. We were in Taiwan in 2014, in Vietnam in 2015, in the US in 2016, and in Japan in 2017 during Christmas. The reason we stay in Singapore is that today is the day our child is baptised.

Thank God for today where things went well. Our little P managed to do what is needed before we go to church and had a quick nap before the baptism session. She did not cry during baptism and cheekily hold the Reverend’s hand who touched her head. The service itself was packed with people that even the empty choir songs facing the congregation was used. I was carelessly saying that I prefer to celebrate Christmas overseas than in Singapore. This is as if I can control life while the fact that I can join today’s session was God’s significant gift as I had a heat stroke two weeks ago.

From today’s baptism, I also learned several things. First, I learned to take a stance that child baptism is needed on the basis that it is the parents’ faith that the child is baptised. Second, I made several vows today: the acceptance of the belief and meaning of baptism, the commitment to teach our child in God’s way, and the commitment to be a right example for the child in both spiritual and daily life.

It is also a good day where I could take a two-hour nap thanks to my wife taking care of our child that our child could also sleep for one hour. My wife also spent time to cook special Christmas steak dinner that I enjoyed. May God help me not to take things for granted and be thankful of His gift of family and precious time.

Sharing on the Christmas Eve 2018

I imagining what to say if there is a sharing session in the Christmas Eve today. There will be at least three things I will share: thankfulness of the good memories this year, apologies for the mistakes, and the burden I have.

First, I would thank my family for the good memories of this year of 2018. There are so many wonderful memories. Very early this year my wife surprised me with a birthday celebration in office. Then we had renovation that finished before the arrival of my baby. I was thankful for the lunch in Crystal Jade Xiao Long Bao at Holland Village one day before the arrival of our baby. I am thankful for my wife who courageously struggled to deliver from the morning till evening on 8 March with 2 dosage of epidural and still endured the pain. I was thankful for the chance to move in on 10 March together with my wife and baby. I was thankful for the chance to go to Luang Prabang with my wife. Also, we had good trips to Jakarta in September and two weeks ago at Bandung.

Second, I am sorry for my mistakes. I gave the wrong birthday present of hand lotions to my wife who doesn’t use hand lotions. I exploded on 10 March because of m resistance to formula milk. I was depressed from end of March till end of July. I ignored my wife especially on September and October. I almost moved on 9 Dec. I exploded on 12 Dec and 14 Dec. And even this evening I had difficult emotions.

Third, I want to share my worries, my burden, and my fears. I have got back up from the negativity at end of July. I was so high that I was confident on many things. Yet it was during that period that 15 October happened, the day when I hit the wall. I tried to recover but then I struggled. I wanted to go to the extreme that I used extreme words such as jerk and said to many people that I wanted to be a jerk just so that others’ expectations on me are lowered. Then 9 December came and then I wanted to have a perfect 2nd life. And since then I felt tired and the need to be cautious is there as I am scared of hurting people especially those whom I love. I am tired of the needs to keep changing and improving. I just want to be accepted the way I am. Perhaps that is the good news of this Christmas. In a world where no one is able to accept us the way we are, God loves us so much that He came down as a baby in Jesus and accept us the way we are.

What makes me feel this way?

This question comes sooner than I expected as I have difficult emotion this evening. I felt anxious and holding anger at the same time. I do not how to describe but it feels heavy. I feel tired. I feel that I need to keep watching the way I behave, the way I talk, and the way I make decision.

This afternoon I needed to leave office early. So instead of doing an ideal analysis, I focused on the essential and sent key messages to my colleague before I left. My best friend in office had a different advice than my colleague. I wanted an easy way out of following any one of them. But my best friend in office reminded me that I need to have my own stand.

And I did. This afternoon I tried to have some kind of stand instead of following my colleague entirely. But I still feel the direction was largely my colleague’s. Which may be fine. But now I become too cautious. And when my best friend in office messaged me via whatsapp, I was very afraid to read his message as if I will be judged on the way I made decision. So I spent my dinner thinking what to say to him. I felt anger on why I need to justify to him but felt not right to be angry to him. Finally when I opened the whatsapp, I felt stupid. He just said good, as long as I know why I decide certain thing. I felt stupid of being so anxious. At the same time the whole strength collapse and I now feel very tired. I also felt ashamed of my self-centeredness, thinking about myself while there was other more real news such as the tsunami in Banten. I wanted to escape this feeling and indulge on other things such as reading football news excessively. Thank God that I remember to write on why I feel this way.

The Habit of Thinking

I have just had a lunch with my best friend in office. He reminded me the importance of thinking. The reason is that I often think binary, either this or that. Either I follow all of what others say or I do not follow at all. Why I want to do something, I usually opt the easier way of because someone told me to do so. I have not reached the deeper level of why else I want to do it. Or if it is entirely up to me or I am alone, why do I want to do it. 

Both my strength and weakness is that I often do things based on habit. In those situations, I do not think. For example, I used to wear double clothing when I run as it is in the evening or it is in the gym. But when I run in the morning under the hot sun, I still wear double clothing just because that is what I wear when running. In other words, my habit comes first, then perhaps some external factors, and last is my self-awareness. 

Instead of treating it just as a weakness, I can also treat it as a strength. In specific, how can I have a habit of thinking what is the reason I do something if it is entirely up to me. Perhaps once it becomes a habit, it will be easier for me to do it and in overcoming the tendency not to think and just do. It is often either I think too much or just do it without thinking. How can I incorporate a habit thinking so that I do not overthink and still putting some thoughts at the same time. 

A good example is the set of questions that help me to filter whether I want to share. The three questions are: “does this need to be shared?”, “does this need to be shared now?”, does this need to be shared by me?” In other word, it is questioning “why does this need to be shared by me now?”. So the habit of thinking that I want to develop is “why do I do this?”, “why do I feel this”, “why do I think this?”?

To start with, I can ask myself, why this and not that? Since I am good at binary thinking, I can start with asking why now and not later? Or why later and not do it now? Then it can vary such as why blue, not green, and red? So it is not necessary the negation of something as the alternative. Later on, it can develop to more open-ended question. 

The more important is the goal which is to help me to be self-aware of my feelings and actions instead of just following my emotions. 

What have I already been doing well?

There are at least three things that I have been doing well

1-Identifying possible problems
Since long time ago, I have the abilities to understand what my problems. For example, I know that my greatest desire seems to be the acceptance of all people. As a result, I only work on things that I get praises from and I get upset when I don’t get the praises or I get critics instead.

Now, I have also identified three problems. First, when I am depressed I am very harsh to myself. Second, when I am angry, I could not control my emotion and demands to others. Third, my behaviours keep changing as I act based on my feelings which are not consistent

2-Discovering potential strategies to address the problems
With the help of family, counsellor, and friends, I have discovered three types of strategies. First is to monitor my feelings, to be aware of my feelings. I can use speedometer to be aware of my feeling and then write for 5 mins to be aware of my thoughts. Second is to postpone doing things purely based on feelings. In other word, test my intention with test of time. Third is to set up clear goals and prioritise  the goals

3-Ability to step back and get back up
Discovering the strategies does not help much if I don’t apply. Usually it is hard for me to apply when I am emotional. But there are times where I can step back, look at the situations, acknowledge my feelings, and apply the right tools to address the situations.

The Principles of Sabbath

Sabbath has been taught to me since young as it is the fourth of the Ten Commandments. But applying it is really difficult. It is not easy to take a break one day in each week. I am now reading the book on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. I encounter again the topic on Sabbath. He gave four principles of Sabbath: Stop, Rest, Delight, and Contemplate.

First, Stop. We need to stop doing our work. Usually there is always another thing to do before we can do. On Sabbath we embrace our limits. We acknowledge that God is God and that the world continues working fine even when we stop. God commands us to relax and to enjoy the fact that we are not in charge of this world, that even when we die, the world will continue nicely without us. Every Sabbath reminds us to be still and know that God is God and there is no need to worry about tomorrow. It reminds us to trust God and surrender all.

Second, Rest. To be tangible, I chose three things to rest from. One is to stop sharing.  No matter how inspiring, postpone the sharing. Read for myself, not for sharing to others or looking good before others. Second is to stop multitasking. Enjoy the gift of life. It is ok to eat without doing something else. Enjoy every chew of it. Third, stop social media except whatsapp. Remember that it is possible to live without social media. At least I have the chance to do that for the 1st 20 years of my life. So no need t check facebook, linkedin, wechat, line, instagram. For whatsapp I can give exception since it is now the main way of communication for people who need to reach me. But try to send fewer messages. Aim to reply and not initiate conversation for now.

Third, Delight. We are called by God to enjoy and delight in creation. I can use Sabbath to learn to delight in people whom God has put around me. I can also use it for healthy play. As for me, the one that I am now practicing is to take afternoon nap on Sunday and to play with my daughter.

Fourth, Contemplate. As mentioned in the book by Peter Scazzero, the focus of Sabbath remains on pondering the love of God. So keep the habit of reading Bible and praying to God on Sunday. We will need to prepare in advance for this. I have seen that it is during weekend that I often skip praying. This is because it requires planning as weekends are mostly occupied by playing with Jaen, going out with Feliz and taking afternoon naps. Also, this means that I need to sleep earlier on Saturday so that I can be more fresh during the sermon on Sunday. Also, learn to give thanks to God as a family, not just as an individual.

Remember to be flexible in adjusting to these four principles. Experiment and make plan. Remember that God actually gives 1 day every week to rest, total of 52 days. It is not easy, but I need it.

Busybody

I am continually reminded by few people on my tendency to be busybody while neglecting my own responsibilities. Somehow I like dwelling in my illusion of helping others. Or at least my excitement overcome my rational whether it is needed or not.

First, I like to share any contents that I am excited about. I share in the expenses of two things: one is my own time as it reduces the time of doing my own work. Secondly, I spammed other people and I don’t care whether they like it by assuming they have the responsibilities to tell me if they do not like receiving my messages.

Second, I help people while they may not feel being helped. For example, I was supposed to join other team due to business needs although at the end I managed to stick to what I currently do and like to do. At the end the position will be open for new hire. I then took the responsibilities to ask around. Until my colleague said he is not comfortable because it will affect him. What if the person I shared to is then hired but not really competent. Isn’t it bringing bad to those who work with the new hire? So the best is to let the relevant people handle and help only when being asked.

Perhaps I ask what is wrong with trying to help others? As mentioned, it can be my illusion of helping people when the people I try to help does not need it or worse they may experience negative things by me helping them. So be careful when I feel helping people whether it is indeed helping people or in fact just satisfy my self-centeredness and in actual it is harmful for both others and myself.

Let me remind again what has happened from early August to now 1st of December. It is true that I feel happier than April to July this year. But the thing is that happier may not be a good thing. This is because too happy can cause over confident and it may result of me neglecting important matters. Let’s list down the negative impact so far I have seen in the past few months.

In terms of money, I lost a lot of money. First, I was late for paying credit card several times. As it is not my first time, the late payment fee and interest charge cannot be waived. Second, I did not realize that I have been paying over $200 dollar of data roaming charge due to my travel to Indonesia 4-9 Sep and to Bangkok 30 Sep-11 Oct. My bill is between 7th of the month to the following month. So I actually can see the data roaming charge on September bill for the charge happening for 4-6 Sep. But I did not do that. Because I paid by GIRO I did not check my bill. So I let go the chance to waive the data roaming charge incurred in Indonesia. Worse, this cause me unprepared to go to Thailand which is longer duration. But again when the bill was released on 7 Oct, I did not pay attention. I only realized on my November bill and at the end only managed to get the waiver for the charge happening between 7 to 11 Oct. What a waste.

In terms of relationship, my relationship with my wife and my best friend in office was in tense as I was too busy to take up new commitment, to share things on social media, and to talk with many people. My relationship with my manager was not that great too. I also argued with few other friends. In addition, my relationship with God is also lagging behind. I am not still on the devotion dated 7 Nov (more than 3 weeks lagging behind). As far as I can remember, this does not happen when I was depressed. Of course there is a good side of me during these periods like helping few other struggling friends. But I think if I am more careful, I can get the positive side of this period with excited feeling without causing harmful effects on the other hand.

In terms of work, yes, I can think clearly and make contributions. At the same time, from Aug to Nov was my first time having 500 unread e-mails which last for weeks and even until now. It was my first time too having more than 5 unsent minutes of meeting that was dated as far as August this year. I am also still struggling to send out the minutes until now. But yet, instead of sitting down and focus in wrapping up and sending them out, I was busybody on other things again.

In terms of reflection, my frequency of writing this blog can tell something as well. When I was depressed from April to July, the number I wrote was 2, 7, 4, 9 which make 22 articles in total. When I was high from August to September, the number of times I wrote was 6, 5, 8, 1, which make 20 articles in total. What a contrast given that the number of ideas I have from August to September was enormous. Again, what a waste.

In short, I was depressed for 4 months from Apr to July. Then I was too high that I became busybody for 4 months from Aug to Nov. The question is what am I going to bring or to strive for at least the next 4 months from Dec 2018 to March 2019?