Do I really want to solve problems?

If yes, then change approach. Hating myself does not work. Scolding myself does not get me anywhere.

Today is challenging again. In the morning I needed to decide whether I take a childcare leave as my daughter has flu for the first time. Somehow all the options are not good for me. So it took me 3 hours to decide. And then after that I still think it was not good enough. I tried to run away by sleeping for 15 mins but it did not help. The negative emotion is still there and so I become even angrier.

But getting angry does not get me anywhere. It is tiring for both myself and for my wife, even more for her.

So let me ask myself again? Do I want to recover? If yes, move on instead of hating ir scolding myself. If not, ask again, am I aware of the consequence? Am I deceived by the immediate gratification and unable to see the long-term damage?

So let’s find ways to solve my problems, one of which is low confidence, and not by being angry to myself.

Practising problem solving

Two days ago I re-committed to learn to solve problems. Today the problems start to come and I feel overwhelmed.

First, it started well. I managed to wake up before the alarm and directly went to take a shower. I also managed to leave home on time and reach the polyclinic on time. Then the problem came, I remembered my appointment date wrongly. It is supposed to be next week. So I went to office.

It started to be challenging and I started to do one of the to-do list. Then a decision was to be made and I became shaky. I also was too absorbed of myself during lunch including the sleepiness. I could feel the stoning was coming. It became better but the feeling was there.

I wanted to decide about tomorrow’s meeting at 3 pm. But it did not happen. I promised to leave office at 5.40 pm but ended up leaving at 6.30 pm using the last shuttle bus because I stoned again. After that I regretted both the decision of not going back early and not canceling the meeting.

I became angry and disappointed of myself. Here is the real problem to solve. On which one I follow, my emotion or the truth. Which one do I focus, my failures or what I can do? Remember the truths, keep fighting.

Which one do I want to follow?

Problems are everywhere. Today it is very tempting to say that it is a bad day. But actually it is not. So which one do I want to follow? My emotion or the truth and facts?

I woke up 2 hours late again. But unlike yesterday, I could change my perspective and focus on what next to do. So I felt good. I also did not try to copy others exactly in taking care of my daughter. So I felt more at ease. I also learned to carry her bette today and helped when needed instead of following my ego to be the main player. I told myself that at times being a reserved player is also an important role to play and there is a lot of practice to do. I also was calm when my daughter vomitted the milk. So morning was good in overall.

Afternoon starts getting tougher. I don’t like problems or don’t like to express my disagreement. I also had high ego. So when I saw many high confidence, I either flee or hate it. Despite that, thanks to my wife, I overcome the temptation to procrastinate in assembling the wooden stand. I also did jogging again and today I explored to new routes. Dinner was so delicious again, nasi kuning with empal, and tempe bacem, my favorite.

Then as evening goes, I observe several problems not related to me but made me uncomfortable. Then I also have simple problem to decide to. Despite the progress of writing to do list on whiteboard, I started getting angry of the things I don’t have time to do today as planned.

So now I am angry again. I also start jumping to conclusion by thinking tomorrow will be hopeless if I am like this now. I already said yesterday that most probably today I will struggle. I actually do better than expected. But I wanted more as usual.

The question now is which one to follow? Do I want to follow my emotions and enter the vicious cycle of anger and stoning and self-sabotaging? Or do I want to follow the truth? That yes I failed again, but there are things that I can do and those are much better than self-criticizing and parallelyizing myself. By God’s grace, I want to follow the truth and do what is right and not my emotions.

What a wonderful day!

I am very happy that I can write something positive. In the past 2 months things have been stressful. There are couple of days where overall it was good but I did not capture it. So here I am capturing that at least today is a wonderful day for three things.

First, it started badly but ended well. I woke up at 5.30 am wanting to do an exercise or to do few admins for work such as sending out last week meeting minutes and sending today’s out of office notification. But I decided to sleep over till 6 am, then went on to 6.30 am, 7 am, and finally at 7.30 am - two hours of procrastinating. For those admins, I decided to do at 8.15 am but struggled badly. By God’s grace, I managed to complete them at 9.30 am, just in time to prepare for leaving for my medical appointment. So it started badly. But now I feel very positive. It is amazing to see on how such a bad day could end into a nice one.

Second, which is the most crucial of the day is the conversation I had with my wife. She talked through the bad habits and thoughts I have. I really need a scolding from someone who loves me and scold with a reason and not with bad words like how I usually self-sabotage myself. My wife reminded me on how I will most probably still feel negative emotions even when I quit. If I don’t work, I will still feel miserable. If I change work, I will also be anxious. So why not giving best to correct the mistakes I have made. When there is problem, find the solutions, solve them, amend the mistakes.

Third, there are many small things to be thankful of. My wife accompanying me for my medical appointment, our Japanese Iberico lunch followed by the cafe time. The mission accomplished at the Takashimaya baby fair. The evening run at my own pace. The delicious Soto Betawi. The time to cut my nails. The time talking about Luang Prabang with my wife. And now writing this notes and captured that today is a wonderful day.

Of course the scary part is that in this kind of day, I usually will set high expectations on the following day such as that tomorrow I will still be positive while most probably I have to restart from the beginning again where the chance of having negative emotions is pretty real. So let’s remind myself that today I need to struggle again, not the unnecessary struggle, but to fight for happiness through trust in God and obey His guidance deep down in my heart.

Bouncing back cannot be just once

Last night I was motivated. And today I self-sabotage myself again. I woke up later than I wanted, prepared longer than I wanted before going to church. Afterwards, I kept delaying things to do, until now. During afternoon nap, I struggled. And after dinner it was a struggle too.

This shows that bouncing back cannot be just once. Two reasons at least. If it is just once, the pressure of not falling again is too high. And if it is just once, maybe it is not really bouncing back as after all, a ball can bounce many times.

I have many fears that I struggle with. Fear of failure; fear of looking bad in front of people; fear of imperfection; fear of being not good enough; fear of conflict; fear of being rejected; fear of uncertainty; fear of pain; fear of helplessness.

So I need to be patient. One fear is already difficult enough; let alone multiple fears. Also, let’s remember to think what one small thing can I change or can I do under the present reality? When I say I cannot stand the current problem, let’s dispute back and remind us that I can stand it and it is not awful.

5 minutes a day

It has been more than a month since I wanted to restart the good habits including this writing of 5 minutes a day. But it was difficult to just stop for a while and write for 5 minutes a complete imperfect writing.

There were few days where I could write. But I did not have the grit to finish the cycle by posting it as if I wanted to edit again - which did not happen.

There are more and more things that I delay to do or to decide resulting in more undesirable things. I wanted things to change immediately. But I can’t. Then I gave up, or at least I do not have the energy to continue. It is like I already lost before trying.

Recently the word discipline comes out again. Be it the discipline to send out an imperfect task or reply. Or the discipline to only think those that are worthy to things and not feeding my mind with negative thoughts that focus more and more on myself instead of being aware of the surroundings. Or the discipline to exercise at least 10 mins a day. Or perhaps a run or pilates several times a week instead of just once a week.

One thing that I think is doable is this writin of 5 minutes a day. So let’s start again. And remember, to materialize it, do not wait until the last minute like now which is end of the day. Find opportunity to write as early as possible. Do not let the minds to be idle. Rest when needed, but not stoning. Wrap things up on the current task before starting or continuing something else. Know my limits. Be honest.

Focusing on what I can do

Written on 21 May 2018

There are too many things I cannot do. I don’t like that. As I progress more in each day, I found more things that I cannot do. Some of the things are not new, some are the things I was used to be able to do. As a result, I become angry to myself.

By this time, I already know that being angry to myself does not work. Even when I am not angry, thinking alone about the things I cannot do will not make me suddenly be able to do.

So let’s focus on what I can do. Apparently there are many things I can do that I ignored when I focused on what I cannot do. Those things may not be hard. It is just that I focused too much on my inability that I no longer have the energy to do what I can.

It is good if I can find how to do differently. At the same time, it is one of my struggles to change the way I do. So I may enter stoning phase again if I focus on how to do things differently. It is still important. But let’s focus on what I can do. Two examples, one at home, one at office. At home, I am not good at carrying my baby or calming her. But I can help in preparing the milk. At office, I cannot deliver as much as others. But I can give my best and do the things I can. It may be very small such as cleaning my table. Or starting again to scribble some mind map or writing an encouragement to myself like this.