I am very disappointed with myself. Yesterday morning while still inside the plane, I could write a nice reflection on the holiday. But things change very fast. I was angry to myself because I was angry when receiving feedback. Then afterwards, I was angry because I slept almost the whole day and still could not send the review paper due last month. I hate myself. Then today I presented myself very badly as I became aggressive in the morning, almost not going to office, then put a very moody to the point that I need to humble myself to read this non-Christian article from my intern who is trying to encourage me.
It is as if I just lost everything, I lost myself, I lost my motivation, I lost my cofidence. In short, several defeats in 24 hours were catastrophic.
It is only by God’s grace, that in the midst of my shame that I do not become His witness, I was still given the strength to realize that it is better to face the fear itself than living in fear.
I acted as if I would be losing every single day from yesterday and today because I could not accept why I become like this, after holiday that was in general smooth and with good reflections. I could not accept the defeats.
Well, as the rational emotive behavior therapy asked how would this help me, I can not answer that yesterday. And it is still difficult for me now. I know it is not helping but I can’t help but beating myself. I hate myself.
But in the midst of this hating myself, and how supportive my wife and my colleagues are, there is this still motivation saying try again. I am not sure whether tomorrow is a defeat or success, which by the way does not really matter in reality. What I need to embrace is that I can still get up after these defeats, somehow, just like now I can write for 8 minutes.
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