Stop Self-Beating

It has been a week since I am down. It is not yet better. One of the reasons is that I am anxious about being anxious, hate myself because I disappoint myself, and stressed because I am stressed.

The original stress is already challenging and able to make us paralyzed. And yet, my respond is to be angry to myself for having the original stress.

So, let’s remind myself that yes, being stressed of something is bad. But scolding myself for it is not helpful. On the opposite, it absorbs a lot of energy that makes me difficult to handle the original stress. Even if I am stressed again, stop self-beating myself and stop being stressed about stress. Instead, acknowledge that I feel stressed and that it is not dangerous and so I can concentrate on the efforts to make things better.

Tomorrow I am not sure whether I can get better. Most probably not. But one thing I can control is whether I want to let my feeling be dependent on it. So, even if I cannot concentrate again tomorrow, let’s remember that self-beating is not going to help anything. It will make things worse on the contrary.

It is not going to be easy in self-disputing myself, to challenge my tendency. But as long as there is a chance, let’s get back up and try again.

No Feasible Solution

A possible main cause of my stress is that there is a cycle for no feasible solution. That is because I want to find a perfect alternative which does not exist in this reality.

In each situation, as simple as choosing clothes, what to eat, to more serious things such as which work to do and how to do it, I want to find the perfect alternative. To me, the best alternative is equal to the perfect alternative. While in reality, best is at least not perfect, if not very far from perfect option.

Let’s look at three examples. First was last night when I was energetic after running. I managed to choose one thing to do and remember to take a break. It exceeded the total time I estimated but in general I think it is ok. Was it perfect? No, but I got things done.

Second is today where I started to feel uncomfortable again. If the best alternative is to always have clear mind, then there is no feasible solution. At the same time, is there really not a thing that I can do when I have negative feelings? Just like raining or even hot sun, we are limited on the choice of activity. So instead of focusing on what we cannot do, look at the things that we can do. Look at things that can still be done when feeling down. If cannot, then look at other option instead of wishing we can change the feeling directly.

Third, look at the way I assess at the big picture. The perfect for two days is of course two days with good feeling. So what do I think of yesterday getting a thing done and some rests. Is it a feasible or good enough situation? Or is it not feasible because the threshold is so high which is the perfectness? Now about self-rating, do I also expect the perfect option, which is to change immediately? If cannot, that means I cannot change. Or can I accept a range in between. Also, expect that it is not a simple thing such as if I can accept myself, then the problem is done. Another problem will come such as how to handle the low frustartion level. Because even if I can accept myself with imperfectness, it does not mean the feeling will go away. I also need to accept that I don’t like something less perfect and that it will still hurt as I continue living.

So again, watch out for the zero-one thinking: either I change now or I cannot change at all. Which both are not feasible solutions. Generate other alternative and lower the thresholds.

Failure is envitable

Until now, I still have difficulty in embracing failure. And the more I avoid it, the more I have. 

Sometimes I go to the other extreme, saying it's ok to fail when I still by nature don't like failure. A more balanced view is perhaps to see what does it take to avoid failure. Often, the best way, not the perfect way, is to fail often, hopefully fast, and to get back up again. 

Another is to accept the fact of life. For example, I don't like to fail in pleasing people. But in life, there are some people whom we cannot please no matter what we do, just like oil and water. Most of the time, I unconsciously assume other people have no full control that I can still influence their decision, forgetting that, they have their opinion and may not be easily influenced. 

Thinking More by Thinking Less Complex

I hate it when there is a suggestion that I need to give it a thought first or to think first before proposing something or communicating a question or a response.

Three possible reasons: First, I have a negative perception on thinking more. I think that I think too much, a lot. And in most cases, it generates negative outputs such as worries rather than actionable items. Second, my definition of thinking more seems to be thinking in a more complex way. Third, I will then struggle with the question of thinking more until what point as my perfectionism tend to grow stronger.

But again, I cannot change others. Even for myself, now I doubt I can change myself with my own strength. It is only by God’s grace that there is still a hope that I would grow day by day. So, I guess what can be done is extracting the essence of that suggestion and apply it according to my style.

Three possible path forwards: First, generate three main ideas like what I am doing now, at least it helps in an exercise of what can be the top 3 messages to deliver. Second, change the definition of thinking more to be thinking more clearly or thinking with more methods/frameworks. For example, today I met another of my colleague who suggested the use of bucketing system where I allocate my worries into different buckets and lock accordingly until I want to encounter them. This is to focus the thoughts instead of allowing the request of others or myself to distract by drawing too much energy. Third, practice more of thinking in a small chunk just like how this blog helps me to practice thinking in  a bite size manner.

Therefore, as I am still, naturally, in an up and down condition, let’s learn to think more in the simplified ways that focus on something doable than a wishful thinking such as turning back the time.

Accepting Big Defeats

I am very disappointed with myself. Yesterday morning while still inside the plane, I could write a nice reflection on the holiday. But things change very fast. I was angry to myself because I was angry when receiving feedback. Then afterwards, I was angry because I slept almost the whole day and still could not send the review paper due last month. I hate myself. Then today I presented myself very badly as I became aggressive in the morning, almost not going to office, then put a very moody to the point that I need to humble myself to read this non-Christian article from my intern who is trying to encourage me.

It is as if I just lost everything, I lost myself, I lost my motivation, I lost my cofidence. In short, several defeats in 24 hours were catastrophic.

It is only by God’s grace, that in the midst of my shame that I do not become His witness, I was still given the strength to realize that it is better to face the fear itself than living in fear.

I acted as if I would be losing every single day from yesterday and today because I could not accept why I become like this, after holiday that was in general smooth and with good reflections. I could not accept the defeats.

Well, as the rational emotive behavior therapy asked how would this help me, I can not answer that yesterday. And it is still difficult for me now. I know it is not helping but I can’t help but beating myself. I hate myself.

But in the midst of this hating myself, and how supportive my wife and my colleagues are, there is this still motivation saying try again. I am not sure whether tomorrow is a defeat or success, which by the way does not really matter in reality. What I need to embrace is that I can still get up after these defeats, somehow, just like now I can write for 8 minutes.

Lessons from this June 2017 Holiday

Written on 19 June 2017

This June 2017 is over and there are three things I learnt from it: to live in the present, to simplify things, and to accept and adapt with the season.

As I wrote before, this holiday reminds me on the importance of living in the present. This is especially as I made mistakes which then created a vicious cycle of regret and worried of the future. As I failed to prioritize, I did not plan for the main attractions of each city. The only ticket I bought before was only Alhambra in Granada. The rest of attractions in Milan, Florence, Pisa, San Gimignano, Siena, Rome, Seville, Cordoba, Granada, and Barcelona are not planned ahead on which ones to be visited and whether they require bookings of tickets. So I missed some of the popular attractions I thought I should visit and worried for last minute efforts in buying tickets for each of the next cities' attractions. In addition, I did not manage to submit a review that was due on 26 May until now that throughout the holiday there is a regret and distraction for doing that reviewing of other people's paper. I am very thankful to my wife who showed by example to live in each of the days doing things that can still be done and letting go things that can no longer be changed.

Secondly, I continued to learn to simplify things, something that I find it hard as I want to do or to include so many things, even as I write this post. The tendencies to visit all things are still there. In Milan, I made the two of us walking very far just because I wanted to tick more things. In Florence, I worried to much because of the complexities I imagined in going to Cinque Terre or San Gimignano, and Siena. It made me going to the other extreme where I only wanted to stay in Florence. Thanks to my wife, I had the courage to simplify the plan and play by the ear. For example, we chose San Gimignano over Cinque Terre simply because of the train schedule and price. Also, we only decided to go to Siena after seeing San Gimignano and the bus availability. Also, in Spain, I reduced the targets and just visited two or maximum of three places in a day. Also for the place to eat, I learnt to follow my wife seeing what is nice around us instead of following the rating in google map.

Third is to accept and adapt with the season accordingly. In Sevilla and Cordoba, the weathers were very hot and could reach 40 degree Celsius. So we tried to walk less. We walked more in Granada but still returned to hotel earlier. The weather in Barcelona is much nicer and so we went around till it's dark at 9 plus as they have longer daylight. One thing I learn is to accept the weather and do what is suitable instead of denying it. Of course we still hope for better weather as it fluctuates. But even if it does not change, it's ok. Similarly, in this holiday, I am more moody and anxious. It is not a good thing. At the same time, there are still positive sides of it such as becoming less distracted of whatsapp messages as I don't feel like reading or replying to them especially those long conversations in whatsapp group. I also slept on time instead of trying to do more or plan more which happen when I am very energetic.

It has been more than 30 minutes since I wrote this - instead of the 5 to 10 mins target. It is okay to sometimes break the rule. At the same time it is good to stop here and learn that it is okay not to capture all my thoughts and lessons learnt.

Queen of Walking

Written on 18 June 2017

I watched a Korean movie in the plane titled Queen of Walking. It is about a girl who has severe motion sickness whenever she takes a ride regardless of its mode whether it's a bus, car, motorcycle, or boat. The teacher then asked her to join race walk sports under track and field. What attracted me was the part of the trailer saying that it's ok to be slow and to walk on our own path.

There are three things I learned from the movie.

First, we need to focus. She joined track and field because she thought it's easier than study. We need to keep practicing and persevere by giving it all and taking things seriously.

Second, we need to know when to stop. In the midst of the rigorous training, the characters had injury. It is very hard for them to let go of the competition. But at the end, they accepted their limit and stop.

Third, having passions and dreams are not necessarily to be equal to wild dreams and being competitive. One of the teachers was always encouraging the students to be the best on something. If the students are not good in studies, they are directed to music or sports and encouraged to be the best in that field. If the students excel in their academics, they are directed to wanting to become a president. It is good to be encouraging but at the same time need to know the limit. At the end of the movies, none of the characters become very "special" to the standard of many. One becomes the doctor of the athlete. One becomes ordinary civil servant. There is one that becomes the best but the best in providing cleaning services, not something that we usually call dream.

I hope it can remind me that it is ok to be an ordinary person and it is ok even if I cannot be the best on something.

Untie myself from my performance

Written on 13 June 2017

The visits to Seville and Cordoba ended up as fruitful ones. In Cordoba, we decided correctly to go on Sunday instead of Monday as the Alcazar in Cordoba closed on Monday. We managed to go to the Alcazar first which closed earlier and then to the Mezquita Cathedral. Although we didn't have booked tickets, the queues were bearable. 

Similarly, yesterday we went to the Cathedral of Seville and managed to queue. After that we went to the Royal Alcazar of Seville which was booked last Saturday. By God's grace, there were nuns stopped by there by taxi that we can use it to go to Plaza de España.

In short, it was fruitful and so I was happy. Somehow it reminds me again on how attached I am to my performance which I often associate as my results. 

I was happy. At the same time, it kinds of reinforces the concept of I can only be happy if the results are good. Once I step into period of unfruitfulness like in the evening, I started to feel bad or sad, especially as I have not finished my review paper. 

So the question is how to untie myself from my performance?

How to remind myself that when I get good results, it does not mean I am good or great. On the other hand, when I made mistakes, it does not mean I am bad. Yes, I made bad actions but it does not necessarily mean that I am bad.

It is to invite God to change me, not because I am good or bad. But because of how long and wide His love, how high and deep of His love is for us, that He still loves me and is able to change me, be it immediately or through a long process.

Living in the Present

This holiday reminds me how difficult it is for me to live in the present. I dwelled too much and condemned my past while I worry for the future that I cannot control. Therefore, I lost the energy to live in the present and to make decisions needed today.

Unlike last holiday, there are many things that I regret during this holiday. Somehow I can let go better of my mistakes in last December holiday while I keep condemning on what I didn't do for this holiday. It may be true that this holiday is one of the most unprepared ones where I didn't spend enough time to do research on what tickets to buy in advance to skip the lines. Because of that, we missed going inside and the top of Florence cathedral, Pisa tower, Vatican Basilica, and Rome Collosseum. But is there any good by condemning myself on things that I cannot change?

Likewise, I had a paper to help review of which deadline is 26 May. I requested to extend till 2 June, the day when I left Singapore. But until now I struggled to wrap it up because of my inferiority complex that I think I haven't understood enough and haven't had good enough reviews to send out.

At the same time, I worry too much on the future. Last night I was deciding whether to go to Cordoba today or Monday. I also needed to decide on the timing to go to the Seville Palace. It was so hard to decide as I was overwhelmed by the risk of each option and I could not accept them at all. It was thanks to my wife to bear with me and calmed me down to finally make a decision. 

I am not sure whether I can pick up myself - that is another future that I may worry to much. What I need to remember is to live the present.

Yes, past and future are important. But focus on the learnings on the past that are useful to live the present and not the regrets and things that I can no longer change. Also, focus on what I can do now for the future instead of trying to predict the future too much and removing the risks for each option.

Our 3rd Wedding Anniversary

It has been 3 years since our wedding on 7 June 2014. Last year we celebrated in Salzburg & Vienna while this year we had the chance to have it in Florence, San Gimignano, and Siena.

To my wife, thank you for being with me, for accepting who I am while encouraging me to be better everday.

As you said today, practice makes perfect. I admire your desire to practice making video, something that you just pick up for our trip this time.

May it reminds me to practice too. Both for our marriage such as finding gifts or deciding itinerary or house viewing and for myself in expressing my thoughts (today is my first post this month) and in getting up from my failures. 

The past one year has been an even higher fluctuation of myself, from depressed to make other people depressed. I was still high after our trip last year (albeit with shingles) but on September and October I slumped into a deep down side of me before picking up again in December during our trip.

This year was positive for the first months before I started to be angry when receiving feedback, as if I am not good enough.

Currently I am still up and down as just I was cranky two days ago and yesterday. 

My perfectionism, anxiety, and pride is still tough to handle. But instead of coming up with excuses, may I practice everyday to handle them and find ways to overcome it.

Happy 3rd wedding anniversary to my beloved wife!