Learning to Say Well Done to Ourselves

This week is an interesting week. It is a week to remind myself to learn to appreciate the good things I have done. It is a challenging week especially for my wife who needs to struggle for her health in the midst of the difficulties in work. Thanks to her determination, I am reminded to strive on my own part at work.

I learned a lot about teamwork this week. On how an issue can be solved by working together with many different people, each with unique contribution in identifying and solving the problem. Each day gives different learning, shows that our assumption is not always correct and we need the humility to keep learning new things every day. And somehow the knowledge is continuously built up by the efforts from different people.

It is however hard to say good job to myself. It was my wife who reminded me on my tendency to discount the good things I made with different kind of reasoning. This is part of the practice I need to learn, that is to let go the perfectionism and cherish the moments and what we have.

The Art of Living

Toiling endlessly
Ploughing on barren land
Grappling to find hope
In a land of crushed dreams

Treading slowly
With feet succumed to earth
Struggling to seek meaning
In a world full of deceit

Dripping sweats
Eyes shedding tearless tears
Lips smiling forceful smile
Hearts longing for love

Imperfect lives
Weary minds
Broken souls
Wounded hearts

Yet...

The sun is rising...we must try to live...
The wind is blowing...we must attempt to live...
The birds are chirping...we must strive to live...
The flowers are blooming...we must aim to live
Our loved ones are calling...we must live...

For just one more day...
And for another day...
And for another day...

Inspired by 'The Graveyard By The Sea' by Paul Valéry

-Nyonya P-

When We Feel Tired

Today is a good day. I tried to do things one by one. There was still some stresses on which one to do first, but I managed to do one by one. Also, I could write what I was about to do. It turns out to be different but at least with some ideas on what the essential things are.

Afternoon was also busy doing things one by one. Then followed by another discussion.

But somehow I feel tired instead of happy. Perhaps it is a good thing. It reminds me that getting things done are not the ultimate goal. We won’t be happy even when we can get things done. We get things done because it is part of our calling, not our main objective. So learning how to get things done are good but not with the expectation that we will be happier because of that.

Secondly, it just reminds us that we are human. It is normal to feel tired. So when that happens, there is no need to be surprised. It only tells us that we need some rest. This will require us to let go of some worries and have the faith that we can continue again after we get some rest.

In other word, we don’t always need to work or be productive. So I need to learn to rest to find on the things I can enjoy for a while. That itself can be a stressful stuff as there are many things that we can do. Remember last week’s article. We can do what comes up in mind first.

Accepting the Dynamics of Life

As I see many improvements in myself, I need to remember that the dynamics of life is such that we may need reminders to accept it. This is because as I improve, I have the tendency to set higher standards. But reality is different, sometimes we can be very efficient or at least manage to find ways to make things faster. At other times, we need to accept that certain things take time. That there are things which there is no shortcut and we need to do one by one until it completes.

For example, last night I filled up visa application form. It just takes time to fill up one by one even when I try not to be perfectionist. Similarly, data entry for the prayer meeting also takes time. Then just now to cut the photo to suit the size requirement also takes time. We just need to do one by one. But I already feel tired. Perhaps not really tired but because I was hoping it to be completed faster as there are many things that I still need to do. Perhaps this is why we need to delegate to others. Because we need help and we cannot do all things even when we know we can do them ourselves.

We also need to learn to be thankful. Although I am tired and can’t get all things done, I am still healthy. This is because in life, we cannot always be healthy. Starting from Friday afternoon my wife was sick. Yesterday she felt better after taking the antibiotics, but she had flu and headache due to lack of sleep. Today somehow the pain comes back again. Nevertheless, she still completes her task. That is because we can’t control life and we can only do our part.

So instead of worrying things, let’s not forget to count the good things. Yesterday and today I had the privilege to take a nap. Also, this evening I could run for 30 minutes to ensure that I exercise once a week.

Also, sometimes we need to be flexible. We may not need to complete everything as planned or to spend as much time as we wish. So let’s stop here. Remember the objective is to build the habit of writing, not to write a lot everyday.

We don’t always have to make optimal decision

Today I also learn from the article in http://www.inc.com/julie-anne-exter/the-secret-that-helps-mark-zuckerberg-make-big-choices-steve-jobs-knew-it-too.html?cid=sf01002&sr_share=facebook.

That in life, we don’t always have to make the best decision. It is fine to put a routine to help us to save the time to make decision.

When we finally have free time, we also doesn’t need to always make decision on what to do first among our list of things we wish to do. Sometimes we can just do the one that comes in our mind first.

But the bottom line I think is that we still cannot avoid making decision. Those people didn’t want to spend time to make decision in small things because they want to spend time on the more fruitful things.

It is not the same when we don’t want to make decision because we want to have zero risk or we want to escape the responsibility of making decision. That is our part to reflect what is the motivation within our heart.

Tipping Points

I was listening for a while to Prof. Scott Page’s online lecture on the topic of tipping points which remind me that the world is not linear.

There are situations where things are gradual and there are situations where things jump or fall down. And in many situations, I mixed them up.

Sometimes I want things fast, things to change fast. But there are parts that are more linear which means we have to wait until it grows. Things which take time to build.

At other time, I lose hope by looking at the rate of change that is pretty small without remembering that there might be tipping point ahead where the rate of change can increase. Tipping point describes a point where there is a sudden increase whether on the thing itself or the rate of change. So I act as if things will always be like this, saying that if I can’t see the projection (based on my linearity), then there is no point of doing it.

The tipping point also reminds me that there is a lot of work, perhaps with no significant results to be done before the tipping points happen. My mistake would be to focus on others’ tipping points. Because at that point of time, I will ask why others can change so fast and I can’t do it? This is inaccurate because I didn’t see the amount of seemingly boring and unfruitful works that they have done before. Also, on the concept of enlightenment. Sometimes, we think that it may only happen to certain people. But thinking again about the tipping point concept, it may just be a tipping point in terms of understanding where there is a sudden jump in terms of the understanding on certain topic. Why it might happen only to certain people? One of the reasons I can think is that people or at least me, stop too early. When we stop too early because things are hopeless or not progressing, we may miss that there is actually an enlightenment too.

Just now was about tipping point in a good direction. How about tipping point in the negative direction? This too I often forget.

I often think that it is ok to have a bad habit just because things seem to be okay or just slightly worse than ideal. With the concept of tipping point, there may be sometimes that it cracks and then the whole thing collapse. It can be our health, it can be our work, it can be our relationship. Just like a building that cracks, the crack is slowly and seem to be not dangerous. But at certain point, the cracks will cause a snowball effect that can cause the whole building to collapse.

Another thought is that upon enlightenment or sudden increase, we may easily forget how it come and then thinking that that high rate of change is going to be constant or linear. At certain point, the rate of change can go back to previous or it can go down in other direction. That’s why we can’t boast of ourselves as if things will be always that good. Perhaps that is the reason people need to save. Because there may be tipping point ahead where our income is not as high or there may be other things which cause the expenses to be much higher.

So which one is linear and which one is not? We don’t know. And that is fine. We just need to remember that we often live based on assumptions and so we need to check what is our assumption. More importantly, we need to ask God to give us wisdom and obedience in following His call that we will be faithful in both linear situations and those where there are tipping points regardless of whether those are positive or negative tipping points.

Small Steps in Each Day

As expected, things are not as easy when it comes to implementation. Last night I was excited with the new learning of perfectionism. But that excitement will go down. So it is a matter whether I want to continue practicing what I have learned so far.

Morning was tough to wake up and to do exercise. Reaching the office, it was also not easy to do one by one. Things that were not planned pop up both external and internally. External from the e-mail. Internal from the thought of doing something good that I have delayed quite long and only this morning I remember.

But it was a good progress. At least I chose to open my mailbox and faced the e-mail one by one instead of trying to dwell into the fear and escape from it. I tried to did things one by one and get the unit from the lab. Tested the one I have delayed for two days.

Afternoon was not easy as well as there was a discussion, a good one, but not planned. Then there was a celebration in the office where I learned to enjoy it. This is because by habit I will be stressed due to my tendency to be special and please people. So today I learned to just be myself, it is ok to be quiet and just observe the surroundings.

Once going back to office, it was also not easy as to decide which one first to do. At the end, I only did a little. But it was also good, can discuss for a while with colleague, and ask other colleagues on the questions I need.

My wife also fell sick today. So need to make the decisions. I took the risk to make decision on what to do. Also whether to go to lessons or not. And how to handle the worry whether she is ok. It is not the first time, so we just need to remember that this too shall pass.

There are still many things to be done. But it is fine, just do one by one, try to improve, but not to get perfect as a quote saying, being imperfect is perfectly human.

It’s a Long Journey with Sure Destination

This is the first time to write again after several days. The commitment to write at least once in two days dropped as I started to have difficulties to let go again. So today I want to go back to write. And just a nice time too after getting many insightful tips from the third session of counselling.

I need to remember that this is a long journey with sure destination. That when we practice, we will get there in His time. And whatever happens, we will be forever with Him who loves us.

It is a long journey as it was already said in the beginning of the counselling. How much efforts do I think can change habits which have been done for long time? So the process to change will also take time.

Last Sunday was the first time I swam in the morning, and it was great. Just 25 minutes continuous swimming and done. I thought I will have marks on my eyes due to goggles when going to church, but apparently not.

I had some stress on Monday but generally it was good. With some anxiety, I managed to did things together with colleagues, delegated some and sent the results out. It took longer than expected, nevertheless, we made it. Monday evening was quite stressed but not sure why. But it was good that I can let go of things. For example, I could just focused finishing the sermon summary on Tuesday morning.

On Tuesday, with my worries, I asked the counterpart and somehow got the data which was just on time for the discussion. That was when I had many action items to be done. So I was quite stressed on Tuesday evening too. Wednesday morning was tough as I still tried to catch up what to be done. Plus there was a question on other thing which I need to follow up together with the colleague. During lunch, I had the anxiety what to choose to eat. When I finally decided on looking at interesting fish ball noodle stall, the queue was quite long that I started to waver to quit the queue. Then decided to stay but started to consider to take away assuming that it’s bad to let my colleagues waited. At the end, it was fine as somehow I enjoyed the food very much and could eat fast.

I was worried for the presentation on Wednesday afternoon, but apparently last minute I only knew that other colleague was the one presenting. So it’s not as bad as I thought. The problem however started after the meeting. Once the meeting ended, I started to be confused on which one to do first. The blank moments came and I wanted to escape. Thank God that at the end I sticked and tried to do one by one. An intervention also came when other colleague asked my help to go to the lab that I had the courage to do what I need to do in the lab but delayed due to fear of selecting which one to do first. But on Wednesday evening, I had discussion, which was generally good discussion on statistics. But I could not stop searching for info due to my perfectionism and pressurizing myself that I should know statistics better. There was an improvement though. I closed the searching session by writing what I knew. It was more of the condemning myself that I didn’t do other things such as this reflection that I needed to learn to let go.

This morning was quite stressed too. But thank God that I decided to follow my friend’s suggestion to do whatever I can come up first. I spent 30 mins to make imperfect stuff for the biweekly meeting and sent it out. Afterwards, I sent some overdue checklist out. The discussion turned to be good and fruitful although it was with imperfect preparation. This reminds me the importance of planning, it may not need to be perfect, but we need to spent time to think about what we are going to do.

Ok, now for the last 10 minute of writing, let’s reflect on the third session this afternoon. I learn that there is a time to sow there is a time to reap. After many counselling from my wife and my friends who sow the encouragement and wise advice, things start to be clearer. Like today, I was quite surprised that the topic was not REBT to practice overcoming anxiety. The topic became more specific that is my perfectionism which is a possible root cause of the anxiety. So we discussed a lot about perfectionism.

It started with what is the consequence of my perfectionism. To my surprise, it was difficult questions. Because the major consequences is the loss of potentials on what I can do instead of some external punishments, well, actually there were, I lost the time during phd which caused much of time and savings loss. I just remember it now. But I could articulate that there were several things that were not done because of the perfectionism I have. So I agree that the perfectionism behaviors are not helpful.

I could associate myself with the perfectionist behaviors and the unhelpful thinking styles in the handout.

I was also glad to learn the perfectionism model. In short, there are three things:

1. Unrelenting standards
2. Unhelpful rules that I have
3. paying attention only to selected things such as mistakes

These cause a vicious cycle.

My self worth depends on the achievement which cause me to have the unrelenting standard. Then I started to apply the unhelpful rules such as musts and shoulds which are exhibited in the perfectionist behaviors and unhelpful thinking styles. There are then two paths.

If I don’t meet the standards, I will condemn myself due to the negative consequences I feel and that will cause me to put my self-worth on future achievement and the cycle continued.

If I meet the standards, I will indulge to the positive consequences momentarily and then realize that I don’t make high enough standards that I increase my expectation causing for unrelenting standard and the cycle also continues.

Actions to make is to recognize those perfectionist behaviors and unhelpful thinking styles when those happen and to remind myself that they are actually and indeed unhelpful.

Do I want to spend my life for regretting things?

Today I went to the gathering at my supervisor’s place and met both alumni and current research students and fellow. Afterwards, my wife and I met my high school friend with his friend. There are many insights from meeting them.

I can see many more examples of positive people despite the difficulties they have. Also to see that they are not perfect people and yet they do their best to react positively to the challenges in life which can be negative at least for me. Well, this also teaches me not to take things for granted. The same example of positivity is obvious in my wife. It may be because I see her everyday that I am used to it. My friend and colleagues are also positive and I may be used to them as well. Today it’s perhaps because I seldom meet them that make me to reflect.

The question is that what am I doing? They were also not sure of many things in life and yet they make the progress by taking the risk. They were also not perfect and made mistake. They did not follow what is supposed to be followed up. Some of them were late for the gathering. They also did not learn what they are supposed to learn such as the ideal pronunciation. But they were confident and they enjoyed what they have at the moment.

They were busy with many things and yet they could take the time off to gather. They worked hard for the things they believe? How about me? I usually say it’s because there is not enough time. But where are my time spent? Honestly, it seems to be spent for worrying things and regretting things that can no longer be changed. So I am busy spending time for regretting things and condemning myself.

Do I want to continue like that? The answer is of course not. So the question is that how much do I want to change? As said before, worrying things and regretting things have become my habit. So how much do I want to change to the habit of doing what we can and letting go what we cannot?

For example, realistically speaking, although I am reminded by this truth tonight, there will be other time where I fall again into negativity and concentrated on the things I cannot do at one shot or worrying things which may not happen or even if it happens, it does not actually matter. So if I am to learn to walk, how much do I want to walk that I will get up again when I fall?

How much also do I want to implement the tips I got today?

For example, one said to me that how can I say that I cannot do something that I even have not tried before?

Another said, always expect unexpected things to happen. Be flexible and things of other plans. Also, there is nothing wrong with farewell. We may come back in the future, we may not, it’s part of life. Jump first and face the subsequent things step by step.

Why worry of which one to do first. Just pick one and do them first.

We live in this imperfect world, so we cannot be perfectionist. We need to do things, let it go, seek feedback and then revise. That’s what my team lead said yesterday.

My pastor also said last night that all challenges are within our abilities. Also, we tend to want people think we have the greatest struggle while it is not true.

There was also somebody told me that they thought I am a positive person. My wife also told me that I tend to look for insights from others while there are many insights already within me. So it is more of being confident and implement. If we think it is correct, we can save time of the double checking and do something more worthwhile.

A slow but steady progress is the reality

Just three days working after the Chinese New Year holiday and I fell again into the anxious cycle where I want to escape by being distracted on something else instead of facing what I need to do and that I am not perfect.

One indication is that I want to change a lot of things and those things are not small. For example, today I just want to pay bill but because of that, I look at the transaction history and be reminded about different bank’s savings program with their varying interest. Then that’s where from 15 minutes task becoming a 2-hr tasks without any much of value added. I even browsed through on the page of selecting the best credit cards and started to ask why my choice of credit card seems to be not the optimal one.

That is just a snapshot on how I felt stressed and then when finally try to complete one task, it reminded me on my wish to be more well versed in financial planning and expect everything to be done now and here instead of scheduling to some time. It’s like I have been living with not so well plan and suddenly when I am reminded of the importance of planning, I want to do all the planning now. Isn’t it too far from reality?

Last Thursday was a bonus. After committing that I want to complete an overdue task for 30 minutes, I spent 2 hour to complete it with much additional things including searching some software features. It ended well. But afterwards, I am faced with the reality that other things are waiting. And I started to be shaken and nervous. It was still okay and even I learned new things from my colleague towards the end of the office hour. So Thursday was generally good. But again at night at home I started to feel stressed as I want to do certain things and I brought back several things to do at home such as the revision of the poster.

Yesterday at office was again challenging. I was in contact with colleague from other country and I was not sure whether I am fake or not when asking how things after the holiday. Afterwards, I tried to focus doing something, and it was soon interrupted. Afterwards, I seek help but was easily distracted. Even for the decision whether or not too fast for commemorating the Ash Wednesday, took me quite long. Afternoon was full of learning, something that is very surpising. Basically in the first three days after new year, every day I learn something technical. Isn’t good? But I still have the tendency to highlight what is not done…

This morning I want to do a lot of things again. But at the end, I haven’t started any work related and not sure whether I can do it today. That’s where I am reminded, it may not be realistic to do big changes in one day. Even my best friend plan things weekly not daily because daily target is more prone to failure. So, daily it is more realistic to build something that is small but steady such as the commitment to write like this.

When the Game is On

I started to feel stressed again. Today is the first day of work after the Chinese New Year holiday. The holiday was good. Sometimes I felt stressed during the holiday. But this time I felt quite happy and think that I did a quite ok job during the holiday by getting things done not that much, but also see some progress.

So I didn’t expect or at least not providing enough space for the game to be on, a game where I can apply the things I have practiced on. To practice the breathing exercise, to practice the muscle relaxation, and most importantly to challenge the negative self talk or thoughts that I have.

One indication that the game is on is that there is a great tendency for me to judge whether I am doing things correctly or not, whether the sequence of doing things are in order, and whether things will happen according to the plan.

Some of the challenges include that there are new things popping up in my mind which are different in nature that what I am currently doing. Also, I made a start by writing more often on the activating event and the consequence. But it is hard to think about the underlying belief. There is somehow a tendency to skip it, there is reluctance in putting out into the words on what I really feel, let alone challenging it. For example, there is already a piece of paper to guide, but I don’t take it out.

The cycle starts where I feel not being able to do things. I feel to tired, and it is hard to analyze. But this is where I need to challenge my thoughts. At the moment, it seems that I am saying I cannot take this frustration. So the question would be why not? It has been going like this for quite a long time. Tomorrow will be ok if not immediately. Also, I am indirectly telling myself that if I cannot do it now, I will not be able to do it tomorrow as time is limited. The question is that where is the evidence that I could not do tomorrow? There are more evidence showing that although time was limited, impromptu efforts somehow could address much better than expected.

Also, does it help by judging myself a lot of times? We have discussed and acknowledged that by judging myself and worrying about the future, I make the pressure triple as the original pressure of completing the task itself.

Another thing that triggers my stress is the fact that I keep switching my mind for the thinking. I kept coming up with new ideas for analysis that it is difficult to stick to it. So end up the memory needed is much more. I have also listed the main things to be done in the evernote, but it is hard to stick to it. And perhaps there is nothing wrong as I was stuck and decided to use the simplest alternative to complete instead of following the priority.

So the challenge is to ask whether there is any need to be particular. Today is also the first day after work. Why not give to myself some more time to adapt back. Also, even the definition of the stuck needs to be re-asked.

So as I write this while my mind is fleeping sleepy, indirectly saying that it is fine to stop now and try again tomorrow. The main thing is to rise again every time I fall. Not so much in preventing to fall.

There is time to relax, there is time to work

Two days have passed and time is limited. One thing to understand and accept is that we cannot go backwards. Once the time has passed, there is no way to recover. At the same time, it does not mean that we lose everything. What we have is the time now and the coming time if God is willing. Until yesterday night, I have not touched on work-related or learning related. But somehow starting from this afternoon, I have been thinking about statistics and data analysis.

At the same time, I need to remember that there is no need to continue all the way non-stop. There is also time to rest and to practise the habit such as writing this blog.

Also, I am thankful today because I can remember that we are limited. Usually on a big day such as today, the 1st day of Chinese New Year, I become stressed because there are so many people that we can contact and congratulate. Today at least I can enjoy congratulating people knowing that I cannot contact all. I just choose those that I remember and forgive myself for those that I have missed contacting.

Perhaps that is the key. We need to remember that we cannot do all. But we need to do all that we can. Also, today, just nice, there is another article which reminds me that multitasking is not good for our brain. We need to focus completing one task at a time before moving to another task. There is the tendency to switch after a small task because of the hormon produced by a little satisfaction. But we need to get used to hanging on so that we can complete a more solid thinking rather than keep switching the minds.

There are many things we need to learn. One point is to be humble and to be prepared to re-learn. I was learning data analysis from the swirl interactive self-tutorial in R Programming. During the process, it points to a youtube video by Khan Academy for 6th grade students. Somehow my pride was hurt in a sense that should I watch the youtube for 6th grade students. But that is the reality, I need to understand the same basic thing. I need to be thankful that I have the things to apply in the workplace, a privilege that a 6th grade student may not have. So, let’s continue to re-learn. For example, today it is great that I can understand better about the box and whisker plot. Also, it was good to learn that one of the most important steps in data analysis is to identify what questions we want to find the answer.

Today I have not practised much in terms of the breathing exercise, the muscle relaxation,and the REBT process. One thing I note is that I may not only deal with the tendency to feel stressed or anxious, I also need to deal with the perfectionist tendency. The activating event was that I was learning about minitab and found there were so many different features and options. My consequence was that I kept trying different options without answering the questions that I have set. The belief was that if there is something I don’t know, I need to explore it here and now. This is the belief that I need to challenge. If I have survived so long without that, why would it become so important now. It is ok that I don’t know all about something, that I can learn a little bit more the next time the opportunity comes, instead of trying to lump everything and digest at the same time.

Also, I need to tackle the irrational belief that I must make something that is perfect. I need to remember what is the objective. If the questions can be answered without knowing some feature, why not doing it. In the article about multitasking, there is a term of minimum effective dose borrowed from the medicine context. If we can solve something with the least effort, let’s do it.

I also need to keep practising to encourage myself. When I had learned about the data analysis this afternoon, I still have the tendency to do a self-talk saying that I still have not worked at all. In other word, I kept focusing on what I haven’t done instead of building on something that I have done.

A tips given by a friend in choosing what to do first is to do what I feel like doing for the half of day before trying to follow the to-do-list on the other second half of the day. It was a useful tips as I could just choose something to do first.

At the same time, I need to acknowledge that the improvement will not be as fast as I thought. So for example, if I now feel sleepy and probably cannot continue much of the work, it is fine. I can continue tomorrow. Also, it is fine if I could not complete the whole 30 mins of writing this blog.

Remember one of the video in the course on learning how to learn. Sleeping is good as it kinds of renew our brain’s synapses. Even there was a quote that it is a great suffering if someone could not sleep. So if it is time to sleep, let’s sleep and relax. There will be time tomorrow where we can work and give our best again.

Practising Thoughts Process

The past I week I have started to give more attention to something called practice from the breathing exercise and progressive muscle relaxation. Also, doing the stretching exercise recommended by my wife in the morning is helpful. Now I need to practise something harder, the thought process.

Yesterday was the second session and I learn several things including the thought process. Before talking about the thought process, it was obvious that I still care very much on how I am doing with the practice. For example, I am very cautious on whether I am doing the progressive muscle relaxation correctly. I need to step back and remember what is the objective doing that, which is to differentiate between when we are tense and when we are in relaxed mode. So there is no need to pay so much attention on whether we do the tense part correctly. The benefit of being able to differentiate is to build the memory and to become more aware when we are stressed. That means we can modify the exercise itself into something that we are tense when being anxious or stressed. By looking at the difference, we can remember that when we start to slip into the tense state, we can try to go back to the relaxed state.

One thing to note is that the breathing exercise and the progressive muscle relaxation does not necessarily prevent us into being in the anxious situation. The breathing exercise may help to alleviate. For muscle relaxation, it was the memory that helps instead of doing those exercise when we are having the anxiety.

This indicates the importance of tackling the thought process itself. It is now to also start practising what I know about rational emotive behaviour therapy. There are five parts to it. First is A, activating event - we need to recognize what triggers us to behave in certain way. Which is the third part, C, the consequence. One of the two main keys are the second part, which is B, identifying the belief system, what kind of irrational belief we have that cause the consequence in terms of unhalthy behaviour? The second main key is the D, dispute. How do we challenge our irrational belief. By challenging and finding the rational belief, we can have a healthy behaviour as the consequence which imply for E, an effective change.

An example of the activating event is when I write and look at the to-do-list I have. The consequence would be I start to having blank moments and confused on which part to do first and worrying if others will be upset if I could not complete it as soon as possible.

So what is my belief system in this case?

There are three pressures that I have instead of just one pressure which is to complete the task itself. I made it triple by adding two more pressures. First is the pressure of whether I will be doing it well or in a perfect manner that I wish. Second is the pressure of the future of what will happen if I could not complete it.

The belief that I may have is that I have to do everything perfectly but I realize there is no enough time. Also, I may believe that if I am not doing it extremely well or at least above average, then I am not good or I am failure. If something is not complete on time, then people will be very upset and I cannot stand people being upset to me.

In this situation, I need to dispute the irrational beliefs that I have by asking questions.

What happens if I don’t do it perfectly? And then? So?

What would be the worst case if I am only an average and not extraordinary? Would I become jobless because of that? What is the worst scenario? What happens if I pick the wrong sequence? Isn’t stuck in the indecision and anxiety issue that I have is already the worst scenario that anything other than that is a better situation?

I also need to ask questions on my behaviour in handling the situation by condemning myself and being anxious. Are those behaviors helpful? Are they leading me anywhere? Is there an alternative to solve the problem.

I need to practise to focus on the rational problem solving process than my emotion. I need to encourage myself and to remind myself that I can stand the frustration, I can stand the disappointment of looking at things that are not imperfect or after making a mistake. Then own them up and think and do the solutions that can address the problem. Even if I cannot solve the problem, then I can ask whether I can live with that. Whether there is true adverse consequence of having that problem. Just like I can live in a world with pollution. It is a problem but it is not rational if I say that I could not live in it.

An important point to make is that my thought process is also a habit, not just the way I breathe or my tense muscle. That means it requires a lot of practice. So would I commit to practise? Would I give up if I could not do it. This is very important, because frankly, it is difficult for me to ask question.

Even if I imagine giving advice on someone facing the same problem that I have, I have little things to challenge the thoughts. For example, in the case of choosing which one to do first, I only have the advice to just choose and do it, nothing else. I do not ask what is the consequence even if choosing the wrong things. Or whether is it helpful if we keep asking which one to do first while time is limited.

So I need to practise. Like today when I am stuck in front of TV, there is no need to condemn myself. But analyze the process. The activating event is that I am passing the TV and the consequence is that I am stuck looking at the TV. So ask what is the possible belief, what makes me want to watch it? What is my belief? Am I saying that my distraction level is very sensitive? Can I stand more distraction than that? Am I running from something? Which one do I really want, to watch or to do something else.

The answers may not be there, but that is not the point. The main point is to practise the healthy thoughts process.

Cherishing Progress

I need to learn to cherish progress. Today I only did two things in my checklist, but it was done. I also took the courage to re-build the small sharing with colleagues which I started to degrade in the past one month. It was much fewer frequency, but with a new commitment to stick to it. I enjoyed the 30-minute discussion.

It was then time for troubleshooting. I didn’t expect my colleague to join in as I felt bad if wasting time. But it was good, because when I started to talk, I can organize my mind better. To formulate the worry or the question and what we can do to confirm the doubt and answer the question. Finally, the problem that has been hold for 2 weeks can be solved. In the afternoon, I spent 1 hour extra alone to understand about the problem. It was too long but I got better understanding to review what was happening in the process of the troubleshooting.

It was good also to have the gathering with colleagues who joined at a similar time and then the group expanded. I can exercise to be relax and not putting too much expectation on what to talk about and then just be honest.

I was not sure whether I could finish the other task as the time was limited. But it was a good thing that there was a push, it was needed by the end of the day. I targeted 15 min but it became 30 min. Also I made mistake, re-sent, then recover another mistake, and then re-sent again. So it is a good reminder that I did a mistake and it was ok, just acknowledge and send it again. In other word, why do I usually worry too much about making mistake. It was also a reminder the importance of a simple random checking on whether the script works. I was almost not trying at all, only to find out the path error and then the typo error of the file name. It didn’t take me much time but it saves some troubleshooting time in the future.

My best friend also reminded me on the slides he sent to me yesterday. I haven’t read it, when I read it, I realized there are so many things that we can learn. So I opened up the coursera about the course on learning how to learn. It gives the concept of focused thinking and diffused thinking. I often used focused thinking, like how I studied last minute but in a very focused situation. This is good for a simpler challenge or problem. But when things get complex, we need to use diffused thinking where we need to relax and slow down before having focused time to integrate all the learning. In other word, because things are complex, we may go back and forth understanding things. Also, a smaller amount in each day is more important just like a regular exercise for those who want to build muscle.

The interesting part is that although I think a lot, it is difficult for me to write a lot. The original duration for writing this is 30 mins. But now it is only 16 mins past but I already feel like stopping. It is just like when we set a target for running and then halfway we feel tired and it seems that we cannot complete it. Sometime it is fine as things are limited and not every time we need to complete our target. At the same time, we need to be careful when we can stop for good reason and when we stop because we do not want to persevere.

A reflection is needed to see the problems we were facing. For instance, for the topic of the bi-weekly discussion I set with few colleagues have two objectives. The first one is problem definition and solving while the second one is learning. Initially I want to put learning as the first objective. But thinking about it again, I think problem solving is more important. Because learning for the sake of learning may be wasted if we do not apply it into some creations or problem solving. Whereas in most of problem solving process, we need to learn something new, but this time the learning has specific goals and it has to be applied instead of being stuck in only understanding the theory.

An example was the foundation where it teaches that business does not need necessarily start from ideas. But it is more on how to find the essence of the problems including which problems matter the most. For example, in my work, which are the irritating problems in running the tests and in measuring the results? Can I formulate the problem statement in terms of what is the problem and when does it happen and what we have tried to solve or perhaps characterize it?

A good friend also shared that usually problems in work come just about when he is going for holiday. So when the problems come again just before holiday, he already expected them and laughed about them. Most of the time, when there is problem, I hate it and keep asking why there is problem and why it has to happen now and not other time. How different it is if I consider having problems as normal just like everyday we may have new additional things to do that is unexpected, like as simple as receiving letters which we require to respond.

So, let’s learn to cherish progress including realizing that progress does not necessarily happen every day. Tomorrow I can be down again especially as there are more challenges these coming few days, but somehow time will past and I can go through all these in God’s grace.

I Can Stand the Frustration

I need a reminder that I can stand the frustration feeling. Today I feel terrible again. It was not a bad day, but I get distracted again with small things. Like just now I was surfing for things which I am not sure whether it is necessary for work. I did not do what is more important such as organizing my evernote. In fact, I just want to run and escape from the feeling.

It was quite tough to handle my anxiety today. I tried to use the breathing exercise. The result is better than in the past. But perhaps because I face the anxiety directly instead of running it, I feel tired. I am faced again with the fact that it is very hard for me to decide. Also it is difficult for me to listen to a talk.

I am not sure whether I can go through this. And that’s why I need the reminder. Yesterday I can be very positive. So why not tomorrow? Who knows. What we can do is to do what we can and then accept the consequences. Things are piling up at the office, both in terms of work and physically on my table. Not sure whether I can make it neater.

At the same time, although it was tough, I need to pat myself for being to let go one part. So tomorrow, let’s let go the other part and then move on. Decide on one thing and stick to it whether or not I have the full confidence.

Practise Organizing Thoughts

Today there is improvement. I start to do things one by one. It was slow but small things get done. Which is good because recently even I cannot complete small tasks like yesterday where a simple survey became very long. I also learn to seek help from my colleagues. And the result was surprising. It did not get done immediately. But somehow my colleague reminded me of the resources I already have but forget. Also, I learnt to explore myself and found something new. It is not complete but at least it is a progress.

After the main task was completed, the struggle began, I wanted to do things that were not required. It is difficult for me to focus on the basic task first. I made mistake by offering to make something that is not required. But the good thing was that I contacted the person to update the status instead of keep waiting. I also managed to check one little thing before going back.

I almost brought my laptop back home although I know that at most I can do is 30 mins at home with that laptop if I am to sleep on time. So I decided to just leave in the office knowing that there are actually many things that I can do at home. For example, my evernote is still in mess. By right, it should be helpful by organizing things. But now, what I do is that I just keep adding the task without deleting the completed task. Also, I don’t immediately tag the task which means that all tasks are inside a huge box and it is harder to search.

One possible explanation that it is hard for me to organize is because I seldom write or do self-talk. When I think, the thoughts can be so many and sometimes it is either parallel or keep switching at a very fast rate. End up, it becomes messy thoughts which are not processed and just scattered everywhere. In contrast, when we write or do talk aloud, we can’t come up with all thoughts at the same time. It is not just possible as we need to write one by one or speak word by word. Indirectly, it is a process of making decision on which words to write or talk, and which one to let go and remain just as a thought. In other word, the thoughts that come through writing or speaking is in bite-size. So it is easier to organize. This also makes us more conscious on what we feel or why we do things.

No wonder sometimes I also have difficulties in writing. Because in writing, my thoughts need to slow down and I need to decide what to write. Thanks to my wife for encouraging me to write that through this I practice to organize my thoughts.

Also, it is interesting that because writing and speaking require more focused thinking, I get tired easily and therefore not too many thoughts on the subject.

So, we can use the time to think something more important. Let’s start. I need to organize my evernote. How can I organize? One thing that I often confuse is to use inbox. Now I am also treating my action as inbox as I keep throwing things inside that. So perhaps the one that is lacking is in reviewing those inbox. I need to take the courage to provide some time to review the inbox whether it is the actual inbox or my list of actions. Then I need to give the priority whether want to do immediately or when is the scheduled time to do it. Also giving the tags or keywords are also useful. I think for this, we can do it immediately when we create the task.

Another challenge that I have is that I keep switching on the tool to organize. I still have the google docs or sheets running. Also, sometimes I write in one note, and other time I wrote at the word itself using the heading section. Sometimes I also write my to do list on paper or in S Note.

Believing without Seeing

It’s hard to believe when we can’t see things are going as expected. Time passes by and there are some improvements, but it’s hard not to look at the shortcomings. Despite the practice, I still feel anxious. I wrote it out, listen to songs, and do the breathing exercise and the progressive muscle relaxation. But it is still very hard to think less of myself and think clearly.

It’s not that God is not helping. He is. There was a time when taking a shower, when suddenly my mind became clearer and able to sing. But afterwards, it was my part to maintain and I couldn’t hold on to the hope and looked to much on my inabilities.

I was not sure what to do first. And when I decided to do the simplest one, to fill up a compulsory survey which is supposed to take 15 mins, I spent 1.5 hour just because I do not know what I am feeling. So even a simple survey question makes me confused in how to answer.

Lunch was also not free from stress. My junior updated me that he had finished in his spare time to do the things I suggested last year and just need to be applied. But now I am directionless and how can I guide him or to make the project worthwhile. I feel like the things I started at the second half of the year last year started to fall off.. not because there is no progress, but because I cannot manage my own expectation and daily life.

Troubleshooting was also tough even when it’s guided. I used to think troubleshooting is tough because we are the one leading. This time I just need to assist as the work was done remotely. But again it is tough because it needs a patience and courage to try different angles as we do not know the true root cause. It took a great amount of patience to wait until the solution seem to make sense.

Again, the question is how patient do I want to be in waiting to see my progress. Also, do I trust the advice or trust what I see?