Making Changes

Let’s make changes even if they are difficult. There are three changes I want to make. First, let’s go away with the time tracking. The objective was to be able to track my time. But it has become a white elephant where I have been maintaining for the sake of feeling secure or for trying to accomplish things. Sometimes it may even backfire where I wrote the time repeatedly and show to myself that I have done nothing for that time period. It is scary to do without those. But let’s try.

Second, think less and do more. There is no point of starring the to-do-list or thinking about the problems. There is also little use of talking to myself to just do it when I am not convinced of myself. Rather, let’s actually do something. Purposely do something that is not perfect, that is to come up with whatever we can first and then improve later when there is opportunity. Otherwise, go with what we have.

Third, love self for God’s sake. It does not mean to love my pride. But it means to love myself when I have nothing that I can boast on, when I feel like a failure. Stop scolding myself. Stop being angry for myself without doing something constructive. Believe in myself not because I can be trusted but because God can be trusted. Loving self includes giving thanks, for focusing on the things to be thankful of instead of focusing on my regrets. It also means that there is no need to save my face. That it is okay to lose face, to look stupid, in fact it is much better than running away or not doing anything while being anxious on the consequences of not doing something.

In any case, if something don’t work, look at what we can learn and then be brave to make changes.

A Note to Myself

Let’s write again for 5 minutes. I have been over cautious these days. In everything I do, I am trying my best not to make mistakes but it caused me making more mistakes. Even today as I play with my daughter, I keep watching myself whether I upset her or do not do enough as a father. I have also been adding pressure unnecessarily to myself in almost every thing I do.

I want to remind myself that being anxious or thinking about the problems do not solve anything. The more I delay, the more it gets scarier to do. So, let’s lower the standard, find a good enough alternative. Make mistakes and learn from them. Also, do not jump to conclusion by saying I am stupid because of the mistakes I do. Whenever I am angry to myself, remember the three underlying categories of anger sources: hurt, frustration, and personal attack. Remember that punishing myself is not useful by any means. Be objective, channel the anger to something positive. 

Little P’s first sensory play

Today I went with my wife and daughter for our first sensory play class. The theme is about pancake. It started with reading the book Pancakes, Pancakes! By Eric Carle. Then there is activity to try touching milk and egg that is broken. The third activity was to decorate real pancake with raisin, banana, and jam. That was when things became messy as my daughter played with the jam. The fourth activity involved two stations where the kids can play with real flour. I thought it was messy enough. But apparently another station was to play with real flour mixed with milk, and breaking egg. 

I am grateful for my wife for introducing such activity to both my daughter and I. I never played that kind of thing as I don’t like being dirty. So today I learned that it is okay to be dirty as we can clean them. The important thing was to learn on the job instead of just the theory such as reading the book. 

Two other lessons of the day are on being last minute and regretting. I used to make people worry due to my last minute habit. But this time, because of my daughter’s eating and sleeping duration and time are unpredictable, we were rushing and now I can feel how uncomfortable it is to be ready and waiting for other. The other lesson was on regretting. On my way back, I worried on a lot of things such as my daughter going to sleep, then the worry of getting taxi, and the worry of calling home. Hopefully I can learn to be less last minute and focus on what I can do instead of worrying and regretting things that are either in the past or in the future. 

What are holding me back from making decisions?

There are at least three things that often hold me from making decisions: the fear of feeling regretful, forgetting the consequences of making decisions, and adding too many constraints.

First, the fear of feeling regretful. I have many things that I regret for. I often focused on the past such as why I did that and how could I do that or how could I not do the other alternative. The regrets are so strong that they fill up the mind and hinder from thinking what I can still do.

Second, I forget that there is also consequence of not making decision or delaying decisions. I often make do nothing as my default move instead of selecting from the available options. But that does not account for the impact of delaying decisions. I need to remember that delaying decisions can cause me very regretful in the future and bring me the consequences that I have not considered.

Third, I add too many constraints from the beginning. Instead of relaxing the constraints at the beginning, I added too many constraints. This cause no feasible solutions are available and at the end I could not have the best feasible solution and so no action is done.

So, how to take a step forward? First, consider that not making decision also has its own regrets. Because of that, I do not need to run from the feeling regretful as I will feel regretful regardless what decision or move I take. Second, delaying decision have other impacts that are not known. Isn’t it better to choose from the alternatives as we already know roughly on the consequences? Third, relax the constraints. Generate more than two alternatives. Let go some of the constraints. In any case, find ways that I can move instead of doing nothing.

A Whole Month without Writing

Today is the first of April which means that I did not write any single post for the month of March. In addition, there was only 1 post in February. That is an indicator on how my procrastination level increased and the inability to get things done in a good enough manner. Everyday seems to be not good enough with missed deadlines and opportunities. Making decision becomes tougher and the fear of making wrong decision grows stronger.

Mistakes by mistakes happen with little done to reflect upon to learn from them. It is as if I am not able to learn from mistakes and keep doing them. Many helps have been given to me but it seems that I myself am not helping. In this situation, I can only remind myself not to quit during stormy days. At the same time I need to make sure that I do not do things that indirectly force the situations that would make me quit.

In any case, I need to remember to face the problems, not run away from them. I need to lower down my expectations and progress slowly even when I cannot see the progress.

Little One’s First Trip to Zoo

Today we went to River Safari and Singapore Zoo for the first time with our little one. We wanted her to have a nap in the morning, had lunch, and then go to the Zoo. But it did not happen. She was not willing to sleep in the morning. She only fell asleep during the taxi ride. As she was still asleep when we reached, we decided to go to River Safari as it is cooler. Just nice, she woke up just before we reached the Panda area. We took a break in Starbucks and continued to the Zoo. The zoo, as expected, is more challenging to visit as there is less shelter and some roads have upward slopes. That is when I learned to remember again that we did not have to go to all parts of zoo. We can still come back next time.

The question to ask is, am I cranky today. I think it is ok, but it can be improved. I was not angry but at the same time still anxious on various parts. I was thankful that my wife prepared all from our little one’s needs to my snack and bought sweet drinks so that I am less cranky. At the same time I felt bad as it seems to be tough on her. She is both physically and emotionally tired. This reminds me to the statement in a Korean drama. If I feel bad, then I need to pull myself together. Show with actions, with change. Remember that being angry to myself is useless. It does not fix anything. And worse, it shows that I only depend on my own strength and does not believe the grace from God that will come when we act in faith even when I can’t see any results and in the midst of failures.

It’s not about me

One of the difficulties I face is my self-centeredness. When I have low mood, I focus on my inabilities. When I am high, I focus on my abilities. In both cases, the focus are still on me. For example, now that I have low mood, I cannot even look at the cloud and the sunshine and appreciate how beautiful they are. I keep focusing on my problems and inabilities. When I fail to do something, I just scold myself or constantly evaluate my performance.

I need to zoom out, to remember that it is not about me. When there are tasks to do, no need to focus whether I am not capable doing that. It is less relevant. The point is on how to get things done. It can be by asking others. It can be by brainstorming and keep trying. It can be something else. Generate alternative. Move around. Avoid giving up. Remember too that I do not need to be successful. Just like this article, the more important thing is to write and stop in time. The contents do not always need to be good. 

What do I want?

At this stage of adult, I can’t depend on doing what others want me to do. The change needs to come from inside. No matter how many or how often people feedback to me, it won’t work for long unless I want to change. Another question is what kind of change? Do I want to feel better? Or do I want to improve the quality of doing my responsibilities.

Remember that feeling better does not guarantee better quality of doing my responsibilities. For example, when I was in high mood, I also run from my basic responsibilities. So do I still want to focus on feeling better? Do I still want to focus on having things smoothly? Or do I want to focus on improving my quality of work?

Do I still want to use low or high mood as an excuse for not delivering my responsibilities?

No, I don’t want. It is not going to be easy to face my responsibilities after escaping them for so long. When my ideal self is angry, look at its intention, acknowledge it and then move on. When my anxious self is doubting, look at its intention, be slightly more careful and then move on.

When situations are still bad, remember not to link it with my feelings. Acknowledge it and then try again. Remember on how my daughter is learning to stand. No matter how often she fails, she will get back up and try again.

The Battle to Remind

The Solid Joy Daily Devotional’s title today is the battle to remind (https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-battle-to-remind). This is very apt for me now. The winter has come. I was just writing about scolding does not work last Monday. Then I got stressed and started the scolding cycle on Tuesday. I managed to recover in the afternoon. But on Wednesday I fell again. On Thursday I managed to get back slightly up and then fell again on Friday. During the weekend, I barely hang on. In another word, the winter has come.

Now there is a great pessimism and little hope. Like what the article said, my mind is full I can’t, she won’t, they’ll never. And I excluded God’s promises from my mind. It is at this stage that I need to hold on tight to God’s promises. I need to remind myself that God is the God of impossible. That even when I can’t see any way out, God is able to get me out. That there is no temptation beyond my ability. That I need to stop acting like a weak person but I need to exercise my muscle of faith. That I don’t need to aim for perfection, but for good enough progress. That I need to trust God and obey. That I don’t just bear the cross, but I use it to strengthen my faith. That God is on my side and the Holy Spirit is helping me to change and control my emotion. That there is little use of worrying and that I need to focus on what small thing I can do in a given situation. That I am not a failure even when I make many failures. That God will enable me to aim and decide myself to be willing to experience difficulties and discomfort for those whom I love.

Scolding myself does not work, it makes things worse

As I am now struggling again, let’s remind myself that scolding myself does not work, it makes things worse.

When I am faced with difficult situations, I tend to react negatively as I hate discomfort. So when I realized my contributions to the difficult situations, I will be angry with myself. I am angry because I think if I did not do those things, I would not face this situation. There are many ways to express our anger. But at the moment, I mostly use scolding myself as that is the easiest. Talking and expressing anger in words is easier than changing myself or cleaning up the mess. In addition, it makes me unable to concentrate and therefore I have the luxury to not do things and attribute to my depression.

But let’s remind again that scolding makes things worse. First, it does not solve the real problem. It only distracts me from solving the problem. Second, it steps on my respect air hose that I could not breathe. I will have an internal emotional conflict as I disrespect myself. This will then push me to do some unloving or incorrect actions that lead to other problems. So instead of solving the main problem, I created new problems. As I created new problems, I will be angrier to myself and the cycle continues.

So what to do? It is difficult to just stop scolding. It is easier to replace actions than stop actions. So, let’s do these three. First, do deep breathing exercise. Focus on my breathing. Focus on praying to God as I inhale and exhale. Second, take a break. Take a step back. Write. Go back to the priority list. Third, do what is good enough. Admit that no matter what I will do, it will not be enough. So let go the perfection and aim to be some steps closer to what is good enough. 

How to take a rest

Let’s remind myself how to take a rest and how to differentiate it from running away.

First, taking a rest usually has a plan in mind when to come back. When we sleep, we know that we will wake up. When we eat, we know that we will stop eating and do something else. This means that binge on something including watching youtube or reading article is not really a rest.

Second, taking a rest is doing something that makes us happy or energised. It can be drinking my favorite drinks or eating my favorite food. It can be taking a nap. Running away is driven by fear. Resting is pursuing happiness.

Third, taking a rest involves changing our focus. We need to close our eyes when sleeping. We need to change clothes before a full body massage. We need to stop talking when eating or drinking. We need to zoom out from what we do and change the focus to something else. Running away still focus on the problems we have and that is not resting.

Fourth, taking a rest involves taking a step back and give us the option whether we want to continue what we do previously or change it. It also involves remembering. For example, now that I am trying to rest, remember this exhaustive feeling that I can be more careful before taking commitments. We can also remember why we do certain things and our initial passions. Running away robs the chance to courageously face the problems or say no and stop doing what we usually do. Running away is trying to forget something while resting is remembering something.

So let’s take the right rest and be recharged in God’s grace.

Managing My Emotions

Today I was agitated again on the issue in the manufacturing line. It started with last Friday where I was already emotional but managed to control. Then it was difficult last Saturday as I needed to stay firm and managed between spending time with family and work.

This week was tough as I was on MC for one day and on leave for another day. So the amount of time  is limited. Then I got to know on Tuesday that I need to be more independent of current tasks as my colleague needed to take care another program.

What are the reasons behind my feeling? Here are three possible answers.

First, I am not feel secured. I started to scold mysef for not being able to perform up to my expectation. So the more things that I find I cannot do, I get frustrated easier and becoming angry. Second, I do not like to be rushed into something. Perhaps this is related to my anxiety of what if I cannot do. So it is an in-advance feeling of possible insecurity. Third, I am too tired. I pushed myself for both necessary and unnecessary things. I do not have enough rest or perhaps the frequency is the one not enough. I need to take small breaks in between tasks. I also need to remind myself that rest is very important to the point that I need to lower down some expectations to protect the time for resting.

One thing for sure is that I cannot give up in the midst of failures in managing my emotions. Admit my failures, take a step back to think how to do better, and then move on and try again. Remember that God can turn things including struggles and discomfort for something good.

3 Things for 2019

There are at least three things for this new year: manage my expectations, set the right priority, and set clear goals that are good enough. 

First, let’s manage my expectations to myself and others. When my expectations to myself was too high, I was depressed. When I am high, I have either hidden or displayed high expectations to others from my wife, my parents-in law, my helper, my colleagues, my friends. It seems to be binary, either I don’t expect at all or I expect very high. Let’s balance that in the healthy range. 

Second, set the right priority. Initially I wanted to say choose the right priority. But the truth is that most of the time I did not even stop to list down what are the possible priorities and then selected. I just go with the flow especially based on my feeling. I also tend to help others and not do the tasks of my own responsibilities. 

Third, set clear goals that are good enough based on the set and selected priorities. Remember, setting the right priority is not enough. I need to translate them into clear goals that are addressed for the right priority. In addition, the goals shall not be perfect goals. Rather, think what is good enough goals or threshold that satisfy the priority. 

It is not easy but let’s do it by constantly asking God for direction and strength to do this.