Delayed Gratification

Somehow it is difficult for me to do something when I could not see the real immediate impact. It is like I am having a problem to live out the concept of delayed gratification especially when it involves active participation in doing something. A question popped up in my mind today that if someone told me to do something and it will be successful in the 1000th attempt, would I do it? Perhaps if one attempt takes only 1 sec, I will do it. But if it takes one day for each attempt, would I do it if the outcome is something that I really want? I am not sure. Somehow the present comfort seems to be more precious than anything. And that is the real barrier to have a delayed gratification.

Another symptom is that I am easily frustrated. Like just now I need to do something which I have done before but I forgot. Somehow I take it very seriously and I become upset of myself, asking how I could forget about it instead of taking it easy and put it into the to-do list if it cannot be solved now.

Just like a stall engine, somehow when I could not achieve what I want, even simple things, something that I know I can do, can end up undone due to procrastination. It’s like I do not want to move on unless something that is bothering me is solved. But is that realistic? In the world, there are many things that we cannot solve regardless whether we are the one causing it or not.

So the question, as tomorrow is a new month, would I want to try again? This month I wrote less than usual. Perhaps it is also due to the fact that I was desperate for something with immediate impact and writing may not be one of them. Also, the commitment to review my past writing would also be something that is important that hopefully I can work on even if I could not see immediate improvement after doing it.

A Different Kind of Hero

I have the tendency to want to be a hero of others. I want to help people first without checking whether I have the capability to help. It is not wrong, but at the same time, I need to check why I want to do that. Perhaps the reason I do that is because of my pride. It feels good if I can look to be of help to others or to sacrifice of others, as if it increases my meaning of life. Sometimes to the point of helping others when they don’t need it. 

One thing I observe is that it is a short cut of a true hero. A true hero overcomes fear. And the thing is that I now have so many fears, fear of making mistakes, fear of disappointing people, fear of the future, and fear of becoming myself without any mask. I need to protect myself against the overly critical expectations I have, the attacks of when I demoralize myself with so many accuses and criticism. I need the courage to continue doing one by one even when I don’t feel like doing it or even when I see no evidence of breakthrough. Sooner or later, I will have the uncomfortable feelings again and when that happens, I need to face it instead of running away from it. 

Doing one by one: which one first and how to do it?

Today I struggled again in making decision. I know that I am not good in multitasking and some studies also show that it is not effective. So do one by one is the option I chose. Next question is which one first? Especially as we are aware that time is not enough to do all things in the list. This is where I often mix up into one and lump two things at the same time, which one to do first and which one not to do (maybe not to do at all). Then I tend to stuck and not doing any part of it. 

The reality that I need to accept is that there is no perfect decision. I know that I have the tendency to regret whatever I decide and that is ok. Or at least it is a separate problem. So it is not realistic to expect to choose an alternative that does not have the down side. This includes on the alternative on how we want to do that work. At the end we just need to choose and stick on that. If it turns out to be wrong and we can still change it, then change it. Otherwise, bear the consequence knowing that the other alternative has similar risk. This is because the thing that I am indecisive typically mean they are similar weight of priorities. Otherwise I will just choose it like there are certain food that I don't eat. It is only when they are ok then I have the problem to choose. So that means they are ok too. Well the priority or the weight may be wrong but that is also a separate problem. Let's do one thing at a time. Remember, the worst alternative is to stand in the middle and not choosing or keep postponing without any clear deadlines.

Guided Art Jamming

Yesterday my team went for a guided art jamming session. It was a good experience for me to observe my feelings and to stop when it is good enough according to my ability.

First, I learned to be less skeptical about arts. I always have the impression that I cannot do it. But the teacher demonstrated within few minutes that it is possible with a simple technique to create something. For yesterday’s acrylic painting, we need to start with the background first before filling up with the details. Then for details like tree, we need to be relax and inaccurate instead of trying to draw a straight line. The last part was that even if we make a lot of mistakes, we can still create something out of it.

Apparently the simple technique is not that simple. I could not repeat what he saw. But that’s where the session was useful. I managed to observe my feelings on how I started to be envious on my colleagues’ works as they draw a nicer one. But then I decided to just enjoy the process of playing with color and do what I can, even when it does not look satisfying.

The happy part was that when I decided to stop as it was good enough according to my ability. It is quite rare as I have the tendency to keep adding things until the last minute. I guess it was the courage to admit where my ability is. Also, to be more relaxed instead of thinking that something is not good enough and loss the enjoyment.

Now the challenge is how I can apply the same process and experience to other areas. Can I say to myself that there is no need to regret what has been done just like the paint was already put on the canvas. Also, to focus on the background and what the essential characteristics and then let go the perfection and enjoy the process.

A Reminder from Heavy Rain

Two days ago it rained heavily in the morning. It helped me to remind on how to respond to my anxiety and uncomfortable feeling. The question is that is it realistic to expect that we can control the weather?

I know the answer that it is not possible for me to stop the rain or vice versa. At least not that I know of. But often I expect that I can change my feeling when it is not comfortable. I even become angry and upset why I feel that way. Drawing the analogy to rain, it is not helpful to be angry when it is raining. What we can do is to know that it is not dangerous in general and we have the choice of staying at home or going out with umbrella. Another thing about rain is that we know that it will stop. But often I treat my uncomfortable feeling as something that is permanent, something that is dangerous and must not happen.

So what I can do is to observe how I am feeling but do not need to try to change it. If it is a happy feeling, remember that it is not always there that I start taking beyond what I am capable of. If it is a sad feeling, there is no need to escape, it will go away by itself. The best action is to stick with daily living and move on as I observe my changing feelings.

Identifying Differences

Last Monday I learned about identifying differences. First, there is difference between thoughts and feeling. Feeling is something that can be described by one word. So if I start to explain things, that is not feeling but they are thoughts. For example, I could not concentrate, my mind keep switching is thought whereas nervous, anxious, stressed are feelings.

Secondly, there are differences between main problem and secondary problem. I have an anxiety challenge which apparently I mixed up into one where they actually consist of two different things. The first anxiety comes from the main issue itself, for example whether I can do a task or complete a slide. The irrational beliefs are something like I must do it well, I must not make mistake, it must be perfect, etc. The second anxiety is triggered when I felt anxious. Instead of accepting, I have another layer of irrational belief such as I must not feel anxious or I must be positive at once, if I cannot change now, then I will never be able to change.

It is important to address the secondary anxiety first. This is to ensure that we allow enough room and space to change. To convince myself that changing ourselves takes time. So it is fine if there are ups and downs. Then we can devote more energy to address the main source of anxiety itself.

This shows that I need to learn to break down things into steps. But then again, I need to ensure that I do not force myself to achive that skill now but instead learn to practice of breaking things down into bit-sized actions.

This week shows that I can indeed stand it

It has been almost a week since the last time I wrote. It was a stressful week as I needed to present twice and created a poster. A lot of times, I said to myself that I cannot stand it. I cannot stand the feeling of not being able to think clearly. I cannot stand the imperfection I have, the low skills that I have that even finding pictures to make visual representation better is a daunting task for me.

But here I am, still alive and survive. I thought this week would be a horrible week. I thought I would perform so badly that I deserve if I lose my job. All the catastrophyizing thoughts that I created myself. One thing that I observe is that I tend to accept my limitations only when the deadline is coming. That is where I decided to let go and just face whatever consequences that are usually far from my worst case scenario.

So the thing that I need to practice is to remember that I can stand the frustration feelings. I need to remember that I can let go when external thing that I cannot change such as deadline imposed by others or something that cannot be postponed such as presentation. It is still quite far to wish that I can impose a self-created deadline and meet it. Somehow my mind has the habit knowing that there is not yet real consequences if I cross my own deadlines. Or perhaps my perfectionism ignores my own deadline. Or maybe I don’t like myself enough to respect the deadline that I have set.

In short, continue remembering that I can stand it. Not just when feeling frustrated but when feeling very attracted to something which leads of overdoing, to simple thing such as feeling very sleepy.

Reflection from organizing team building session

Last August I wanted to organize a farewell for my intern using team building session. But at the end I wavered because there is one colleague who cannot attend and I started to feel bad as other farewell usually does not use team building fund. So I canceled it and moved the team building session this month. It turns out that there are at least 3 people who can't join for all possible dates while the budget is due at the end of this month. 

The reason I capture here is so that I do not feel guilty. Rather, I need to extract the lesson learned and then move on. The lesson is that when most people are available, just go ahead. Stick to the current plan and initial thoughts, avoid being shaken by some additional thoughts. As for now, things have already happened and we can't turn back the time. Look at the alternatives available and then decide one of them. Acknowledge that at the end the decision would not be able to satisfy all people, especially at this stage where more than 2 people are not around. 

Also remember that it is not my main task. So there is no need to worry much about it. Stay focus on my main tasks. 

Accepting Myself

One of the root causes of my stress is being unable to accept the conditions. I wasted much time in hating why I feel stress again. As my wife and best friends told me, there is no use of doing that. I can’t let myself focusing on that. But at the same time, it also does little help by forcing myself not to focus. I need a replacement. I tend to stuck on a point where the feeling comes. Asking why I can’t escape from that is not an action. I need to find alternative solution.

The solution that is within reach, like this afternoon, eat apple cake and ice cream and then went for swimming. The keyword is selectively. At times like this, I tend to want to quit all things just like I want to do all things when I feel good. So to learn from mistakes, I need to selectively quit just as I need to selectively do.

Little actions that can be done also include change my posture to be straight, and then take a deep breath instead of just sigh.

The importance of finding root cause and measurement

When I face issues, I thought the solution is the willpower to change. The problem is when I face those issues, I don't feel like I have enough willpower. I tried to persist but I failed again. 

One of possible reason is that I am not addressing the root cause. Willpower to change is a generic solution which may not address the rootcause. 

For example, the root cause may be that I let myself driven by fear. Another is that I do not have clear ruler on what my priorities are. 

So how can I prioritize when my priority is not defined yet. A measure is needed. Even if it is imperfect measure, it is still better than not having any measure. 

Remember to keep practicing

It is tough. There are many ups and downs today. In general, it is good. It’s just that we need to work hard, perhaps not physically but mentally. It is still easy for me to shout that I can’t take this situation. Once I got back up and concentrated for a while, the tendency is to do many things and forgetting other things. Once I try to strike balance, I become weak and suddenly feel very tired.

Again, the intention is to practice of being aware of my feeling and my thought, convincing myself that I can stand the difficulties. It has been a habit not to strive for what I am interested in or give up too early. I have managed to challenge this, but to make an impact, I need to make it a habit, and building a habit takes time. There are many times today that I am still very critical of myself when there is no clear action on what I can do next. Remember, either rest or if I still strive to do, there is no need to regret what I have done. Find out what is the remaining thing that I can still do, and do it good enough, not more. Tomorrow is not an easy day. But belive in God who has given enough strength and whose power is made full in our weakness.

God’s Help through Strangers

It is still easy for me to fall in a hopeless mood. A small setback or unexpected events could make me feel that life is so difficult forgetting the bright side of it. The truth that I remember is that even when I see and think of no hope, there is actually a secure hope in God.

When I feel hopeless, it is because I am projecting things in a linear way, as in if now is bad, tomorrow will also be bad. Maybe I think not just linear but a state of no change. In reality, things keep change, and I need to learn to be flexible in adapting it. I hate change but these past week there are frequent changes in my schedule that reminds me how unrealistic it is to plan for a day without expecting any sudden change.

Back to the topic, last Wednesday I ate at ABC Brickworks food center. I just finished buying take aways for my colleagues who couldn’t join for lunch and walked back to my table. Once I was seated, there was a lady approaching me speaking in Chinese. Thank God that my colleagues were still there and helped me translate. It turns out that my wallet fell from my pocket somewhere in between the stall and the table. I quickly went back and found it.

It is God’s reminder that kindness still exists. I am really thankful to that unknown lady for telling me even though we are not related in any way. She could just walked off as anyway it seems that she only saw from a distance and not close to the point where I dropped my wallet. The interesting thing was it happened when I was quite stressed.

After I re-commit myself for a long journey of change last Thursday, things are better but the ups and downs are still there. It requires a commitment to stay through and faith to believe that God’s words are true.