It takes time to change

In January this year, I was asked on how many times have I been anxious due to over perfectionism. The answer was in tens of thousands, at least. During that period, I was convinced that it takes a long time to change. But when I saw an immediate change, it seems that I forgot that. I began to take many commitments that are mostly beyond my capacity and ability. As expected, it is bound to have many self-initiated setbacks because of that. 

The problem becomes much worse when I started to blame myself. I was thinking that I should not have done those initiatives in the first place. But the question today was how I know whether I won't take these kinds of commitments even when I was in negative position. 

In short, I have converted the process of change itself into work. I become worried whether I am doing well in changing myself. So I need to remind myself that it is expected that I become down again. It is part of the process of change which takes a long time. The main thing is that I do not give up in practicing the steps to overcome perfectionism. 

How do I know that it's my fault?

I often blame myself that it's my fault when things are not working well. It is easy for me to say I should have done this and that for almost every moment. 

My best friend in office asked me, how do I know? How do I jump into that conclusion that I am at fault? Yes, it may be my imperfection. But does imperfect mean faulty? Also, it may be due to various contributions from others. Or it may be just it takes time to do it right. There is no shortcut for it which means if I cannot do it, then I am a problem. 

Similarly, even if I lose job, does it mean that I am a failure? How do I know that? It may be just because of the economic situation. 

Another thing is how do I know that if I am not at the level or capability that I want, then it's my fault. This is another potential missing link. I often say that I am stressed because I cannot accept where I am now. But if that is the problem, what is the difficulty to change our mind and accept where I am? This again maybe because I jump into conclusion that being in my current state is my mistake. 

So be careful in assessing myself. Avoid jumping into conclusion. When I know there is something that can help, there is no need to judge that it is my fault of not using it earlier. We may simply forget and it is fine. 

Wrong motivations on why I like to help others

I wonder why I like to help others so much as in to postpone my own activities and immediately give help. It turns out that I have wrong motivations for doing that.

First, helping others for something that I can help have less emotional burden. This means that I am free from the high expectation of myself since I know I can do it and anyway the result is not measured against me but to the person whom I help. This is in contrast to if I do my own job where my perfectionism may kick in that the emotional pressure for doing that is much higher. How do I know this? There are two situations which reveals this wrong motivation of mine. The first situation is when the problem is too difficult for me. In this case, I will feel helpless and hate why I know this problem in the first place, an indication that I want to run away from high emotional burden. The second situation is when I am asked to help where my name will be put or there is a possibility of having others reviewing me. For example, I feel stressed when asked to write testimonial letter and when trying to help to lead a prayer meeting. This is because I am afraid that I wrote poorly or lead poorly and creates emotional burden.

Second, I prefer helping others to myself as I have external rewards such as praises from others. Inside, somehow I can also appreciate better when I help others. There is a feeling good created after helping others. In short, there is reward from helping others. This is in contrast when I just do my job. Since it is my job, most probably there is less praises from others. It is fine when we have a system to reward ourselves. Unfortunately I have not developed a habit and compassion to reward myself when I do my own tasks. Usually I will give excuse that I do not know what I like. But to be honest, this is not true. I know that I like praises but it is very difficult to give encouragement to myself.

By identifying these wrong motivations, I hope that I can help myself more. Also, when I help others, hopefully I have the right motivations based on care for others and not for relieving my emotional burden or getting the rewards that I seldom give to myself.

Reacting proportionally

Another thing I realize I need to work on is how to react proportionally. The problems can be divided at least into three situations.

The first situation is where I react constantly, no matter what the context is. It is like an open loop. I just give the same power no matter what is the importance of the task. I just work hard to reach perfection there, whether it is a small test or a big test. In one way it is good. At the same time, it can create unncessary stress when I take things too seriously. Also, it may be wasting of energy to for example do all the cleaning steps when something is already clean.

Secondly is to overreact. People talk about me or others in a way that I don’t like, then I take it personally. While it is just a comment which may not matter much or something that does not have enough support. Or perhaps it is something subjective that we don’t have the right to change people’s perception.

Third is to underreact. It is something important but I don’t spend time enough. This is typically something that need to save or need to do bit by bit, in short prepare in advance. Something that cannot be prepared last minute. Or something that cannot be acquired in one shot but require repetition and practice.

So, let’s react proportionally by defining the outcome and the goal when we do something. Based on that goal, give proportional efforts and reactions.

We need to unload stuffs from our mind

I am currently reading a book called Getting Things Done by David Allen. I learned from there that our mind will remind things that we need to do, usually when we can't do something about them. In other word, our mind doesn't know when is the right time to remind us. That is why when we think of something, usually I think that it should be done now. This distracts me from what I currently do and most of the time results in nothing done. 

Another thing that I often experience is that when I set reminders, somehow I do not feel like doing it. This may indicate that I am not fully clear on what those tasks mean to me. The intended outcome is not clear that perfectionism may also come and cause fear as the standard is high and unclear. 

What to do when I hate myself again

This morning when I woke up, I hate myself again. I just want to run away by keep sleeping and told myself I couldn't do anything good. After 20 minutes, I said to myself that perhaps to change myself is too difficult, but to wake up, to stretch for 5 mins, to take a shower, and to have breakfast is doable. 

That is an example on how I over generalize things when I started to hate myself. If I ask why I hate, it's because the person I am is not up to my own standard. 

There are some illusions there. First, it is as if I can't stand the feeling where actually it is not the first time. Second is because I want to change overnight. So when I couldn't see enough change, I start to hate myself. In other word, I think of the problem more than to think what I can do in that situation. 

This requires humility to seek help and to acknowledge mistakes. However, it is not useful when I try to change overnight. I need to ask again what I can do to improve my humility instead of just hating my pride.  

Relax, the world doesn't depend on me

Recently I learned that a lot of tasks that I have come from myself. 10 years ago maybe I have a considerable amount of tasks from others. Now that I have learned to say no at some contexts, it is time to look at how I generate additional tasks to myself. 

One common area is that I become middle man for free. The middle man can be in many forms. For example, I want to represent my company or my church by replying or making sure that they are well represented in some forum. No one asked. It is just me having some standard as if their wellbeing depends on me while they actually don't. 

Another example is that when others want to say feedback. I sometimes can't take it when others have something to say but do not dare or do not want to say it. This is the time where I have the urge to become a bridge. 

The previous example can be extended even more extreme where I try to become the bridge between a person and himself. What I mean is that sometimes the person say yes to certain task or responsibility beyond his capability and I want to stop it. I want to become the bridge between his desire and his ability. The problem is that it is not in my place and it is not realistic to do that.

Given this reflection, I need to remember that there is no need to dwell too much on what I have done. What I have is the present. Learn from mistakes and move on. And relax, the world doesn't depend on me. 

Undone task is undone

Today I learned again that no matter how long we have delayed them, there are some tasks of which request will come back again. 

There is a task that was given by me on 27 June. After delaying for some time, I managed to present in my asset meeting, but then I delayed the follow up again. It is still in my to-do-list, in the top 10 priority, but I don't feel like doing it. Anyway, people have not asked me. 

Surprisingly, there is another colleague of mine who was not in the loop but today asked me for some data. Not those who requested or who saw my presentation, but another person. It is surprising as I didn't thought at all that someone else may need the data. 

At the same time, it is still quite difficult to manage my time. This morning was good. But after lunch it became more challenging. I was distracted by the non-main task of the day. And it was quite difficult to concentrate back and the time to leave office was already in. 

At the end, I still need to learn the balance of getting things done. What I need to remember that it does not mean that when things are going back, the solution is to rush it. Rushing may not solve the issue, do not jump to the solution. Understand the problem better, like what makes me unable to follow up quickly, is it that the 25-minute system is not in place? Or what caused me to still exceed some boundaries. When I think something is urgent, did I stop for a while to think, and say let me get back to you? Did I write down for 5 minutes what is the intended outcome?

Tomorrow will be challenging. But do not give up, keep fighting. 

How to make myself awake?

Often I feel very sleepy or tired. So the question is how to make myself awake?

The first step is to recognize that I am sleepy or tired and I need to do something. In other word, I need to accept that I am limited and it is normal to feel that way. Without that acceptance, I would be in a denial stage which would guarantee me to fall asleep. There are many times where my wife saw me sitting in front of my laptop dozing off or worse, not able to stand in the MRT. That is what happens when I deny that I feel sleepy. 

Once I accept that I need help, then it is equally important to do something. Sometimes I am over confident by thinking I can stay awake just by will power. But apparently it does not work. It requires more than will power to do that. 

One easy way is to drink coffee, and then if I am really sleepy, I can take a nap for 15 mins while waiting it to take effect. If it is in the meeting, then that's where the will power would be a good complement. 

If it is at home, there is an easier way. Just wash my face. I am still amazed on how powerful it is. Just by washing a portion of us, somehow it feels much better. So the discipline that we need is to take several steps to the washroom and a courage to splash water to my face. 

Of course, there are some situations where one method is not enough. For example, after washing face, it is still possible to fall asleep. So we need to know our limit. If it is really beyond us, then it is a time to sleep. The important thing is that we have tried our best. 

Reluctance in doing something good for ourselves

Somehow I don’t feel like writing. I know that it is very useful, especially after I started reading my own post from the beginning of this year. I also have a lot of things and ideas to write. But somehow it is not automatic to have the desire to write just for five minutes.

It reminds me that it is expected to be reluctant in doing something good for ourselves. So we need to fight for it, we need to learn to balance between being flexible and being consistent. This means that no matter how I am amazed with the power of doing good like having exercise or the pomodoro technique, it still requires a decision to do it. It does not become default.

This is important especially that we tend to forget about it when we are in the mood. Because when we are in the mood, things become automatic. For example, except for a long holiday, I usually have the automatic mindset to take a shower. It is so easy that I will forget it takes an effort to persuade myself to take a shower during holiday, especially for long holiday instead of weekend break.

As I begin this new week, the 39th of this year, let’s remember that I need to consciously decide to maintain the good habits.

Mistakes happen more than once, do not be surprised

Thank God for a day full of learning. In the morning I did not feel the mood for working. I was sleepy when reading the Bible. But after reaching office and pray, I was committed to do something focused for 25 minutes and then stop. It turns out to be enjoyable and I wanted more than 25 mins. This time I really stop at 25 mins, take a break for a while and then continue for another 25 mins. 

I was behind in learning color science and so I was committed to also spend 25 minutes for it. So when one of my meeting canceled, I did that and was satsified. 

After lunch I started to feel moody but tried to focus on one admin task. I found one solution to progress and then stuck for very long. I was frustrated and wanted to give up. Then I decided to commit another 25 mins to do the task I think is important to do today. 

In the midst of doing it, my colleague came and asked a question. It was quite fast but then I was tempted to bring another topic which lasted very long. This was when I felt puzzled why I made several mistakes a day. 

But I tried to focus and completed the task to send an e-mail in the limited time before leaving office. Thank God that I completed it despite I think my e-mail was not clear enough. 

I guess today is an example of a popular quote. It does not matter how many times we fail, the more important is to rise again everytime we fall. 

Taking deep breath and then do it

The past two days have been up and down. Monday evening was very challenging and then yesterday it was great as I only focused on one task. Today I started to handle multiple tasks and attended 2 meetings. It was tougher than yesterday.

There is one thing I have learned in the past one week. When I was afraid to do it, just like the customer survey, take a deep breath and then do it. This is to encourage myself that I can do it even though I could not see how it will turn out. Similarly, today I was shaky in terms of planning. I know I need to focus for one thing to progress. But it was tough remembering that there are many things to do. Thank God that I can still remember to just do it, set a countdown timer for 25 minutes and see how things go. It turns out that once I commit to finish for 25 mins, then I actually want to do more. The difference is that I need to equally remember that it is important to practice word-deed correlation for something small. Since I already said to take a short break, no matter how short it is like 30 sec, I need to do it. It was helpful to stop and then go again just like sometimes we need traffic light to be aware of surrounding instead of continuous highway.

Afterwards it was tough again as I have mixed things to do. One thing remains, to go back to focus again, do it, and be flexible. Accept the things that have happened and move on. At the same time, remember to review my own writings or my day and learn from it to improve better.

Wouldn't I foresee this coming?

I was telling my friend in office that I started to feel stressed again. He asked, wouldn't I foresee this coming?

One of the reasons I told him is that I have difficulty in thinking long term. In other words I have the tendency to say and to decide taking something based on my feeling at that point of time instead of thinking whether I can do it in the long run.

He asked further, does it mean that the pains in the past were not painful or not enough to encourage me to avoid it? That was a good question. Somehow it seems that although I have now the habit to write, I seldom review it. I have an excuse by saying that I do not think it help. But it is still the fact that I have not tried to have a regular time to review and to extract lessons for making decision in the future.

Another interesting point of view was on the discipline. I have the tendency to exceed either the time limit or the number of tasks to do. For example, I often already know that let's say I can only have four things to do in one day. So the suggestion was to really say no to the 5th thing. I was reluctant as that would mean I need to say no for the incoming tasks that are not planned. But again which one do I choose? To become stressed again or to maintain healthy life?

Preparing for Rainy Days

Rainy days, winter, darkness, all can remind us that there are seasons for everything. We cannot live as if the day will always be sunny and warm. At the same time, where those challenging weather and seasons come, we cannot lose hope as if they will not pass.

I just woke up after a long nap. And again I am amazed how things can change. I was so stressed this afternoon and now I feel fine, as if those things were just a dream. It is weird because I still remembered on how I thought things would stay gloomy for the rest of the day.

So I am writing this to remind me that there is always hope. At the same time, I also want to remember to prepare for rainy days. One of my tendency is to go full force when I feel enthusiastic, to tap for every opportunity, every ideas that come. In other word, I don’t prepare for buffer, I don’t prepare tools like umbrella for rainy days or to save food for winter, or to remember that the number of daylight is shorter and so we cannot assume that we still have the same number of hours every time.

This means to hold myself when I am fresh like now, to have realistic expectations that things will not always be like this. Read good books while I can, get things done what I can, prepare for the tools that will allow me to be patient. As a book said, we can only train for patience when things get frustrated. We need to seek God’s grace to be able to see opportunity for character growth in every challenges.

So let’s get up and do what we can. Remember that there will be an end of period like this, but it will also come again.

Is it possible to bounce back?

Last week was a challenging week. There are several times when I became stressed. It was hard to concentrate and I was often angry to myself. It’s as if the challenges in the earlier part of this year happened again. It is not that bad actually given that I am now armed with many good tools. At the same time, it’s hard to fight with the tendency to become stressed.

Yesterday I managed to be focus on what I wanted to do and it was quite good. This morning was also ok. But after I watched a movie, it is hard for me to go back to the working state. Instead, I started to browse through on football news. Which is fine in itself if it is not a form of run away from trying to focus and plan what to do next.

In this period of time, I need to remember that it is not necessary to follow what my feeling is. Just as easy I can fall into stress, it is also quite possible to go back to the focus state again. The key is to be courageous, to accept the fact that it is not easy, but it is attainable.

And when I can’t focus, the question is that what will make I focus again. Is becoming angry able to do that? If not, there is no need to be angry to myself. Keep finding other alternatives. Acknowledge the fact that I have difficulties in looking for long-term when it comes to implementation. Remember that it is okay to be an average person. We don’t have to be one of the best.

So is it possible to bounce back? Yes. Is it easy? No. It requires hard work and requires us to encourage our heart that it is okay to be ‘rejected’ in terms of failing into reaching our goal. We do not always get a success. But keep trying, leave the hope alive that it will be done when we keep trying to do it.

Continually switching mind on what to do next

Yesterday and today I can become stressed in just few hours. Yesterday evening was stressful, today was ok, but now I feel stressed again. And the surprising thing is that now is considered as a period with low load. But perhaps that is the very reason I get stressed. When things are very busy, I was forced to focus on the most urgent thing. This is unlike the case where there is no pressing thing. This is time where I need to make decision on what to do next. And that’s where I often fail. After getting a lot of help, at least now I know what to do next. But the problem is that I continually switch my mind on what to do. It’s as if I could not commit on doing the thing that I have decided to do. I still look back and side. I have not given all on the task, and then start considering whether I should do the other thing.

The good thing is that I can still focus sometimes. But the focus is also too long that I unconsciously blame myself, as if I will say that, look, when you focus, you end up spending too much time. Isn’t it better to be keep switching the mind so that we are not spending the time too long?

One possible way that may help is to reduce the number of things to do. But how can I do that when I am easily excited to sign up for additional work? The rate of the things that I sign up is more than the amount of things I can take.

And again, the issue is similar to the one mentioned in the counseling session, I want the change to happen fast and right now - this is something that backfires. For example, today I managed to say no to my impulsiveness three times, in the morning about the image enhancement algorithm, in the noon about the autism talk, and one more that I forget. The thing is that there are some successes. It’s just that I still fail. Isn’t normal? Given that I have been facing this issue not just in the past 8 years  but longer. So I need to reduce my expectation and remind myself that change doesn’t happen overnight. It is in this difficult time that I need to remember the small good habit such as this 5-minute writing habit.

Difficulty in Concentrating

Today is my first day going back to office after a 3-day-and-2-night holiday. Somehow I have not been able to focus yet. I think one of the reason is because I haven’t decided where I want to look to. Imagine that you have a camera and you want to focus, you can’t keep it focused if you keep moving the camera - unless it is a video camera. But for normal camera, you need to look at some place first before we are able to focus.

So, when I am back to office and look at the long to-do-list, I became waver again. I become shakened and distracted with the amount of possibilities that I want to do. Another thing is to let go. I have done the planning of the day and order the possible sequence of things to do. But somehow I do not feel like doing the first item on the list. So I need to make decision whether to stick to that list or create a new list. I need to understand that it is not realistic to keep switching my mind. At the end, we are just a human that is limited. Also, we need to lump in order to live. So there is no point of keep refining the resolution of the category before doing it. We can just choose and move on.

I am not sure whether I can do it. And in this kind of time, usually i buckle down. I need to remember the experience on how God has opened  me. For example, the motorbike lesson has given me the experience that as long as we keep practicing, the thing that we thought hopeless previously can come true. So I am not sure whether after this I can do it again. But keep note that when I fall, move back up again and continue again.

Bangkok

It's great that I finally get the chance to see Bangkok in person. I had great food and more importantly experience the cultural differences.

My wife and I ate at her favorite Thai restaurant which is Som Tam Nua. It was really nice and I got to try the menu that is less common in Singapore. The dessert called strawberry dome at neighboring shop was also interesting. We managed to eat bake cheese tart of which queue is very long in Singapore.

I was impressed by the taxi stand at the airport where we are given queue ticket indicating the Lane of our taxi, something that is more manual in Changi. But few hours later we found ourselves waiting for more than 1 hour at Siam Paragon due to inefficient taxi queuing system. The taxi drivers were picky but the mall officer only check the destinations of the first two passengers in the queue. So once the destination is not desirable, there will be empty cabs passing by as both the drivers and the mall officer did not check with the rest of the queue. At the same time, I learn not to generalize quickly as the officer at the EmQuartier was very good. He gives handwritten tickets so that he knows where all queue members want to go. Also, he asked us to go to the mall across the road once he saw our destination as the taxi drivers do not typically want to make U-turn in a jammed road.

We also managed to go to Chatuchak that is only open on weekend and Asiatique Riverfront market that is open only at night. Both are nice places to visit and shop.