Be Careful of My Self-Centeredness

It is a great blessing to be positive and passionate about life and what I do. At the same time, as I become excited for many things nowadays, I need to be careful of my self-centeredness.

It is a grace that I can overcome the anxiety and now becoming relax and more risk-taking. At the same time, I need to remind myself over and over that whatever I do, there is a consequence to it, and often it’s not me who bear the consequence but other people.

Just like last Saturday when I was trapped watching the first episode of Descendents of the Sun that I didn’t eat the cupcake my wife has provided. I was also late for the scheduled time to leave the house. When I said sorry, apparently I didn’t know how to say sorry sincerely. It’s as if I’m sorry that I’m not sorry. That is because my sorry is to my own self of why I made such a mistake, and not a sincere sorry that I make my wife upset.

Two days ago the same self-centeredness came. I was on MC and so could take a nap while my wife didn’t have the same privilege. So it was my self-centeredness when I became excited on my work that I slept late.

I need to be careful that a wrong thing is still wrong even in the name of being excited and passionate. As the founder of the Foundation said, we need to care less about ourselves and care more about other people and the painful problems they face. Otherwise, we will be occupied by our fear, our inability, our limitations, our inexperience, and so forth.

So it’s good to be excited, it’s good to have many ideas. But at the same time, I need to learn to tone it down and do the realistic thing, not the idealistic one.

Short Getaway

Saturday, 23 Apr 2016 at 7.49 pm (GMT+7)

Time to write again after several days without writing here. To be exact, to type using thumb as this is done via handphone.

The beauty of writing is in its ability to capture the seemingly messy thoughts and to unload some of them from my mind.

There are many topics to type on. But let's choose the easiest, short gateaway as today my wife and I go to Batam.

There are at least three things to learn and enjoy in a trip, even it is a short one.

First is to embrace uncertainty. A trip always prepare a break from our routine and it creates doubts. For example, we could only book tickets but have to pay on the spot which means it is not fully confirmed and I learn to trust the ferry provider. Also, we wanted to watch movie, go to karaoke, go for massage and shop. We are not sure which one is possible as we do not make any bookings.

Second is to be flexible. We need to see the situation and change the plan accordingly. We shortened the karaoke and the massage time so that we still have time to shop.

Third is to learn different ways of communication. Although we speak the same language, we have different way of thinking and the way to express ourselves. Two encounters illustrate this point. One was when I argued why we can't leave our belongings in the supermarket compulsory concierge and come back again there. Perhaps in the first place I didn't see the point of such compulsory storage for non-handbag items. If it is for customer convenience, then isn't fulfiling the purpose if I leave there? Or why not provide lockers and charge the customers who really want to use? If it is for anti-terrorist, then storing there are dangerous in the first place. If if is to prevent theft inside the supermarket, why not use mustafa method which seal the bag and later on just need to provide scissors to cut (unless they are very concerned of the excessive use of plastic ties). The second encounter is the taxi driver. We requested for an extra itinerary but we made mistake for not asking the price as he said it was close. Apparently it tripled the original price. We thought it is ok as he would be the one sending us back to the harbour. But later on we only find that it was only for the morning trip and we need to pay for the evening trip again.

Ok, time to stop as we have reached. Thank God for the great trip, we enjoyed it much and learnt a lot too.

Lessons from attending wedding

It was great to attend our friends’ wedding yesterday. Glad to see both of them united in Christ as a new family. It is also refreshing to listen on sermon about marriage and how to keep the commitment that we have made in the marriage.

It’s a good reminder to see that marriage is a three-way contract. It’s not only between the husband and the wife, but also between each of us and God. That is why the pastor asked the same question to each of the couple, whether they are willing to live faithfully to one another and love each other in sickness and health, in sorrow and joy.

Also, the theme was yielding to God’s plan in marriage and life. The sermon reminded that the first step is to discern what God’s plan in our marriage. That is tough. But the second step is even much tougher, that is given that we know God’s plans for us, are we willing to follow them on top of our own personal dreams?

There will be sure many ups and down in life including marriage. So how much we want to involve God and believe that God can work in all things in our good? How much do we want to spend the efforts to keep growing? As we are more into the marriage, we will have higher tendency to take things for granted and stay the same, which may not be what God’s wants.

Sounds tough. But the good news is that we just need to improve bit by bit, it is not necessary to change over night even if it is possible. Also, there are still many weddings to attend which will again act as a milestone to check our progress.

We decide when it’s over

That’s a quote from Jurgen Klopp last year. Yesterday his team proved that they decide when it’s over. When it seemed impossible to proceed to the next round as they needed a win while the score was 1-3. However, they showed a strong spirit and keep pressing till the end that they managed to make the score 3-3 and then during the injury time, it became 4-3.

It reminds us to hope when it’s hopeless, to never give up until the end.

It is to believe that every situation is unique. So even though we failed many times, this time we may not fail, what we need to do is just to keep trying. When we’ve given up, that’s when it’s over. Otherwise, it is not over yet.

At the end the result may not be favorable, but at least we have given our best. That is the one which counts.

In my life, it may not be a clear cut game like this. But the essence is the same, do we let the circumstances decide for us? Or do we consciously make decisions to continue and move on.

When I forgot what I want to say

I was thinking to write something today, even a title was made. But I forgot. So does it mean that I stop writing until I can remember that? No.

There are many things we can write about. So why not just take one and capture those memories before those are forgotten.

For the first time after several years, I try to budget the time before starting to work. I allocated a block of 30 minutes or 1 hour for the tasks that I want to do in a day. In that way, I would see that how much thing I can do today especially when there is no more space to create a new block.

The last time I did that, it failed badly because I could not accept failures. The more I plan the more failures I had and that’s why I hated doing it.

Now with a different understanding on how we can respond to the same failures, it is the time to start again. Now I am not that afraid of failures. I now that I can get back again. I also know that the impact of failures are actually not big, we can stand it and life goes on. Another important point is that even if we fail, it is not worse than the current situation where I don’t plan at all.

Just having 1 day data today, overall it was good. I failed to meet several blocks, but I also completed several blocks as planned. So it is overall good as because of this system, I can complete several items. Usually I will also complete several items in the past 1 month where I started doing anything that is easier or that comes up to my mind first. But the added value today is those I did are with higher priorities, those that I decide is more important. So I am glad that some important things are completed today.

See, 5 minute is over and I managed to write something that is not planned, but good enough :).

Lessons from Practical Test

Today I learnt a lot from my second practical test. First, I learn that we can be affected by other people’s mistakes. Second, it’s good to move on. Third, some things cannot be learned last minute. Fourth, small things matter.

In this world, we don’t always suffer due to our own faults. It is possible that we got negative impacts from other people’s mistakes. For example, I was riding comfortably and queuing for the traffic light when somebody hit from the back that my bike fell. It was a small hit at low speed but I got little swollen due to it. At the same time, it also reminds me that other people can suffer because of my mistakes. For example, my wife suffered a lot waiting for me to finish phd due to the mistakes I did both before the phd journey and during the journey itself.

When things happen, we have the choice to move on. I am glad that I moved on for the warm up session, brought ice pack to compress my leg while waiting for the test and did the test as planned. Also, during the the test there were some mistakes but I carried on and continue giving my best.

Although I was riding comfortably, I still failed. There was a significant improvement from 40 points last year to 30 points today, but still far above the threshold of 18 points. Some things just cannot be learned last minute. I wanted to cramp myself with theories from the book last night. It was a good thing that I chose not to do it as my mistakes today are more of habit than cognitive knowledge.

What caused me to fail? Again, those are small things added which become big. I was satisfied my ride today. But apparently there were still those small things such as wobbling, wide turn, sharp turn, poor acceleration that end up to be big. I was also loosen too much by not slowing down more during the narrow plank.

Overall, I am happy with the process and result today. My objective when taking the lesson was to be able to overcome the fear of falling and I have come a long way to be able to get back up and move on like today. Thank you God for Your grace.

Applying optimization in daily life

I learn from one of my supervisors a good example on how to apply what we know into our daily life. When I asked him about travel routes that he usually takes as for my reference, he asked me back what is my objective that I want to optimize. Yes, optimization. It is a topic that I have studied for very long. Decision making is also a topic I have given a seminar on. So why not implement it in my travel plan.

For an optimization to be possible, we need a clear objective. In this case, my objective is to maximize my wife’s happiness. We also need to be aware of the constraints such as the budget. Another consideration is whether there is any other point such as visiting any of the theme park would score more points and that the utility of my wife on the number of cities will decrease after certain number of cities due to the tiredness. Last, but most importantly, we need to know what are the decision variables. In this case, this means the airline company, the route to reach the starting point of the travel, and the sequence among the cities to be visited.  

Another thing to consider is that whether we consider all possible alternatives or only the alternatives that we can think of. If the latter is true, then we need to acknowledge that whatever we get, it may be near optimal solution, instead of the true optimal solution. At the same time, we don’t want to dwell so much to find the true optimal solution as the cost of getting it may not be worth the extra efforts to thoroughly consider all the possible alternatives. In other word, good enough solution is fine.

How much am I willing to keep growing up?

Today I watched Actor School, a Korean variety show. There, the students were given challenges that push their limits every day. In one of the session, it was a simple task of running back and forth. The initial limit was 60 seconds which everyone managed to do. But the limit was pushed down more and more that it seem to be impossible for them to do it. They worked hard and somehow they managed to do it. The action mentor said that this show how often we did not use our potential. The question is that whether each of us is willing to keep growing up.

I thought I like to learn but apparently it’s not the same as growing up. Learning is not necessarily equal to growing up as sometimes we learn without applying. We don’t push ourselves, we don’t try to change something with the knowledge we have. We know we can do it, but we don’t do it.

So the question is how much am I willing to keep growing up? Is it only a little that when things get tough, then I give up? I saw how those students in the actor school cried, physically exhausted, physically fell down and rolled down on the floor. Do I have the same spirit?

Am I humble enough to grow up? To face the gruesome feeling of some problems or to run away from those pain either by not doing anything or becoming angry to those causing the problems?

Two days ago was my last counseling session for this year. It was great to see all the progresses I have made. In fact, I need to learn to give myself rewards. At the same time, the question is whether I want to spend the efforts to keep growing or stop here. Am I willing to practice something that I don’t master it now. For example, the suggestion was to plan ahead and allocate the hours to do the scheduled activities together with the buffer time for unexpected activities. Usually I don’t want to do them as it will expose me to more failures when I could not follow those schedule. Now that I learn the danger of the all-or-nothing thinking, am I brave enough to try again? Am I courageous enough to face the pain of growing up?

Counting the blessings

As I look back into the past 3 months, God’s grace is so abundant. Be it the 5 hours of counseling session, all the exposures and experiences, they were just amazing. The continuous support from my wife is amazing too. I could not believe that I can progress so much in the past three months.

Of course there are still many things to improve such as the time management and priority, on how we can make timetable or plan consciously so that someday it can be unconscious too just the way I am now using the rational emotive behavior therapy.

But let’s cherish the progress God has granted. From the courage to rent a car & drive, getting the license, trying new things, building habits, those are the things I am thankful of. It was also amazing that I could submit the draft of the paper before the deadline and last night I was able to revise again. Two out of 3 tasks were on time. It was only the last part that dragged me very long. Something that for sure we can improve as we continue to make the efforts.

Also in the office, I was also amazed on how my colleague asked several questions yesterday that today I am prepared for sharing the same contents for more audience.

It was also great that these two days, although I still sleep less, the patterns were much better than last time where I kept trying to wake up at midnight or early in the morning with failures.

I am now feeling sleepy. Sure, as this is the natural consequences of not having full rest for two consecutive days. So let’s aim to sleep earlier today.

Let’s also do one by one, and start implementing the quick plan before doing something.

Five hours that change my life

Cool title. It has both the not so long story and the long story behind it.

In short, it is true that the five counseling session that I went is very helpful. It somehow is able to change my mindset on how we can set realistic expectation on the change itself, and that we need to build good habits to replace negative habits including anxiety. It also gives me understanding on the vicious cycle of perfectionism.

It reminds me that something that look relatively short can change the way we think. I am about to sign up for a mentorship program that look short, 6x1 hours within 6 months. But as I recall back about the counseling sessions, isn’t similar in terms of the duration. So something that is small or short apparently can be used by God for His plan to mould us.

At the same time, it also reminds that it is not as simple like that. By five hours, it means the time of talking and understanding. But apart of those five hours, there is a consistent good habit that needs to be built. If we just do the five hours, I don’t think I can change. It was the good habits that were learned conceptually and committed during the session which catalyzed the change in me.

So the challenge is still real even as I have improved. For example, just now I wasted some time searching for run event just because there happens to be a corporate discount for that. Thank God that I can stop and continue the plan to do several things tonight again.

Limiting Beliefs

As one month has passed, I am grateful to God for the improvements that are obvious. The question would then whether I make these improvements another limiting belief in the sense that I must always improve.

It was great to improve and to be excited. But it does not mean that I must live with those accomplishments. God alone is enough and therefore there is no need to cling on something too hard.

This means I need to watch out for this tendency for a limiting belief. It can be in form of fear to start something simply because I want it to be nice and good and those become a must. It can also be in form of difficulty to stop in the sense that I can’t stand to stop halfway or at a certain range. This is also applicable in watching TV. There is nothing wrong that I want to watch certain TV series. But it becomes limiting belief when I must watch it no matter the circumstances are. For example, today is the deadline of the paper. Although I want to watch TV, it is not a must. I can let it go and skip one or two episodes and watch it again. There is nothing wrong if being lagging behind. It’s either we jump or we can set up a separate time to catch it up.

Also, talking about the paper itself. The goal is to submit the paper. So it does not mean that all ideas must be included. If I have time, I can correct it. Otherwise, we can fix it at a later date.

One thing important is to observe on what’s happening. Today it was an insightful day learning from what the customer said, what the sales team said, and what the quality team said. It was also fun watching my patience to be tested by my colleague in terms of explaining things. It was not perfect, but I am happy that I was aware that my tone went up and then decided to use paper to explain instead of just verbally, while also acknowledging that some of my arguments were also not accurate.

Another good point today is that I was supposed to write an update of the past one month. I was tempted to go through my daily writings one by one. But thank God that I finally decided to just write whatever I can remember instead of going the write-ups one by one.

Being Patient is Hard

It is difficult to be patient. Whether it is to ourselves or to other people. Today I experienced both.

First is to myself. I want to do things faster but apparently the speed is not enough. It has improved a lot. It is just that it is not enough according to my standard. There are so many things on my to do list. Thank God that I am now not so stressed about them. At the same time, I still have the desire to complete them that it is still hard for me to let go and acknowledge that some won’t be able to be done as our time is limited and there are more important things to do.

Second is to others. I thought I am patient enough, apparently not. My friend told me why not presenting certain idea. I immediately brushed of by saying that even if I explain, people may not care or may not understand. Also, it takes time for people to understand, so if they are not interested, why bother to talk about them. It’s not wrong. It is just that I started to be shaped by my surroundings with some rules behind the assumptions. For example, last week I learned that people change. So it is not true that if they cannot understand now, there is no use to explain about the topic.

Also, it can be seen from my tone of voice. I started to be impatient as I am frustrated why people could not support my idea. It is okay if it is intended. But that one was without control. I did not want to but I was frustrated inside as I know my solution is not perfect, but I also don’t see other better solution. So I started to insist on my idea instead of being calm knowing that the solution will eventually come if we keep searching.

After this, I will revise my draft of paper. So let’s use it as a further practice of being patient.

My unbelief despite God’s abundant evidences

It is hard to depend on God. We know that we need to trust God. But living it out is much more difficult than understanding it. Even on the simple things.

I want to buy flight tickets and there is an ongoing promotion which will end on 5 April. I now exactly that if God willing, I will be able to go. But it seems hat I want to secure it as soon as possible with any means. My credit card statement cycle happens to be on 10th of the month. So I know that if I want to optimize the cashback, I need to buy after the 10th. But my fear is not getting another good price is higher than that God-given logic.

I tried to search many flights yesterday to find none can match the promotion. So I become even more convinced that I must buy the ticket today even if it means troubling my friend who has the required credit card for the promotion although he will fly overseas tomorrow.

This morning, there is an alternative from my wife’s email. I opened the link to find out that yes it is cheaper or even better but does not include the travel period of interest.

When she reminds me that there is no need to buy today, I try to rationalize my fear. Thank God that somehow I manage to find another airline that gives similar price and there is no particular deadline.

It is only God’s grace that He keeps giving me the evidence for not worrying too much. Amazingly, my unbelief is not the first time it happens. There are many other circumstances which I fail to believe Him. Even I am not sure whether I can remind myself the next time I need to buy the ticket. Our efforts and God’s guidance are intertwined, the question is whether we choose to trust Him when there is unnecessary fear coming.

Tiredness

Feeling tired is a good thing as it reminds us to rest. It reminds us about the reality that we are limited both emotionally and physically. No matter how happy or passionate we are, we will feel tired either emotionally or physically when we keep doing things. There is time to work and there is time to rest.

Imagine if we can’t feel tired. We will continue working on and on, or perhaps playing on and on. Feeling tired is a signal to stop before it is too late. When we keep moving, we may be sick. So being tired prevents us to get sick too easily. It is also a miracle that somehow because we feel tired, we will rest, and then we will be refreshed.

It is also a reminder that we can’t do everything. At the end, we need to choose which one is more important. It helps us to ask for help from other people. It also encourages us to think alternative ways to do things which will be less tiring.

And the most important, it reminds us on the need to seek God as He is the only One who can give us ultimate rest.