It’s been 4 months!

It’s been 4 months! Today is exactly 4 months since my daughter was born. These last 3.5 months were tough as I gave in to my tendency of perfectionism, procrastination, and anxiety. So it is an appropriate time to ask what do I really want? I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter and my wife has been taking care of her most of the time. On the other hand, I have been focusing too much on my self, my pride, and my performance. I keep comparing myself with my ideal self and other people. I keep hating myself for not living up to my expectation. I keep relying on my own strength and forget about God on whom we can have hope. So I often said to myself there is no hope that I can get better again. I keep emphasizing that I have tried this and that but none works. For example, in the past one week I managed to jog in 5 of 7 days. But instead of celebrating it, I point it out that things have not changed for the better. I resort to stoning or withdrawal whenever faced with tough situations whether at work or in taking care of my daughter. When I start moving, I spent more time than required to distract myself and end of scolding myself of not finishing other things. In short, it has been 4 months but there is no way out. That is true if I keep relying on my own strength. So fix my eyes on Jesus. Rely on His strength. Remember that we supply the willingness, God supplies the strength. Fix on Jesus, not on the immediate results. Remember both the stories in the Bible and illustrations that point out that even though things may not change, there is something changing in ourselves and God will make things beautiful in His time. So, would tomorrow or this coming week better in terms of results? Most probably not. Would it be better in terms of feeling? Maybe not too. But can it be better in terms of relying on God? Yes, that is something I can decide. I can decide to give my best to God and let Him do the rest.