I still do not know what to do

I often say that I know my problems exactly and know what I should have done. It is just that I don’t do what I should do. Few months ago my mentor helped me to acknowledge that it is equal to not knowing what to do. Today my best friend in office also reminded me that if we understand, then we will do it. So the fact that I don’t do means that I still do not know what my problem really is and the corresponding solution.

Also, to be honest, my analysis of what my problem is also not consistent. At one time, I say I hate myself that I unconsciously try to prove to myself that I can’t or to bring something harmful in the long run. At the other time, I see that I love myself, my thoughts, and my feelings so much that I ignore what is right and rational. I then try to classify that I love myself in the short term so much that I ignore what will happen in the long term. But even if that is correct, I still do not know how to break it.

I was asked a simple question, what one small thing can I do to love my ideal self more? That was because I tried to stop my ideal self or ignore my ideal self when he scold me but it did not work. So the idea is how to handle him better. So far my answer is to treat him as a difficult third person just the way I treat others. For example, give him space to angry without taking things personally.

At times, I want to give up, at other times, I am so arrogant as if I know everything. When one suggest something, I treat it as an ultimate solution as if my problem can be addressed from one angle. It is difficult for me to acknowledge that there are so many different angles to tackle. And it is hard to stop writing here as if I can generate more insights if I write longer.

Ultimately, it is hard for me that truly only Jesus can save me and can make me have both the willingness and strengths to change.