Celebrate God’s goodness

Today in general is a good day. By God’s grace, I was quite calm to handle different tasks one by one. But as the day goes and I got things done several items, my expectations arise higher and higher to the point that I become stressed again. I was stressed as I started to see that I could perform and expect more from myself. It is so easy to forget on how difficult it was for me to get 1 thing done in a day. But now as I can see several simple things get done, I want to have more and more.

In Max Lucado’s book of Anxiety for Nothing, there is an acronym of CALM. C is for Celebrate God’s goodness. I think I need that. Time is always limited, no doubt. We cannot finish everything that we want. So the choice is ours whether we want to be thankful or want to be grudging. For example, three things I am thankful today is the courage to contact people about the meeting agenda this Thursday, the chance to have lunch with several colleagues in a more relax way instead of forcing myself to keep talking, and handling things one by one.

At the same time, I got a reminder that when people remind me or give feedback, it is out of their care and not for me to take personally. I guess my tendency to react negatively is there due to my pride. As I become better, I kind of expect people to appreciate it and give me more space. So when I receive feedbacks to improve on, I become defensive as I wanted to do them perfectly and because I feel I have done a lot. May God give me the humility to see that actually even when my feeling improves, often the quality or the speed of work do not. So there is no need to demand for acknowledgement. More importantly, even if it is not just feeling, it is not right to demand other people’s acknowledgement or understanding. Remember, we do things not to please people but to please God.

Recognizing my irrational beliefs

Recognizing my irrational beliefs

Last Friday I received many of God’s grace in form of advice from my counsellor and my best friend in office. 

With my counselor, I continue to recognize my irrational beliefs of either I cannot change or I can change immediately. Things are often not black and white and there are spectrum between them. From the objective standard, maybe my improvement is still not good enough as I have many overdue items. At the same time, from a middle perspective, we can see a good enough progress as I have improved. So we discussed in more detailed on what has helped me progress and how to use them more often.

The question to consider is how to implement both the newly learned skills and the existing skills for the upcoming tasks. We talked about identifying the helpful and unhelpful parts of each of my seemingly negative self-talk. Apparently in each of negative self-talk, we can still extract the helpful part of the intention. For example, changing immediately has the component of maintaining the desire to fully recover. The irrational belief is then to force it now and using certain method while it may take much longer time and various methods addressing the irrational belief from different angle. In addition, implementing existing skill of asking what is good enough will be essential. The irrational belief is that to have everything perfect or that the resource is unlimited. In actual, we are limited by many things and addressing good enough maybe the best we can do. 

In office, my best friend helped me find out my irrational belief. I often think that if I still owe a lot of things, then I cannot expect other people to deliver their job. My best friend pointed out that it is an arrogant behavior. Because it means that if someday I can do my job well, it justifies me to expect other to deliver their job. In actual, they are not related. Even when I do many wrong things, wrong is still wrong and so we need to remind people to do what is right. So think less of myself, think what someone need to deliver and ask honestly. Yes, we do not force, but we need to ask what is required from them. Similarly, even if I do my job well, it is not related on whether we can be angry if someone is not doing our job. The response needs to be the same regardless of our behavior. And remember, our job is to say what is right, not to change them for I can only change myself.  

Another of my irrational belief is to relate between my faith and my state of depression. I always correlate them while it is actually possible that they are not related. Because it is possible to be depressed and yet to have faith in God who always cares for us. Similarly, it does not mean that when I feel less depressed, my faith becomes stronger. It may also be the case where I start to be dependent on my own strengths, experiences, and skills that my faith diminishes. 

This morning reminds me not to draw conclusion prematurely. I was so happy when I could catch the bus immediately after coming out of home as the next one, 8 mins later, would mean I will miss the last shuttle bus to office. Apparently that brings a kind of disaster. I missed two last shuttle buses because they are full due to higher traffic this morning, then missed two public buses and waited another 12 mins from the last bus that I missed. So it is like if I miss the bus from home, I may reach office at 9.15 am while I reached office at 9.50 am today. But similarly, I may conclude that today would be a bad day as I reached office late. Apparently by God’s grace, I could concentrate better and today in general it is a good day. Well, it does not mean that this week will be a good week. The more important thing is to be thankful of each of God’s grace that I encounter and continue to be dependent on God’s future grace. 

Long term horizon

Yesterday and today I feel again the uncomfortable feelings of which I want to escape. I was angry to myself yesterday before dinner and another after dinner. This morning I delayed waking up several times that I missed the last shuttle bus to office without valid reason such as the need to watch my daughter last week. Then I felt inadequate when talking to colleagues as my programming skills have not improved over the years. Then I did not do much today in office. The last 2 hours was better but still I did not deliver any single item that was planned.

Then my best friend in office asked what is my time horizon for improvement when I complain I have been off in setting the planning in advance every night. I said at most within two months I wanted to improve which is already exceeded. So he reminded me that it can be in terms of years.

I guess that is one more thing to change my mindset. I often want to fix my issues first before performing certain tasks. So it is either improved soon or I don’t complete the tasks if otherwise. The more rational approach is to still do the tasks while the improvement is in progress including if the improvement is not yet observable. Just like my fellow believer in office said, I can still be crippled and move forward in God, just like Jacob did. So no need to wait until I am fully recovered. In fact remember the Word that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness.

The Gift of Limits

I am really overwhelmed by limits as I act as if there are no limits in this world. Today I am too busy to do the things in my to-do-list. This means that my priorities are different than what I actually do.

In this situation, I am usually angry as my ideal self is frustrated by my slowness. At the same time my afraid self will create imagination of future threats that I become anxious.

So let’s remember today’s sermon on five loaves and two fish. Our job is to give what we can and let Jesus multiplies them for His glory.

As there are limits, I pray that I acknowledge them instead of hating them. Limits remind us to depend on God. May I live and decide wisely.

At the same time I will fall as I still rebel to the current situation. In those situations, I will become down. So let’s appreciate the gift of limits by accepting the situation, check what we can do and move forward

What is good enough?

Today I met my counselor. One key takeaway is to ask what is good enough in doing things? What is the objective? What is good enough to meet that objective?

This is because of my perfectionism has been too much that it paralyzes me. I either distract it by doing something else or excuse myself by stoning - as if sticking to the task but stoning is better than switching other tasks.

The vicious cycle continues when I apply perfectionism in my progress - either I progress and change immediately or I don’t want to do. So what is good enough step for now?

There are two, one is how do I love my ideal self more? And how can my ideal self deal with its unhelpful part?

My tendency is to hate back my ideal self when he is angry to me. I want to eliminate that unhelpful part of ideal self. But it is like two sides of coin, it comes together. So one way is to acknowledge his anger, giving him space for angry without taking things personally. It is like yes you can be angry and it is understandable but we still need to get this done. Remember that ideal self helps to maintain the quality. So let him handle the unhelpful part of forcing myself to get the best quality and find the sweet spot of good enough to progress.

Just like this writing, it is not perfect. But it is good enough to capture today’s session.

I still do not know what to do

I often say that I know my problems exactly and know what I should have done. It is just that I don’t do what I should do. Few months ago my mentor helped me to acknowledge that it is equal to not knowing what to do. Today my best friend in office also reminded me that if we understand, then we will do it. So the fact that I don’t do means that I still do not know what my problem really is and the corresponding solution.

Also, to be honest, my analysis of what my problem is also not consistent. At one time, I say I hate myself that I unconsciously try to prove to myself that I can’t or to bring something harmful in the long run. At the other time, I see that I love myself, my thoughts, and my feelings so much that I ignore what is right and rational. I then try to classify that I love myself in the short term so much that I ignore what will happen in the long term. But even if that is correct, I still do not know how to break it.

I was asked a simple question, what one small thing can I do to love my ideal self more? That was because I tried to stop my ideal self or ignore my ideal self when he scold me but it did not work. So the idea is how to handle him better. So far my answer is to treat him as a difficult third person just the way I treat others. For example, give him space to angry without taking things personally.

At times, I want to give up, at other times, I am so arrogant as if I know everything. When one suggest something, I treat it as an ultimate solution as if my problem can be addressed from one angle. It is difficult for me to acknowledge that there are so many different angles to tackle. And it is hard to stop writing here as if I can generate more insights if I write longer.

Ultimately, it is hard for me that truly only Jesus can save me and can make me have both the willingness and strengths to change.

What do I want?

This question keeps popping up when talking to my friend as I shared my struggle to him. His feedback is my direction is not clear. Sometimes I just want to escape from difficult situations. Some other times I just want to improve without clear target or objective. The similar trend is that I seem to follow my feeling instead of sticking to what I want or the targeted objectives.

Usually I will then answer that I only have the unrealistic objective which is to master something in a short time without much efforts or pains. Or I will say that the objective is to do everything perfectly. Or I will say my goal is to be accepted by everyone. The problem is that I know they are unrealistic but not let them go & find a more realistic objective. In addition, it is hard for me to separate between feelings and direction or implementation. When I feel bad, I do not do. But what is the relationship between feeling bad and not doing the task. Isn’t possible to feel bad but yet still doing our task.

I can turn everything into perfectionism, even in making a specific to do list or a specific goal. So my help can only come from God. Whatever we do, we do it for the Lord. As I struggle even to find my specific objectives, may I remember that the healthy and right goal is to please God. And that is not because we can control God as we are already saved by God in Jesus’ death for us. When I tell lies to myself, remember there is no condemnation for those in Jesus. So let the goal be to fix my eyes on Jesus and be satisfied in Him and be closer to Him.

Take a step back

That’s what my doctor said. He reminded me that it is possible to recover and it needs time. When my performance feels like everything, step back, remember what is the most important.

Aside from that, I guess I need to remember three things in taking a step back.

First, count the blessings. As expected, yesterday was tough in office and even today things are piling up as I am not in the office. But remember to count God’s blessings. For example yesterday and today I could jog. Then I could have lunch and tea break with my wife today. Also, yesterday and today I received encouragements to move forward.

Second, be aware of distractions. It is very easy for me to be distracted. Like the sermon two days ago, we are often distracted and do things that are not the most important. It already happened both at home and at work too where I busy doing things that are not really necessary.

Third, bring good news to myself. I hate my ideal self who often scould me. So two applications of good news are forgive myself who cannot meet the expectation of ideal self and forgive ideal self despite his harsh words. Think how I can love my ideal self a little more despite my fear of his scolding. And think how to help ideal self for his unhelpful part, that he can encourage me without self-sabotaging myself.

In each of the step forward, remember, our only job is to rely on God, and not on my own ways.

It’s been 4 months!

It’s been 4 months! Today is exactly 4 months since my daughter was born. These last 3.5 months were tough as I gave in to my tendency of perfectionism, procrastination, and anxiety. So it is an appropriate time to ask what do I really want? I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter and my wife has been taking care of her most of the time. On the other hand, I have been focusing too much on my self, my pride, and my performance. I keep comparing myself with my ideal self and other people. I keep hating myself for not living up to my expectation. I keep relying on my own strength and forget about God on whom we can have hope. So I often said to myself there is no hope that I can get better again. I keep emphasizing that I have tried this and that but none works. For example, in the past one week I managed to jog in 5 of 7 days. But instead of celebrating it, I point it out that things have not changed for the better. I resort to stoning or withdrawal whenever faced with tough situations whether at work or in taking care of my daughter. When I start moving, I spent more time than required to distract myself and end of scolding myself of not finishing other things. In short, it has been 4 months but there is no way out. That is true if I keep relying on my own strength. So fix my eyes on Jesus. Rely on His strength. Remember that we supply the willingness, God supplies the strength. Fix on Jesus, not on the immediate results. Remember both the stories in the Bible and illustrations that point out that even though things may not change, there is something changing in ourselves and God will make things beautiful in His time. So, would tomorrow or this coming week better in terms of results? Most probably not. Would it be better in terms of feeling? Maybe not too. But can it be better in terms of relying on God? Yes, that is something I can decide. I can decide to give my best to God and let Him do the rest.