Reflection from Today

One possible way to start writing is to reflect on what happens in a day. It may not necessarily be in 3 points. If I can come up with three points, it is good as an indicator that I make decision. But if not, writing in chronological is also a decision especially if I put a time limit. 

Today is a tough one as I do not have any meeting and so the expectation is higher on what to do first. From the morning, I already struggled in making decision on what to eat, and whether to open new pack or not. Then I struggled in deciding when to leave home. In office, again I struggled whether to analyze previous data first or conduct experiment, whether to do the experiment myself or to delegate. Then whom shall I join lunch with. Plus after lunch which one I need to do first. 

At the same time, there are times where suddenly I just need to proceed on, when people contacting me and I need to react immediately that I gather the courage to just ask around. I felt happy for a while in just doing things, but again struggled what to do next after back in my cube. Plus struggled to decide whether to take back laptop home or just leave in office. 

I felt happy for a while as I could let go the laptop. But not sure whether tomorrow I will regret it. The happy feeling also starts to erode as I need to decide what to do now. 

In any case, today I learn that God's grace is defined as empowerment, that means His fullness in Christ enables us to live as He brings us through difficulties. So I think I will fall down again, but somehow He will help me get back up again. 

Writing just for 5 minutes

I missed the courage to write just for 5 minutes. Recently, I felt that I can't stand doing something, even for just 5 minutes, when I am anxious. The feeling is just not nice that I do not think I can do something if that feeling does not go away. I need to remember that my mind is being tricked in a sense that there is no real danger. Also, that it is also possible for me to do something like here when I decide that I can do something in 5 minutes. It is of course not perfect, but doing is better than perfect. So the question is that am I willing to have hope for just 5 minutes? Hope that even if I do not know what to write. Or even if I think I will write longer than the allocated time, I am willing to take the risk and face the uncertainty to see what would be written down after five minutes.

It is like I doubt everything that I do now, and I keep regretting whatever I decided to do. Well, as mentioned before, this is a habit and is it realistic to expect that habit can be changed overnight?

Also, do I just believe on something only if I can see or feel a proof of that? Isn't there are certain things that can only be seen or felt only after we take the steps?

So likewise, can I believe on the truth in the Bible that God is with us, even if I cannot see it? Let's have hope and believe in Jesus.

What do I want to focus on?

I am now waiting for MRT. There is no train fault but the train is just packed. I have missed two trains so far and not sure how many more I need to wait before being able to get in. I feel uncomfortable as it is hot and humid. I keep sweating.

The question is what do I want to focus on? Yesterday I waited very long at Jurong East due to a train problem. It was uncomfortable and so I did not want to do anything while waiting. I wanted to wait until it is more comfortable before starting to do something. It is ok if we do this occassionally. But I realize that it seems to be almost a habit for me.

I reached office yesterday and was frightened with the many things I needed to do and that I had to break them down to be less abstract. But I chose to focus on my feeling which was uncomfortable due to the fear. I waited to do my plan until I felt better, which didn't come as the more I waited, the more focus I gave to the uncomfortable feeling, and so the more uncomfortable I become.

So this time, I chose to focus what I can do for any one in my list or my mind such as writing this. It is still uncomforable and I am still sweating. But I focus on what I want to do and I can do such as writing this. So I missed three trains in Bukit Batok and two trains in Jurong East. But it does not prevent me from doing something which is better than being perfect.

Likewise, today there will be many uncomfortable feelings. I feel uncomfortable of my past mistakes, the mistakes that just happen, and any imperfection that occurs such as not sure how to reply or how to do something. Also, I have been wanting to become someone special. That makes me feel uncomfortable when I find myself average or below average. When that happens, which one do I choose to focus?

With my own strength, I think I will dwell on my uncomfortable feeling again. But if I choose to rely on Jesus, there is a promise that I can do anything because I am already loved by Him, instead of seeking for love and acceptance from others and myself.

It's Hard to Maintain Writing

Somehow it's not easy to go back to writing 5 minutes a day. Everyday I am either too down to write as I am too occupied of myself or to busy trying to do something when I feel better. 

It is a reminder that a good habit takes efforts to maintain. My desire for duolingo and helloChinese starts decreasing although I was used to play them to run away for sometimes.

There are days where I could tell myself  that uncomfortable feelings are there and we can just watch them without reacting too much such as panic. But it is not easy to maintain. 

Perhaps it is a reminder to balance and not to fall between two extremisms: not doing at all or to do something perfectly. A good reminder from my best friend is that it does not mean we need to be exactly in the center. And it can move as well within the healthy range. 

So I am not sure whether tomorrow is up or down. One thing to remember is not to give up because there is hope in Jesus in the midst of hopeless circumstances.

A Turbulent Ride

Written on 7 July 2017

My emotion is very interesting. Now I feel positive again while I was down most of the time today from the morning until after lunch. After that I was in two meetings, so it's harder to think too much in the meetings. But I was still down. In the evening I decided to let go and go back early.

On my way back home, my colleagues gave many encouragements and reminders. They shared stories on how it's ok to be imperfect such as pronouncing words wrongly. They were also concerned on how I think so negative of myself.

I was reminded that when I say I cannot do anything and all are bad, I underestimate those who care about me. As in indirectly saying they make wrong decisions to stick with me. Because in truth, there is something good in me. At the same time, it does not mean I am perfect.

Relief is Gained when Facing the Fear, Not Running Away from It

This evening I feel very much better. Not sure how it happened, but I think it is by the grace of God. Yesterday my wife gave me a book by Timothy Keller titled “Walking with God through Pain and Suffering”. It made me realize that this is the time where I can find how precious Jesus is.

It still does not change my feeling this morning though, even this afternoon. But with my wife’s continuous encouragement, I finally faced my fear, opened my work laptop and started to look again the materials that made me want run away two days ago. Somehow, by God’s grace, it does not look that bad. Yes, until now I still haven’t got it done. But a miracle happens in a sense that I started to be interested in it, being curious on it, instead of making it as a very big burden on my shoulder.

Today it is also interesting as I started to see that this struggle happens for good. I have been saying that I am disappointed of myself to fall into this vicious cycle again after 5 months of maintaining my emotion - so I said those periods are good, or the ideal. But after listening to my wife’s sharing on how arrogant I was in parts of those period - for example I was angry when receiving feedback from others as I felt that I was confident on my choice, I started to think that it was also not that great. In fact, it is good that it finally stopped and now I learn from the beginning again to be humble.

I am not sure how long this feeling will last. Tomorrow I may wake up again with negativity, may be not. But one thing I need to remember is that my goal is not to become the same as the first five months of this year. I need to remember that I am not always right, in fact most probably almost always incorrect or incomplete looking at how yesterday I could not even know how to mop or dry clothers. I need to remember that I am limited and my emotion is still under construction, instead of the wishful thinking of becoming others who I admired either because of their monetary superiority, able to work overseas, or full of wisdom.

Also, in any case, I need to embrace that suffering is part of life, and the good news is that there is God who is willing to be walking in the fiery furnace with us.