Take Up My Own Cross

I lost my temper yesterday and today. I hate receiving other people’s feedbacks. Not so much because of the feedback itself, but because of them, I will judge myself evern harsher. Of course theoretically, I can break it because it is me who impose those feedback as ultimate standards to follow exactly and right now. Then I will hate myself more when people said that knowing the problem is half way of solving the problem. I agree to that statement in general. But in my life, I have seen that I am aware of my own problems but it is very hard to change myself.

Maybe because there are two sides of me. One side who are trying to please people and look good. Another side is the rebellious side of me who tend to say, if other people don’t change, why do I need to change. If other people can do something that is not always good, why can’t I not just indulge myself on things that I like. So at one time, I will be very nice, at other times I will lose my temper.

In another word, I have now managed my depression better, but swing to the other sides of being aggressive and dominant. At one time I feel bad to offend people, on another instance I feel like it is my right to offend people just as some people offend others without feeling guilty.

Interestingly, in my church, the topics for the whole of pre-Easter is about the cross of different people. Some chose to take up their cross and follow Jesus while some abandoned Him when there is time to take up the cross. The sermon during Easter day is also about changing our mindset and behavior.

It is clear that I am saved by grace in Jesus. But my mindset and behavior transformation need time. And I need to be patient. I need to do my best as if all depend on me while I need to surrender to God as if all depend on God. So now as I feel very bad after I blasted at my wife and my best friend in office, I need to admit that and to rise up again even if I know I will most likely fail again. The calling may not necessarily to win over this, but to be faithful in the process of the true winning. Just like the current governor today who gave example on how to lose gracefully, may I do my best even if I fail again including doing my best to have mercy on myself and focus on what I can still do instead of what I should have done.