Reflecting back, I wondered why I chose to be angry when receiving feedbacks. Perhaps it is because of my insecurity, my unwillingness to accept the consequences, and my impatience in the change process. I want to illustrate those points from my yoga experience. But before that, what I meant with yoga may be different than the official defintion or what most people understand. What I refer to yoga is the stretching exercise in HP clubhouse where there is no meditation and it is pure stretching.
In the last session of my yoga class, I mentioned to my instructor that my core muscle is still weak. He replied, not true, all of my body are considered weak. But somehow I was not angry. I can receive that negative feedbacks easily. So what made me to choose to be angry when I received feedbacks at home or in office.
I guess the first point is due to my insecurity. At home and in office, I need to acknowledge that I am still in the process of proving myself of worthy being. To prove that I am a good enough husband and son-in-law at home. To prove that I am worthy enough to have the phd title and with 3 years of working experience when I am in office. Whereas, in my yoga class, I was not there to prove that I am good at exercise. I was therey simply because I think exercise is important and it is totally okay even if I am the lousiest students. Simply put, I was secure in my yoga class but not at home or in office. This goes back again to the question whether I am secure with my true status as God has accepted me for who I am. Just like what REBT said, the same activating event can cause different responses because the beliefs are different.
Second is in my willingness to accept the consequences. In yoga, if I cannot do certain exercise, there is no consequences to me. There were nobody there who would mock me as we are all adults. There was no grade or pass or fail as well. Whereas at home and in office, there are consequences, even if it is just to listen to people with humility if it is a fact that I am still short of certain standards. One friend said to me before that other people can demand us something, but we also have the right to disobey. So if I don’t agree, there is no need for me to follow as long as I can bear the consequences. But since I am willing to bear the consequences of my own choice, I expected other people to change by not giving feedbacks - something that is unrealistic as I have no control over other people.
Third is my impatience. Since I only joined yoga in January, I know that for sure it takes many years before I can do the activities properly. So what I need to focus is to be patient and build the strength for simpler activities first. In other word, even if the teacher said I’m weak, there is no need to rush. And in fact it is unrealistic for me to be able to do it right away. Similarly, if people asked me to change, it is not necessary to follow their timeline if we are willing to accept the consequences. We just need to be patient and enjoy looking the progress slowly one by one.
So do not judge myself too that I will for sure fail. At the same time, use this learning experience to remind myself that it is unrealistic to think that I will for sure pass. So what about the things that have been done? As we cannot turn back the time, may God grant me the humility to bear the consequences and to be patient in the change process based on the fact that it is fully secure in faith to Jesus who have died and risen for us.
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