Recording My Feelings

Last Monday I had a counseling session. There I learned that I had two problems. First is that I have issues in controlling my emotion - swinging between depressed and depressing as in becoming too excited that I become dominant or taking too many things. The second problem is that I am angry that I have the first problem.

Interestingly, I cannot solve the first problem if I do not work on the second one. This is because the second contains self-defeating behavior when I struggle with the first problem. I tend to feel upset and judge myself with words like I should not do that, I should have controlled my emotion, I am not good enough if I still have first problem, etc. This is wasting energy. So I need to work on the second problem first, accepting that I have the first problem and it may take a long time to solve it.

My wife said to me before that my counselor's suggestions were in essence the same as hers. This time my best friend in office told similar thing. He was surprised on how I turn to be so positive after the counseling session. He was also amazed that my findings are in essence the same as his observations last week. In other word, how can I treat the same comments differently.

This shows two things. One is that I have higher expectations to people who are closed with me. Maybe because I have irrational belief of life must be fair and so my family and close friends must change if I change. Second is that the self-discovery. I did not pay attention fully to the content. But when I read myself in the book, I started to think more and try to find answers on the things I did not understand. This is different from listening to feedback from others.

My friend then suggested me to record my feelings. This is because when I am depressed, things become bleak. So at least if I know that, writing it will help me to remind myself, remind that things can change no matter how depressed the situation is. He reminded me not just to record the fact but also the feeling.

For example is on how would I treat myself when I make mistakes. To understand and believe that I can stand mistakes, life being unfare, and it is natural if I get angry sometimes.

That happens to me this afternoon. I feel very tired. But after I said it's ok, I got idea on how to accept the feeling and move on by drinking hot drink and eat snacks. So afterwards was better. I feel sleepy now and it is okay even if I fall asleep. In other word, do what we can and let others do what they can. It is like a paradox, accept ourselves fully, but because of that we can change ourselves for the better.