Too Busy to Reflect?

Today is the last day of March. Somehow I write less than 10 posts this months. Was it because I was too stressed? No, in general, I have been very positive this month. But this reminds me again sometimes being positive has its own dangers especially when we speed up too fast that we do not have time to slow down.

I have flu today and become cranky. When I become cranky, it is a sign that I do need to reflect and check on my irrational beliefs. So it is not ideal to only check when things are already degrading just like my body is protesting my busyness this month. I tried to give my best in every moment, sometimes more than what I can. In the property agent course, one important law concept is that we cannot give more than what we have. So perhaps I tried to give more than what I can.

I began to forgot to reflect. It is very difficult for me to slow down with new ideas popping up now. Just like today I shared the story of a monkey who was trapped because he could not let go some of the peanuts, I may behave the same thing by trying to follow up every good idea that come to me.

I complained about a colleague who appear to be flexible but often inflexible. But to be frank, I am also like that, often I tried to look very nice and accommodating, sometimes more than what I am capable of that I can blow up in terms of my emotion.

My friend also reminds me that often Christians give many answers but unfortunately to the wrong questions as we may not listen enough. Similarly, I need to learn that I cannot handle all. Not all good things must be grabbed. We are limited and so we could not absorb all the good things that are available in this world.

I am not sure whether I can improve next month as I still have the tendency to swing to the other extremes and put a pressure on me to write. What I hope though is that I start to respecting my break and know when to rest and when to say no even to the good and noble ideas.

Fear of Unexpected Changes

I just realized that I still have fear of unexpected changes. It is normal if it stays on the preference level, but it is not healthy if it becomes unconsciously a musturbatory thought.

Today there is a communication session with my director (my manager’s boss’ boss). During the question and answer session, I asked about a choice point between A and B. All along we thought that we will do B. But recently we were informed that we will revert back to A. As it is not a straightforward work to revert back to A and after a certain date, we can’t keep changing, I was asking what is the chance that the management will ask for B again in the future. To my surprise, my director did not know that we’re planning to go back to A. I then realized that my question might hurt someone who is supposed to keep the director updated.

My friend asked me what is the reason I asked that in public. I realized that is due to my ego. I do not want to have extra work due to changing direction in the future. If it is preference, it is ok. But it seems that I already cross the boundary where I must not experience any changes that I am willing to take the risk of causing troubles to some people. This is an irrational belief as it is not awful to have unexpected changes. In fact, I can stand it. I have already experienced several unexpected changes and I could go through them relatively well. So there is no strong reason why I cannot handle unexpected changes.

Also, I need to ask myself, what is the goal of asking that question. If it is to minimize extra work, then I may also want to be careful not to cause trouble as the trouble may give me extra work. This is called rational thinking. Although it is true that I am by nature using my feeling, I also have the responsibility to make my feeling to be a rational feeling.

Sharing through Writing

There are times where I am too excited when sharing something that I do not put myself in other’s position. It is not always all the time. Yesterday was a good example where I tried to share when necessary and to take others’ perspective first before giving my perspective, just as what my insurance agent taught me. At other times, however, my message was not sent across properly just because I was too dominant when talking to people. Or I may irritate people like my wife to hear me talking the same thing over and over again with different people.

So I guess, one of the best ways to share is through writing for three reasons. First, it makes us clearer in thinking. It is not easy to recall what we have just said. Writing makes it easier as we can refer back and check before sending or publishing it. Second, it is editable and so every writing is a creation. A voice recording is also a creation. But because it cannot be edited, we need to create another recording instead of modifying some parts of it. In other word, when the quality is still very raw, a voice recording may not be a creation in itself, unlike a first draft of writing. Third, it is easier to share to people. Instead of talking the same thing again, we can just send the link or the file containing our writing. It is also giving more options for people on whether they want to glance through or read in detail and which part to read as compared to voice recording.

In short, when I am excited again due to whatever reasons, instead of jumping directly to look for people to listen to my sharing, it is more advisable to take a pen or a handphone or a laptop and write my thoughts.

Sharing Good News

Yesterday I just learned to be sincerely sharing good news from God that I know to a friend. Sincere as in I do not have intention to change his belief. What I want is just to share what I know is good. Just like when I share about duolingo or the real estate salesperson course that I think it’s good, I share what I know about God. It started with a casual chat after our lunch when he asked me whether I went to church regularly. I said yes, but I don’t believe that rituals are the most important. Because being a Jesus’ disciple means a relationship. I was joking to him that there is no point of having lunch with him if I just kept quiet or look at my handphone during lunch. Similarly, there is little use if we sleep or browse through social media during a church service, or if we come to church just because of social status or trying to get a community. Because it means that we are not relating to God. Of course, we need to relate to the community as well as the point of going to church is to relate to God as a community of believer. Otherwise, we can just read the Bible or listen to a numerous amount of sermons in youtube ourselves at home.

I was also sharing to him that Jesus asked His disciples to share the good news to others. This means that I also hoped that he can know Jesus as well someday. But it does not mean that I want to force him to know Him. Because if I do that, it means belittling God’s way as God has a unique way to introuce Himselves to each one of us. Just like how I finally accepted Him as my saviour during the musical by Indonesian Students’ Christian Fellowship in 2002.

He asked me what do I think if we go to church or temple to receive blessings. Amazingly, he said that if we go to temple to get blessings, that means we are not sincere. Well, it’s true if we are to have relationship with our God. But if we treat God like a doctor, then it’s normal to only seek Him when we are in need. Because nobody goes to a clinic or a hospital if we or our beloved are not sick. So if we consider God as a doctor only, go ahead and just seek blessings in Him. But if we consider Him as our Father or our Teacher, or our Friend, then we need to seek Him not just when we are in need, but because we enjoy talking to and listening to Him.

So yesterday it is a good reminder from God that it doesn’t have to be so formal in sharing the Gospel. Gospel is the good news that there is God who wants to relate to us, and sacrifice Himself in order to redeem ourselves.

God is truly gracious by shaping me

Amazingly I lost my temper in less than 48 hours since I was angry last Friday. This time I was upset with a colleague of whom do not want to micromanage but has hidden expectations to my quality of work. At the end I need to learn that I can only change myself and indeed I haven’t done my part which is to prepare sufficient data in timely manner.

One thing I am amazed is the amount of grace God gives to me this year. Of course every time He is gracious, but I feel that His grace is really obvious in the way I have been being shaped this year. After I am able to manage my worries, now I am opening a can of worms such as my procrastination and pride. A friend reminded me not too be surprised. This is because as long as we live in this world, we will need to face our dark sides and be confronted by the Holy Spirit to be a better version of ourselves according to the image of God.

I protested before. Why it is just becoming more and more things to improve. I forgot that the realization of the need to change is actually one of the greatest gifts ever. It is like a blind man who is opened his eyes. Everyday he will learn something new as now his eyes can see clearly. Similarly, I am now able to see who I am and who Jesus wants me to be, although the process to go there is difficult. Just like why I was upset today is because I think my colleague is asking me to change at the rate faster than what I am capable of.

I need to remember that with God, all things are possible. The one that I need to do is to give my best and let Him shape me, be it in managing my worries, keep starting instead of procrastinating, humble myself given that all I have is a loan from God, and to manage my temper so that even when I have a reason to, there is no need to lose temper and stick to the rational belief that God has enabled us to think.

What make me angry?

Knowing what make us angry is essential part of our growth. But apparently I don’t like to know that because it hurts my pride. So the first and major thing is that I am angry when I find that I could not control my anger. I have the irrational belief that being angry is not good and so when I find myself in anger, I am really furious. How could I not control my emotion? How could I have the desire to punch the air? How can I, being as a Christian, still have anger? How can I be angry to those whom I love? How can I be angry to those who are strangers, who may be the first time make mistakes against me? How can I be not so logical and angry?

In other word, I have the irrational belief that I must not be angry at all times and regardless the situations. Or even if I am angry, it has to be a holy angry. If it is a childish angry, I will be very upset and angry to myself. Sounds complex, but it is true just like in the past I often felt stressed when I found myself depressed.

It takes a courage therefore to find the answers of the question what make me angry? Because it turns out that a simple negative feedback to me, or a comment where it seems that I made a wrong decision can make me furious. It can also be an anger where somebody made other have negative comment to me, or indirectly cause me to have the uncomfortable feeling. I also could not tolerarte simple mistakes such as wrong map when it matters to me such as when I am rushing. And that is where the angry because of angry comes. Because I am surprised to find out myself that I can be angry of small little things. But in general, I am very angry to myself when I found out that I do something wrong. This will be multiplied when I found myself to keep repeating the same mistakes without any change on me. I am also angry when I cannot solve a problem. I am angry when people or myself cause me look bad. So, pride, face, difficulties are some of the sources that make me angry.

Even the process of improving my anger itself can make me angry due to my binary thoughts. When I want to improve the way I control my emotion, I want to jump steps to be someone who controls my emotion very well, when in relatiy, it takes many years of practice and mistakes to be able to manage our anger.

The Sin of Pride and Procrastination

Yesterday I learned to reflect what sins I have and want to overcome them. There are many of course as I am sinful by nature. But the two that I want to work on, one is procrastination and another is pride.

I have the tendency of thinking sin as in something criminals or something that break the major law and observable such as killing or stealing. But there was also a time where I learnt that sin is anything that is not according God's plan. For example, if we are given many talents to nurture but we don't, it is also considered as sin as we miss the original target or design planned by God.

The sin of procrastination has had a numerous negative impacts to my life. More recently is when I missed the paper expected completion and let my wife waited for 4 hours in the city. Another is when I kept delaying to make a simple appointment that by the time we need it, it's all fully booked. 

I have kept it for a long time as it gives me the benefit of excuse. If I don't do something well, I will say to myself that it is not my real performance as I did in last minute. So to overcome procrastination, I need to embrace my limitations and risk of failure.

The second sin is pride. I was inferior and had self-pity as I don't see the person I can be proud of. Now that I can start thinking clearly, I swing to the other extremes. I was easily dominated by others but now I have the tendency to dominate a conversation as if I am always right.

It is not easy to define measurable and actionable follow up for those two. Perhaps it is easier to define for procrastination as the tips such as keep starting for at least 15 minutes and limiting additional to do list can be applied. But for pride, I think what I can do is to follow up on my insurance agent suggestion that we need to take others' perspective first before giving my perspective - so it's take and give when it comes to perspective.

Fasting from Talking too Much

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday where some people start the commitment of fasting in this period of time before the Good Friday. It is a good practice to teach us to not over rely on our body and phyisical satisfaction from food. But I am not into it. And I think there is something that I really need, that is to fast from too much talking.

I like to talk because I get energy from talking since I think aloud. There are many times where I get new ideas while I am talking. That is the reason I like to teach as it may be more beneficial to me than the one listening as that’s one of the best way I learn.

But recently I learn that there is also a great need to fast from talking for several reasons. First, it is not the food that comes into our mouth that is unholy, but it is the very word come out from our mouth. Those who talk more will be judged more. Toungue is like a steering wheel, it is small but like a small fire, it can burn the whole forests. A lot of time, the way I say things are communicated emotionally and end up cause more problems than good.

Second, I need to save energy. Talking requires energy and at the moment there are so many things I need to do. So it makes more sense now to foucs on do and do and do instead of just talking. So reduce talking and start doing more.

Third, it is to reduce my impulsiveness. I often make drastic decisions which I regret later on. So instead of saying it verbally, it is better to document it down, sleep it over night, and then write it out the next morning.

Fourth, my emotional needs are high. So I can be very cranky. Only God can takes my crankiness when I am tired. So instead of talking to people, it is better to write a letter to God to communicate our anger, tiredness, worries, and everything that people do not have the capacity to understand as they are not God.

So how do I implement this? Remember that if it is not specific enough it is bound to fail. Several things that I can try are: only talking when asked and when really needed - which means no commenting. Just like my insurance agent today, in communication, it is not give and take but rather take and give - taking their perspective first before giving our persective.

Second, do not say it out an idea, just write it down.

Third, observe people, unless I am the only one in a group of 2-people, let others talk and just listen. Anyway it is also something that it’s not easy for me to focus at all and not the handphone.