It’s amazing to remember that it has been a year since I started writing this blog, thanks to my wife. It is by her encouragement that I started this blog which turns out to be a very good tool in expressing my complex thoughts and in learning to maintain consistency as well as being realistic.
I started with 30 minutes of writing a day which later on I realized that it’s too ambitious. I reduced it to 15 minutes but found out that sometimes I still have the dread that I have so many things at hand that another 15 minutes of doing something else is not easy. As the focus is the consistency, I decided to make it just 5 minutes, which was great. This is because I felt racing against time as it is not easy to write a lot in 5 minutes. So I have the urgency to express my thoughts no matter how imperfect it is instead of trying to find the right words to best express them. It works well as I managed to achieve around 40% frequency of writing per month. There are some months that I write more and some that I write less. It was interesting that the months where I felt great, I wrote less. It is a good reminder that sometimes appearing to be successful carry its own danger of forgetting what basic needs that we need to do to support as a strong foundation. It also shows the effectiveness of this blog to support the period where I am more stressful. At the same time, the last few months are also interesting. I have both stressed and wonderful periods like holiday, but in those months, I wrote less even when the target is 5 minutes. It is a reminder that it is not easy to maintain a good habit and it is very important to nurture good habits and relationships.
Just like last year, I needed to learn the hard way that I often took my wife for granted. I was either too depressed and too tired when I was stressed or I was too busy doing the things I want when I felt great. In both cases, I tend to neglect my wife forgetting my commitment to build the relationship and the many things she has done for me. I have also had the tendency to escape from my calling of research when things are hard, forgetting the 7 years she needed to wait for me to finish my phd. So 2016 is a year which I need to remember as a lesson not to take my wife for granted.
Two other important lessons from 2016 are the need to review and to have hope.
I often write or take notes but I seldom review them. This reduces the effectiveness of having a writing habit. For example, at many points, I felt it was the most stressful moment. Only after reviewing my past writings that I found out I felt similar before and I had even more stressful moments but I survived. 2016 is a good year where I started to seek help again. But seeking help may be wasted if I don’t review the good counsels given before. So from time to time I need to learn to review, no need to be exhaustive, what has happened before. This is also a reminder that I don’t need to compare to others. I just need to compare with myself and ensure that I progress to become more like Christ.
2016 is a year that reminds even when we do not have a good start, we can always rise up and have a great ending. I started 2016 with a very bleak mood. I felt it was the worst start of the year as I felt very stressed. But it turned out to be a turning point where I started to seek help and become very energetic. I never imagined at the beginning of last year where I could have moments where I could do many things clearly. Also I didn’t imagine that finally my wife and I could go to US for conference and holiday. Of course it is also a reminder that when things go so well in the middle, it can drop very fast when I do not maintain basic supporting foundations such as exercise and letting things go. At the same time, when I was very stressed again and started to lose hope as I felt that I had tried all things, God showed to me that it is very easy for my feeling to change. I had the opportunity to attend two conferences, both which I was afraid to attend but at the end I enjoyed very much. After the conference in November, I was energetic again for the first week but then stressed in the second week. After the conference in December, it was holiday and so it is not tested yet. This week will be the test. Well, most probably I will be stressed again even if I can pass through this. This is because failure is not something to avoid but it is part of life. Focusing on the probability of failure just makes things worse. So hopefully I can focus on God who loves me regardless of my emotional outlook and move forward to where He calls me to.
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