When things are not working

I still feel very irritated when things are not working. For example, this morning I finally try to connect the bluetooth headphones. After some nervousness, I managed to connect it. But then the sounds is too low. After some time, I could find that there is button in the headphone itself to increase the volume.

Afterwards, I felt it was not enough. I wanted to test on my phone, not just my laptop. After several trials, it could not connect to the iphone. I felt irritated. Then I gave up. After that, I wanted to try whether the connection to the laptop is still fine. To my horror, it really did not work. I do not know what happened but it no longer worked although it initially did. I tried to restart the computer, on and off the headphone, re-add the device, but it still does not work.

When these things happen, my response is first regret. I regretted why I tried to connect with my phone when it was well connected to the laptop. Second, I am angry to myself of how come I could not resolve this. I then base on my worth on my performance including the way I handle unexpected things. Third, it is very difficult for me to move on to other task. It is like I could not accept that I could not solve that issue immediately or fast enough. Fourth, the time is clicking. I am angry that I took more time than expected and so more works are piling up.

How do I handle these situations better? I do not know. But we can think. Remeber that there is a good chance that I have learned before. It is just I am easily too frustrated. Remember that it is not helpful to be frustrated on the current condition. Learn to embrace my limitation, face it. We can stop or seek help. And I can get up again. Remember that this feeling is not permanent. And the issue can somehow be fixed although I cannot see the direction now.

It is not good enough

I struggled again in the past three days. One key message that I tell myself repeatedly is that it is not good enough. In almost everything I do or every feeling I have, I said it is not good enough. The question is that who sets those standards and say whether something is good enough? The answer is clear, it is I myself who set those standards. Instead of being thankful to what I have, I keep wanting things better or more ideal than the current situation. When I make mistakes, I say those should not have happened. When I feel miserable, I said it is not good enough even when I know it. When I feel sleepy, I said this is not good enough or I cannot stand this. The high standard and low frustration tolerance dominate my time. In this situation, again the question of why I am like this (not being thankful, stressed, cannot think clearly, being sleepy & slow) is not helpful. Instead, I need to do what I can to break free from the vicious loop of self-condemnation. So what can we do. Exercise, rest for a while, write my thoughts, pomodoro technique, REBT, postpone the judgment or the impulse can be done. If one technique does not work, then try another. Also, we do not need to be performing all the time. There are some low time. In another word, it is good enough. And when it is not good enough, it is good enough to know we can do better next time.

Zoom Out Technique

This morning I attend a meeting where I know very little and in my own area, I am not confident of the updates I have and on carrying out the follow up items. I am anxious but at least I observe it instead of trying to running away from it. That’s a good progress. At the same time, I am thankful of my colleague who teaches me about the zoom in vs. zoom out. He mentioned that when we face situation, we may tend to do zoom in which means we just focus on me and my problem or me and my performance. That is when we are anxious and do self-defeating behavior. One way to overcome it is by zooming out. It can be one level up or even can be several level ups. I did not understand and so I asked him to explain further. Here it goes. Now I feel very inferior because I could not produce graphs or nice slides. I also could not design tests and carry out troubleshooting quickly. That is when I zoom out. How to zoom in, I can go to the family level or team level. For my family, how important is that? Do they define me based on my incapability of doing tests or data analysis? Then, for my team, am I that important that it will jeopardize the whole team? The answers are no. If we zoom out bigger, like in a community where I stay or the department or the company where I work. Would my incapability cause anyone harm? How much it matters in the company level? It may translate very little. So the job is still important, because it may affect someone or at least myself in a zoom-in mode. Therefore we need to continue improving it. But even when I fail, let’s not allow it to define myself. Let’s remember too that this process is needed to reach the goal. For example, this ability to switch from zoom in to zoom out and vice versa are needed. Without zooming in, we may be careless. Without zooming out, we may be too stressed that we can also not deliver what we can. 

Strength for the ‘Off’ Days

Today my counselor asked me to think at least one strength that enable me to cope during my “off” days. I could not say it as I think I got no strength, otherwise I would not have “off” days at all.

But after thinking again, perhaps it is because of my perfectionism that I said so. Realistically, is there anyone who does not have strengths? I also need to remember that God is gracious and there are always strengths granted by God.

So here are my God-given strengths. One is to have a community which does not encourage me to give up. My wife, my friends, my colleagues are very encouraging. Another perhaps is the openness to their feedbacks. I often get agitated and angry at first, but at the end I re-think and consider their advice.

Another God-given strength is to formulate what my problem is. That helps in finding the solutions which can be implemented with practice.

So let’s use these strengths and have hope in God. Remember, God’s presence is more important than all accolades that men can give and in and through all troubles, God will deliver us.

Try your best but do not get hurt

Today I went again for the weekly pilates session after several weeks of absence. It was tough, I sweat a lot. It was especially refreshing as the instructor told another participant before the session to try our best but do not get hurt. Initially I thought he was a newcomer. But after the session, I just got to know that he is not a newcomer. In other word, the advice of try our best but do not hurt ourselves still apply.

Exercise is good as it clearly shows where our limits. Sometimes I think either I cannot do or I can do immediately. But in things of exercise such as pilates, I can clearly see that it takes a lot of time and practice to progress. There is no shortcut. And it humbles ourselves to acknowledge that there are certain things or in fact many things that I could not do. No matter how hard I push, I still could not reach my toe with a straight knee. That is on flexibility. On strength, I am also lacking that I could not even do bicycle in the air. In fact the instructor laughed when seeing what I did for the bicycle exercises.

Back to the emotional health or work, it is also similar. I need to try our best but I need to know the limit. Just like this morning I needed to acknowledge that I am tired and needed to sit down. Likewise, I can see that no matter how good someone is, we are still limited by time and energy and health which is often forgotten.

Today I also learn on the good foundation of God’s double promises. One, God will make a way at His right time. Second, God will sustain us until that time come.

So, let’s try our best with God’s given strength which will sustain us until when we reach our destination in His good time.

The pain of feeling inadequate

Today is better than yesterday as I had 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night thanks to my wife who did not wake me up and because I went to bed at 9.30 pm. But today I still feel terrible and it comes from the pain of feeling inadequate.

I have tried to prepare myself today as best as I can. When I face some roadblocks and need to admit I don’t know much, or I don’t do as much as I want, I feel inadequate and I hate that feeling. That made me panic again today and I almost wanted to give up work and just went home.

So I decided to call for my mentor in office and asked his help to pray for me just before lunch. I was desperate and my counseling appointment is still next week. But I guess I made the right choice for the root cause of feeling inadequacy is because we will only be satisfied in God.

The reason I feel inadequate is right because truly no man is perfect. The problem is then I look for success, people’s approval, and things that are easy to cover those feelings. But nothing satisfies like God. And here I am, trying very hard to satisfy based on things that are temporary even if I can achieve them.

So remember the story of the prodigal son. He is still loved by his father despite what he does. Put my identity as God’s beloved because of Jesus’ sacrifice. And when I fail to put my identity in that truth, turn my eyes upon Jesus and relies on Him.

Two things One Root Cause

Just now my mentor in office prayed for me. I really thank Jesus for that. I was very emotional yesterday because I am angry that I was angry to few colleagues yesterday afternoon. The anger to the colleagues had subsided quickly but the anger to myself was very high to the point that I shut down last night. 

As I am recovering today, it was a surprise that he needed to see me and afterwards prayed for me. He also shared two things with one root cause that correctly describe my state now. 

The two things are: learn to let go not to do something and no need to take things personally. The one root cause is that it is ok to be imperfect. 

Those two are really my struggles. It is hard for me not to learn new things and get excited to help people in need without thinking about my own stuffs. The second one, when I manage to draw boundary, it is okay if I offend people. It is also ok for people to be harsh on me, or to be unfair to me, there is no need to take things personally. 

The one root cause is that I try so hard with my own strength to be perfect. And of course this fails. Only God is perfect. So I need to remember that it is ok to be imperfect so that we can move towards to the perfection. Without the discomfort of being imperfect, we cannot move towards the perfection. It is a paradox that in order to be perfect, we need to be imperfect. In order to know something, we need to know that we do not know. 

And to obey God and to change, it is only possible with God’s strength in the name of Jesus. With my strength, I could not change no matter how hard I try - and it is very painful. With God’s strength, the struggles will still be there, but it is well-designed struggle that does not exceed what we can. 

So, in short, relax, let God takes in charge of myself. In the name of Jesus, He will make me change, not myself.