Facing Our Giants

Much has been told about facing our giants. But do we really face our giants?

Today it was great to read again on the story of the twelve who did survey to the promised lands. God has already promised to them, in fact there is no need to do survey. But it is not the survey that He was disappointed, it was due to how the response was after the survey.

Likewise, there are certain things that we know God will be with us. But often we run away from those problems instead of running into them with the intention to solve them. Simply put, we don’t trust God enough. Of course we don’t say that bluntly. We will say the thousands of justifications on why we are afraid and how most of other people will also be afraid. Those reasons that are logical and perhaps scientifically proven.

Another extreme is that when we do not know what God wants us to do and what He has promised us and what He does not. In that situation, we will take unnecessary risk which may lead to mistakes.

So there are two questions. Do we spend time to seek what God wants us to do, to listen Him and change our directions when needed? Just like the way we drive when instructed by GPS. Secondly, when we know the direction, do we obey them? Do we trust that somehow God will open the way.

Things are changing very fast. We often forget this fact too. When something look impossible today, it does not mean tomorrow is impossible.

So, let’s watch out what my fears are and how do I respond to them. It is ok to fail, move forward, recognize them and do better next time.

Our True Self Under the Time Limit

Today I learned that even when I thought I can be calm now, I can still feel anxious and panic. I need to do something at work that is urgent. I started the day well with doing things one by one. But as the review came, it is very difficult for me to say wait and end up I did things faster than I can, end up becoming messy and easily confused. It is also difficult to let go things, for example, I already have an appointment, but got people talking. Or I need to do something, but other people also need the same device for a while and it’s difficult to control the emotion on whether to let go for a while or to protect.

There is a difference when we work in a team and there is a limit. When I work alone, it is okay to be last minute as it depends solely whether I can focus on those last minutes. But when I work with others, I need to be calm in communicating what I need and what I can do. Otherwise, I tend to be panic and either I do all tasks alone which waste the teammate presence, or I only watch my teammate is doing instead of finding something else so that the whole process can be faster.

It is okay though, at least I learn to say that I don’t like this kind of situation and admit that I cannot do urgent things fast enough, especially when different people have different opinion.

At the same time, I have more experiences that in fact problem is beneficial as when we solve that problem, there is always learning and some previous assumptions that were clarified.

Also, these kinds of pressure help me to reflect who I am as our true tendency has higher chance to re-surface.

Expecting the Unexpected Stuffs

Today I almost spend the whole day doing unplanned things. So I was happy that at least I spent the first 30 minutes of my day doing the planned things that some of my to-do-list still get cleared.

From 9 am onwards, I was doing other things which are more urgent but not in my list. And when we were rushing, things can go wrong such as doing the same procedure but cause unexpected stuff because other people have changed something.

The point is that we need to be ready that things are not going as planned. And we need to keep reminding ourselves about this truth. So although last minute may work well for me, it is still better to do earlier.

Another consequences of the unexpected stuff is that we need to be flexible on the methods to reach the goal. This means that in the first place, we need to be clear on what the objectives are. Once they are clear, we need to remember that there may be more than 1 way to reach the objective. So if one method does not work, find the alternative. Similarly, we may want to do something that is not planned if it meets the objective more efficiently.

As I continue to prepare the draft of the paper, I need to remember that the goal is to submit the paper and not to produce the best quality of the paper. So focus on the essential stuffs and do the unessential stuff at a later stage if time allows, otherwise let them go.

Knowing the Important Stuff

Life is interesting and full of things that we can do. So the question is that how can we stay focus on the important stuff in the midst of all the excitements that come and go?

Like today in the office it was full of discussion and interesting ideas to the point that it is hard to digest. It shows the importance of being still and digest all those things. That is not easy to do. Because once we have the momentum, we want to keep going and going.

Also, it tends to displace the more important thing that we want to do. For example, this evening I want to continue editing the draft of the paper. But it is very difficult to start. So it is a good thing to have the commitment to write even for 5 minutes. This is because sometimes this can help us to pause a while so that we can detach from the tendency of doing what we are in and then shift to the one that we plan to do.

Another part is to also know when to stop and rest. Because even when we know what are the important stuff to do, rest is also important. So remember that, and when we feel tired or our brain is overloaded, rest and then continue again tomorrow.

Listening and Observing, not Talking

Today I learn again the truth that if we don’t have anything good to say, it’s better to be quite, silence is golden. It is not that there is no need for talking, but we need to learn to talk at the right time. And before talking, we need to listen and observe.

Yesterday I read a newspaper article that if big inventions happen by accident or mistake, how can we train to more serendipitous. Serendipity, apparently is not passive, it is active where one tries to observe and discern the various things that happen in order to find some insights from those seemingly unrelated events.

Just like today where the bathroom door is opened, most probably due to sucking wind, and not blowing wind. Or like my wife who always observe the landmark whenever we travel that she can remember the way back home or the way to re-visit some places. Or like, how I look at the right arrow in the traffic light today, that it is only switched on when the green light is turned off and it stayed around 9 second, something that is long enough to clear the light-medium traffic of those vehicles waiting to turn right. Or that my assumption that the economy super saver option for flight only appears long time before flight and then forever gone may not be necessarily true.

Also, how God that we praise today as we celebrate the risen of Jesus is not just God who gives us gift or opens our way. But He is also an artist who creates so many different animals with unique horns or stripes, or faces.

In short, life is full of God’s amazing works that we can observe. He also creates people whom we need to listen to.

Significance of Birthday

I used to think that birthday or especially birthday celebration has little meaning. Perhaps because I have high expectation that birthday has to be special, if not, it is not meaningful. Yesterday was my wife’s grandma’s 82th birthday. Our family organized a birthday celebration for her. Thanks to Pak Theo who prepared the liturgy and the flow of the session, it became a meaningful time for our grandma. I think yesterday may be the first time I saw her tears as she was moved by the whole experience, one by one people gave her good wishes. Usually she is a strong person who seldom exhibits any part of weakness aside from her physical weakness as she grows old.

Another thing that makes me try to tone down my expectation of birthday is that because I cannot accept things becoming like normal. Whereas it seems to be fine with our grandma that things becoming like normal again such as today where the busyness to prepare cake for tomorrow’s order comes. So, it is a different perspective where we can treasure special moments even though we know that it is not like that all the time. In fact, perhaps that is the very reason we need to learn to treasure those moments as they are not easy to get.

One thing to learn is the sincerity. When we are sincere, we can wish other people shortly and yet they are blessed. I often want to give a complex and beautiful wish to people having birthday. But yesterday session taught me that those wishes were ordinary. But they carry special meaning to our grandma.

A quote from yesterday is that birthday is not just the recurrence of our birth date but God’s grace that is poured, the character that is shaped, and the good examples exhibited through our lives.

Who is my wife for me?

The question yesterday also reminds me to ask who is my wife for me. Often I take her presence for granted. I feel very comfortable with her that I may forget who is her to me.

She is very precious for me. A lovable, cheerful, and caring wife who sometimes may seem to be firm but actually very compassionate. I thank God for putting her in my life. My life has changed so much because of her. Walking with her teaches me to grow up. My world was self-centered before our relationship. As we grow together, I learn to share my struggles and fear, also my dreams which may be too silly to share with others.

I often try to run away from problems. But from her, I learn to face those problems and find the solutions. I also learn to appreciate beauty and how colorful life is amid from my tendency for black-and-white thinking. I learn to try new things, to get back up again when fail, and to draw healthy boundaries. It was her encouragement too that make me dare to seek help to address my stress.

Thank you for my wife for being with me, for becoming a person whom I love very much and who shapes me to be what God wants to be as we walk together.

Who is Christ for me?

Time flies. This week would be the commemoration of Good Friday and Easter. The theme in my church this Easter is who is Christ for me.

I think I also need to answer that questions aside from listening to the different sermons throughout these period. It is a simple question but difficult to answer.

Apart from the cognitive knowledge about Christ, I feel that Christ is real although we cannot see Him. He is God who is not just in the book, but who keeps knocking into my heart. I used to think that following Him closely is waste of time. But somehow event by event, He opens my heart to receive Him as my personal savior. He is someone who is willing to accept me who I am and yet continues to mold me everyday. He does not give up on me despite the many times I give up on Him. He also protects me that I feel His grace is so abundant. He is also faithful to wait for us to grow and find joy in Him.

In short, He is God who cares about us as He is the one creating us.

U-turn

Just came back from Penang today. It was fun for renting a car and driving around overseas for the first time. One lesson that I learn is it is ok to do a U-turn. There were several times when I made mistakes and I went to the wrong way. In some occasions, I can just do the u-turn immediately. At other times, I need to go straight for quite long before I can do the u-turn. In any case, it is ok to do a u-turn.

In other word, it is normal to make mistakes in life. What we need to do is to acknowledge that we can make mistake, bear the consequences and then make the change which sometimes need to be a 180 degree of change.

This reminds me a quote from a pastor that God allows U-turn. In other word, He knows that we are just a dust and we will definitely sin. What we need is to come back to Him and listen to His voice.

During this trip, it is also the first time I drive using GPS. The big difference I see is that sometimes we may not necessarily see the big picture as we can’t keep toggling between the big picture and the immediate direction while driving. So what we need is to pay attention to the direction given by the GPS. It is also interesting that when I took the wrong way, it can re-calculate and provide another way to reach the same destination.

This analogy is encouraging. Our God is a great God and He is in control. Therefore, although we can go to the wrong way, He is powerful enough to show other ways to reach the same destination. How blessed we are to have God who cares about us.

To Practice Picking Ourselves Up

Today I have the chance to pick myself up several times.

First is that I came to office later than usual, so some of the routines were not done. I picked up quite well and continued again. It’s just that I didn’t look at m to-do list.

The practice began in the afternoon as I was helping my colleague to solve simple problem. But it turned out that my ego was hurt that why my code cannot work while other colleague’s code is working well. So I spent much time to compare the scripts and yet I found little difference. From a 25-minute task, it became more than 1.5 hour.

It was a good test to pick myself up. I had difficulties to do that as I still want to close the deal. Finally I managed to let it go and start to concentrate on other things. It was not easy as I kept thinking about it, but things were progressing especially as another colleague already came back with the things I requested.

Also, I learned to take the courage to make the booking for the lunch of those joining the office at similar time.

When coming back, another challenge to pick myself arises. I want to do one by one. It did go through well initially with sorting out the papers.

However, after that I started to browse on football news and the desire to do one by one starts to be reduced. It became a fatigue where I just want to sleep or rest. At the same time, I want to explore several tasks that I want to do.

So again, this is a good chance to practice the skills of picking myself up. Not sure which one I will do first but it is fine as long as we keep trying.

Picking Ourselves Up

Thanks to my wife who reminds me of this very important concept: to pick myself up upon failure. This maybe the key life skill that we need to survive in this tough but interesting life. There are so many things we can do. Some we like and some we don’t like but have to do due to certain responsibilities in life. There are also many things that we want to learn. Some are easy to learn while some take years to learn.

The challenge I have is that I often get excited in doing certain things, which is a good attribute in itself, but afterwards the spirit dies down when things get tough. It is because when things are not according to my plan, I started to feel like a failure and do not want to get back up. So sometimes it can be even worse, I avoid the failure so much that parallelize me. I don’t get to the failure state, but I can’t even move. I just stand at certain point without doing anything just because of fear of failure.

Without training to pick ourselves up, things are very bleak. For instance, today’s sermon reminds us that all people will pass away, not just because the reasons that we can see such as accident or disease, but because of the time that God calls us home. The good news is that we do not need to be afraid of death since Jesus has saved us and death is just a journey that will bring us into eternal life with Him. At the same time, it means that each of us has to deal with the loss of our beloved ones. There will be time when God calls them and we will be in a loss and in grieve. How can we pick ourselves up and continue while cherishing memories with them is important to carry out His calls before we ourselves go back home.

After this writing, there are many things that I want to do. Some will be realized while some will not. So I can practice of picking myself up even when I fail to complete certain things because it is ok to fall as long as we get back up again.

Enjoying Limits

Life is interesting. It often requires balance. On one hand, we need to ensure that we are not limiting ourselves with unnecessary rules or incomplete beliefs. That is true as there are things that we can actually do or get if we don’t limit ourselves with certain ways of doing or our own thoughts. On the other hand, we need to acknowledge that we are limited human being. That even if the resources around us are not limited (which actually is also limited), we can’t use all the resources.

For example, today I get so many insights from colleagues in the office. But my ability to absorb is limited. My ability to follow up is limited. So there are certain things that are useful and important but I couldn’t remember it now. There were also some interesting and essential tasks to follow up which I haven’t done. This is part of the reality. And I need to embrace that. Acknowledging that it is fine even when I cannot absorb all.

Today I have one-to-one with my manager. It was also good to remember again that innovation is important. That means we need to remember what are our limitations and see whether we can find ways to improve them. Perhaps that is the reason why I hated innovation. Because when we want to talk about inventing something, we need to acknowledge the limitation that becomes our motivation to create alternative ways. It is because we need to face with the problems instead of denying or running from them by doing something that is routine.

So perhaps a first step to innovate is to enjoy the limits. To befriend them and be familiar what is the reason behind those limitations. And by God’s grace, we can explore whether we can push those boundaries. Even after innovation, there will still be limits. It is just that we have done our part to push the limits slightly wider than before.

Progressing slowly

Today is good as I keep progressing. It is slow but steady and I am happy with it. This morning I started to be worried about the many things to do, but can balance it again. The feeling is like going on the plank in a motorcycle course. We can fall down but sometimes we can maintain the balance and continue on the plank. The more we try, the more we have the confidence that we can go through that.

Things were not ideal. For example, I did not manage to plan in the morning. But I did one thing at a step. During lunch I felt very sleepy and almost overslept during the lunch conversation. But then I took coffee instead of condemning myself. There was a problem with the conference call but instead of dwelling into it, I went to the meeting room and it was great as it happened to be the first meeting with the expert engineer.

I still couldn’t finish my task but I did what I can and I enjoyed the work. This is something to be happy about.

Also, I learned that sometimes when we want something, it does not have to come right away. I have been wanting to eat the new KFC burger. But I didn’t buy as there was no right moment. Thank God that yesterday when I needed to eat out, I somehow remember and then was able to buy it - although it’s too spicy I think.

Also, I am happy that I ask more questions now without thinking how to put the questions in the best way and at the end never ask the questions. It is a good thing when we don’t think too much. For example, certain info that I have is actually coming from an impromptu encounters which I have little control at. So there is no need to fear, continue to have faith in God. Just like today quote, God will supply our needs. When our needs are greater, His supplies will also be greater.

Stopping when it is good enough

Today it was not that smooth, but overall it’s well done.  I learnt to stop when it’s good enough. Yes, I know what to do ideally but thank God that I can stop according to what was requested in the office. There were still certain things that I crossed the boundary, like when I didn’t fully delegate to my colleague although I have said so. But at least we did together and got things done.

I also asked when it was the time to ask. Things were imperfect, there was even a blank moment for a while. But it was good that I could practice the REBT form and then continued again.

By almost the end of the working hours, I only did 1 of the 3 priority things for today. So the 25 minutes technique helped me to at least spent some time of the other priority item before leaving the office.

After the office hours, I also asked what was planned to be asked. No need to be that detail and perfect, just select and choose. There are many things that we cannot control. so that means that we don’t need to be always in control. We do what we can, and then continue again when the time is available.

Things are still piling up. But the question would be is it helpful to be stressed about them? Would it be more logical to either continue one by one or to rest to save the energy later on. Remember that we can live by God’s grace. So there is no need to say I must do or be something, we can wish but it’s ok if that wish doesn’t come true, as long as we try.

Five Minutes of Writing

It’s quite difficult to keep up with the habit of writing. Since the objective is to cultivate the love of writing and reflecting, let’s aim for the consistency instead of the duration.

So, let’s aim a more realistic goal, to write 5 minutes a day. There is no need to cover all the activities or learning points or insights. But to write down whatever comes up to our mind first.

Let’s write a bit more since last Thursday I was too sleepy to write. The challenge from last week was that after the success I got, I set up even higher standards by deep dive into one areas while there are other things still waiting to be done.

So there are two behaviors that I can change, procrastinate and spend too much time. When procrastinating, I just need to remember to select one and stick on doing it for at least 25 minutes or other given time. The focus is that action comes before motivation. On the other hand, when I already deep dive on something, I need to ask myself whether it is realistic to deep dive further. If not, it may be better to focus on accomplishing something that is good enough. Remember I need to practice to be imperfect and see that we can still live with it and it is perfectly fine for being imperfect.

Apart from the behavior, I also need to identify the unhelpful thinking styles. When I am afraid to reject something or delegate to others, ask what is my emotion. Is it worried? Then, ask what kind of thoughts I have. What kind of shoulds and musts that I have? Remember that it is not true that I must be a good person to everyone. I can wish to be good and nice to everyone, but if I can’t, it is totally fine and there is nothing wrong with being imperfect human who can’t help everyone.

Continuing to build good habits

It’s been almost a week since the last time I wrote. Perhaps since the success last week, I became more ambitious and wanting to do many things that I didn’t even sit down and write for few minutes.

So today I want to continue to build good habits. It is not a must, but a desire which is fine if I can’t do it 100%. The key is to practice recognizing the perfectionism cycle which are exhibited in the behaviors and the unhelpful thinking styles.

For the behaviors, it can be in two directions. One is procrastination where I am afraid to start doing something with many excuses. The other one is when I spend too much time. It means that I already take actions, but I dwell too deep until the thing is perfect and neglect other tasks.

For the unhelpful thinking styles, I need to identify things such as mind reading or mind jumping, and the shoulds and musts I have.

These can be integrated back to the activities I am facing. In the past two weeks since the last day of meeting.

Now I am sleepy. Let’s stop here and then continue next time.