Last day of first half of the year

Today is 30 June which ends the first half of the year. I am still struggling. It has been more than 3 months since my daughter was born. It has been almost two months since the conference in US and a month since the trip to Luang Prabang. This shows how stubborn I am and how desperate my need of Jesus is. Without Him, I cannot change myself.

There are so many people who have been trying to help me. This month for 4 consecutive Saturday my wife spent time for me. Today we don’t go out as she is sick. One of the factors that made her fell sick was because of the stress facing my negative mood. Yet she is still encouraging me together with my good friend from Jakarta who visited us this afternoon.

The conversation this afternoon showed how high my pride is and how I can change my perspective to face reality of life. Again, I doubt whether I can change as I have been failing with similar mistakes.

Well, I cannot change the past. But tomorrow is a new day, the start of the second half of the year. I am not sure what will happen. One thing for sure is that Jesus continues knocking my heart and wait whether I eventually open the door and let Him transform me to be what He wants, to find my passion and work it out, not according to my standard, but by the grace of God.

Willingness to fight

Today is the 3rd consecutive Saturdate thanks to my wife who allocates time for us to have meal outside just the two of us. I am very thankful for her encouragements every time we go out. It also serves as a time to reflect on what has happened in the past one week.

Last week she helped me to see clearly that being stressed may be part of me. So the question is whether I want to be stressed & not working or stressed but working. That is true as even when I am not working I still feel stressed.

Another thing that I realize is that I need to continue to build my willingness to fight. It seems that I give up too easily. Like today I also received an article that fear is always part of our life. The question is that are we willing to fight the fear and trust God or not.

Nowadays I could not think clearly and fast. In other word, I become a normal person who needs time to prepare and learning is painful. So the question is again am I willing to fight and keep practicing no matter how painful it is is? Or am I going to give up?

Also, now that I not only have a wife but also a daughter, am I willing to fight for them? Yes, things may not change and I am not sure whether I can keep my work. But again the difference is that do I want to fight and give my best or do I just give up again?

Remember, God is always be with us. The question is that whether we are willing to let Him work by fighting our portion? Or are we just relying on ourselves that when things get tough, we give up? I do not know how I will be doing in the coming two weeks where deadlines are coming. But let’s fight to the best I can, overcome or at least face my fears instead of running away from them.

It’s the other way around

I often told myself what is the point of praying since I am still like this. But it is the other way around. Think again. If we wash something and the dirts do not come off, do we say what is the point of washing? Wouldn’t we wash more until the dirts come off? Likewise, wouldn’t I want to pray even more in times like this?

Yes, the desire to pray maybe less. But remember that Jesus asks us to bring anything in prayer. So one small action to trust Him is to pray.

Secondly is to be thankful. In times like this, it is even more important to count the blessings. So let’s remember three things from today. First, I managed to take the courage to leave early from the office despite coming late today. Second is the chance to eat nice kungpao chicken with cashew at home. Third is to be able to spend time with my wife and daughter today.

Yes, the feelings are still difficult. And it is not easy to come up with strategies when I even are struggling to survive. But remember that it’s the other way around. When things don’t work, pray, read the Bible, give thanks even more. Things may not change immediately, but those are the right things.

Luang Prabang

My wife and I spent two nights in Luang Prabang, Laos, and just returned this evening. There are many things I am thankful of, here three of them.

The first one is that I can spend time with my wife and remind me how much she has trusted and supported me. I am really blessed by her. In this trip, I could reflect on my worries, my irrational beliefs, my fears, and what I can do to change them. Creating target is one of them.

Second, I learned how to play by ear. We did not plan much. My wife was also the one researching some while I did none. So my expectations were low. But apparently we can achieve - if there are such word in holiday - many things. I also learned not to be angry of the things I forgot to bring such as sunglasses and bags for dirty clothes.

Third, I learn to appreciate nature and culture. The culture and food was unique. The Kuang Si waterfall was nice, and the buildings were unique. There is not much traffice there, a feat for a Southeast Asian country as usually there are many jams. The cleanliness was also good.

So we hope to be able to come back someday and perhaps go to Big Brother Mouse for half a day where we can interact with young people who want to learn English.