37 weeks

Today my wife pregnancy has reached 37 weeks. The estimated due date is 19 March which is based on 40 weeks. But 37 is the magical number. Because anytime from today, our baby can be born. 

The question is am I ready? As this is a planned normal delivery, it can come anytime. At any new day, it is possible that my wife is going to deliver. 

Have I prepared what to bring to the hospital? Have I prepared to take sudden leave and listed down what I need to do so that others can take over? Do I have plans on how to cope with the life changes such as lack of sleep?

No is the answer to all questions above. I am not sure how to manage. But the issue is not whether I can manage. It is more whether I am willing to continue being open to changes, do my best, reflect, pause, change, even in the process of changing the better as too steep of change rate may not be good for the long term.

Yesterday I ran and was amazed that it is possible to run slower but steadier. The difference was only that I had two leaders, one whose pace is much higher than me, the other is just nice. 

Thank God that we have Holy Spirit who is our pace setter. I need to remember that especially when I tend to look at others as my pace setter. At the same time, I need to be faithful and obey the guidance. I am not sure whether I can do it, but let’s give our best even when I am not sure how is the outcome.

Wrong Priorities

As usual I fell down again on how to prioritize. I did the impulsive stuffs and not the basic responsibilities. I left 200 e-mails unopened since 2 Feb when my internal conference paper deadline was near. The manufacturing run had ended on 9 Feb and now it’s already 21 Feb and I haven’t started analyzing the data. 

The over life test almost ends but I haven’t provided the quick insights?

What I had been doing in the last two weeks? Mostly just focused on the paper submissions on 9 & 20 Feb. Then I was busy “educating” my team members on manufacturing, I spent one day for career fair and at least half day to sort out the resumes and sent to managers. I met up with Data Analytics guys. Then I was busy teaching my test engineer in the name of delegating and developing. 

I spent not a little time to promote my book giveaways in office. But the basic responsibility to update my Microsoft is also not done.

And now I start to hate myself. This is not helpful. Yesterday I spent much time being angry because I was angry. So there is no point of being angry because my priorities are badly arranged. What is needed is to acknowledge & to find solution or tools.

Emotional muscle: strength, endurance, and flexibility

Overall I am satisfied with the past few days of Lunar New Year holiday. I managed to get another afternoon nap today. At the same time, I can see how limited time and now I start to feel a bit shaky as I begin to be nervous whether I can do better tomorrow.

I guess emotional muscle is similar to physical strength: we need to develop strength, endurance, and flexibility.

From running, I learn that both strength and endurance are needed. We need to be strong enough to run. But not just for few minutes or first kilometer, but we need to endure as the strength degrades over time. 

From pilates, I learn both strength and flexibility. Sometimes it is not strength that matters but how flexible we are in adapting to the situation and changes. Strength without flexibility makes us rigid and prone to a breakpoint ultimately. At the same time, there are some pilates movement that require strength especially that of core muscle. 

So as I begin to work in office again tomorrow, let’s remember to continue developing strength, endurance, and flexibility. I need to develop strength by learning new stuffs or translating theories to applications. I need the endurance to practice to sharpen skills or to understand difficult concepts. And I need the flexibility to adjust when things change.

Like today, I aimed to do many things. But as it is already late at night, let’s stop, continue tomorrow and adjust accordingly both in terms of what to do and how to do.

Setting up good habits

There are more and more things that I acknowledge can be done in a single shot. I used to do it such as studying last minute or writing paper last minute where I totally focused on that one thing for a certain period of time. But there are more and more things that practice is needed. Or even for understanding, I now need to break down into bite-size lectures or readings instead of wanting to understand them in a part of the day.

Then I realize that breaking down into several parts means I need to set up good habits. Unlike last minute that depends on momentum, bite-sizes learning or work require a habit. Perhaps it is not necessary. But at least for me I tend to forget about them or delay them until I found no more time to do it at night.

For example, this writing. If I delay until I was about to sleep, I won’t do it. Similarly, for duolingo, one of the best time is during lunch queue, or on the way back at mrt. If I miss during those period, I tend not to do it. 

So I need to be creative to set up good habits. Things that are not ambitious but small parts. Just like this, let’s stop here as I want the writing to be less than 10 mins.

New Year New Commitment

Today is the second day of the Lunar New Year. I guess it is timely to start writing again as a form of a refreshed commitment. It has been two years since I start writing. Recently the momentum to write fades away as I have many small commitments such as reading two devotions plus listening to one short devotion together with sharing the contents. Also, I am torn between learning Japanese, Spanish, and Chinese in Duolingo. At the same time, I am enrolling into a Machine Learning course in Coursera. I was also busy in preparing submission to two different internal conferences. At the same time, I am busy with normal work together with the desire to organize prayer meeting or any work collaboration. In other word, I am getting more ambitious and wanting to do many good things. With all those excitements, it is hard to slow down to either make priority of the day or even just reflecting like this by writing. Remember that write & summarize is one of my four strategies so far: postpone taking additional commitments; emotional speedometer; write & summarize; acknowledge & seek help/tools. I need to remember that writing 5 mins like this helps to organize my thoughts and evaluate whether I am just into my emotion or carefully make choices given the limited time and resources.

Calm down when I start to feel overwhelmed

Written on 5 Feb 2018

This afternoon I started to feel overwhelmed. This shows that I started to depend on myself again instead of depending on God. 

In the morning, I already felt slight frustration when the Grab Shuttle was still down and so unable to take. I managed to focus on what to do and troubleshoot all I could and called the support. At the same time I tried finding Hitch. It was impossible but it turns out I got it and somehow I met someone who struggles with his marriage and stop going to church. It was as if God allowed bad things (cannot access Grab shuttle app) for a purpose.

In office I became exhausted and talkative. I managed to cool down and spent 25 mins to start working on a paper. As expected it is not enough and I started to feel the heat. I became confused on what to do first. This feels familiar. When I started to be proud of myself, I want to avoid mistakes and tend to be more conscious. That is when I feel overwhelmed. 

Also, it is not easy to say no to both other people and myself. I kept adding things to my to do list. 

When sudden things happen, I also become confused on which one to follow up first. This is because I only build in little or no safety margin when things happen. 

It is hard to simplify stuffs. I still need a lot of time to do things. Even to decide the internet provider for our new place take a long time for me. 

I guess underlying this is to desire to keep performing well when I felt that I perform well.

Two things I need to remember. Life is difficult and so up and down is expected. Second there is no need to scold me when I am exhausted. The pain and tiredness are there to remind us to either slow down or to change something.

NTU Career Fair 2018

Today I got the privilege to represent my company to join the HP booth at NTU Career Fair 2018. Initially I did not like it when my boss assigned me as I have many pending items. But at least I have enjoyed today. It was a busy day with non-stop talking. I only ate at 1.40 and went to toilet twice, very different than my usual habits. So in the long run, now I know I am not suitable for this kind of position as it is hard for me to stop talking and taking a break.

At the same time, it was refreshing to come back to NTU where I spent time from 2002-2006. It is interesting to both see the familiar buildings and the new ones which did not exist back then. 

It is also nice talking to students, asking them questions, listening to their interest and plan, giving them recommendations on what they may be able to develop based on their potentials.

There were many people who need guidance, not in the technical skills but more for direction to go. It reminded me of my passion for discovering and developing people’s talents to their potential. At the same time, it reminds me on my own responsibility to work hard and smart if I want to channel my passion. 

On the other hand, I need to switch a topic and remind myself who tend to be burn out and busy. I need to know what is the priority. It the priority is not correct and I do things based on excitement, it will back fire in the future. Just as I will observe on the additional load if someday some of the students really contact me and ask help as I have promised them. They may ask when I am very busy. So it would be interesting on how I respond. 

Even today when my colleague asked help that I have promised, I could not deliver as I was busy talking non-stop aside from the lunch and toilet break. So I need to remember on the limit on what to do, such as when I shared about today’s experience with the hiring manager. 

In general, remember the priority, and focus on it instead of worrying on many details. Remember that we can’t control many things, we can just do our best.