Back to doing one by one

Back to Singapore, I am now faced with the question which one to do first again.

The first day after back home is challenging especially the later part of the day when I started feeling nervous and doubting my choices. At the same time, I started well and ended relatively well. 

I began the day with reassuring myself that I can do it and today is not much different than traveling days. In each of the day, we were also faced with the questions which one to do first. It's just that during holiday, my wife is always beside me to help me to estimate time more realistically and to learn to let go on the places that we could not visit due to time constraints. Now it's also still a holiday but since we are at home (well unfortunately my wife has already gone back to office for two days), we do different things such as preparation back to work which means I need to decide on myself which one to do first. 

Then afterwards, I remember my friend's suggestion which is to aim to complete one thing for each day with clear completion criteria. So I made a target to empty the three luggages we have. Also I set alarm for every 25 minutes to remind me to take a break. It's a good thing to stop for a while even if it is less than a minute such as drinking a water. Hopefully I can continue that practice. 

The next day it was also good as my target was to put my carry-on traveling bag to be emptied and put back in the storage. I also swim for the first time in 3 weeks and then met a friend for lunch followed by hair cut. There are still many things to be done though. It just shows that when I am clear on which one to be done, it can really be cleared. So I need to be clear which one that I want to do the most and which one that does not have to be done on that day or even does not have to be done at all. 

Today I did not start as well as the first two days as I was not clear on what to achieve today. It is like going for a holiday but no single plan for that day. It is fine if the one thing to focus is to relax. But if it is not, it is better to set something today which for sure there is as I did not complete all on my to-do-list yesterday. So for example, one thing I can do is to open my e-mail, perhaps not to complete all of them. But the fact to download all my e-mail is also a good thing. Or to set up the e-mail at my phone as I didn't do it during holiday. Writing this blog as well is also one of the thing that I delayed which I think needs to be done today. 

So in this last day of the year 2016, let's continue do one by one again, and be clear on what are the things I want to do today. 

Our Reciprocation Tendency

On the Christmas day, I went to Living Faith Presbyterian Church and heard the sermon from Pastor Andy. His message is refreshing and reminds me on my automatic tendencies.

First, I tend to glance too fast on the gospel that I forget on the significance of Jesus coming to earth as a man. He is God but humbles himself to become a man. It is not a one notch lower but many steps below who He is. Perhaps it is understandable for us to take one step lower, but to be treated lower than who we are is already challenging. But Jesus took it all the way, not only becoming a man but being born in a poor family. Not only that, He is obedient till death. A lot of us maybe obedient till the point that we want or to the point where it's uncomfortable. But Jesus is obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross. 

Second, when I realize on what Jesus has done for me, I respond wrongly. Instead of rejoicing on what He has done, I start asking myself on what I can do for Him. Well it sounds nice. But I need to be careful not to fall on the tendency of reciprocation in Asian culture where others' gift can become guilt and burden to pay back instead of dwelling on the generosity of the giver. Because at least I have seen many times where I want to be the generous side instead of becoming beneficiary. Or at least I want to be equal by paying back other people's kindness.

The problem is that we cannot pay back on what Jesus has done for us. So if I keep asking to be good enough, there is never a point in the future that I will be good enough. And again the focus is wrong if I dwell on myself instead of enjoying how great Jesus is and start a living full with joy and awe of Him.

Be careful in generalizing!

I had the privilege in visiting three cities in US and try their metro trains. From there, I learn to be careful in drawing conclusions too fast and in building a perception based on my imagination or what people said. The first city to visit is Washington DC. I heard that it is worse than New York City and so I had a low expectation. It turns out that they have a card called Smart Trip that we can tap just like in Singapore. And the train was decent. I also only tried short distances as the maximum I went is less than five stations.

Then I went to New York City with a higher expectation. It is surprising to see that the metro subway is dark and not clean. I also feel uncomfortable with their notification system and pathways. It is hard, at least in the station near my hotel, to find out how long to wait for the train or the train schedule. I think there is none. So if there are two options of going to the same place, we will not know which one to take based on the arrival time. After we decide just by the fact whether they are express or local train, we also do not know how long more to wait. The pathway is also troublesome. There is no escalator or lift. And the worse part is that sometimes the entrance determines the direction. So we need to pay again if we are on the platform with wrong direction as we need to exit, cross the road outside and enter again. This is significant as their system is a one fixed fare regardless the distance. Also the card system is a bit outdated as they still use the filmsy card with magnetic stripe to swipe.

This is where the danger of generalizing lies. Since I thought New York City is supposed to be better than Washington DC in terms of the subway, I lose hope on the system and thought that in US, the train system is worse than other countries like in Singapore or the few cities in Europe I have visited. So I have low expectation when I go to Los Angeles. This is because there is even people who do not know that Los Angeles have metro train! The perception I heard before is that the public transportation of New York City is good while we need to drive in Los Angeles. It turns out I was totally wrong. Los Angeles has a card called Tap - which yes, we can just tap instead of swipe. The card is solid just like in Washington DC and Singapore. And yey, the metro station is nice and bright together with good timing notification. It is even better that they give two timing for each direction, the coming train and the subsequent train. So at least we have a rough idea on how long to wait if we miss the train (assuming we are on the entrance and we cannot run fast).

So thanks to the metro train experience, I was reminded to be careful not to immediately trust my own perception or what I heard, as well as not too generalize too fast in drawing conclusion for something bigger like the country experience just based on one or few cities.

Cheer up; you're a lot worse off than you think you are

That’s the quote from Jack Miller that I got from Rev. David Bisgrove’s sermon this evening. The point is that we can stop proving ourselves. No matter how good we think we are, we are not good enough before God. Often I want to be the best in terms of both character and performance in work and family. But the thing is that it is impossible to do that. So the good news is that we are worse than we thought. We don’t have to take things seriously because the things that we are proud of can be collapsed anytime. At the same time, we can appreciate how great the grace of God through Jesus as we remember the essence of Christmas.

We don’t only remember Christmas as a giving season, but a time to remind that Jesus comes to take control of our life. Only by knowing Him we can know who we truly are. And what He has done for us is to realize how we fall short of God’s standard and how He has died in place of us that we can have a renewed relationship and ability to worship God.

Back to the quote, the complete quote from Jack Miller is as follows, "Cheer up; you're a lot worse off than you think you are, but in Jesus you're far more loved than you could have ever imagined."

Keeping a good habit

It’s hard to keep a good habit. We need to build it over a long period of time but it takes a short time to stop it.

A good analogy was using lip balm during winter. I used it for the first three days when I reached US. However, afterwards, I let go that good habit due to various reasons such as rushing to the conference site. At the end I only remember about it several days later when my lip started to crack. What a pity. I know that I don’t like using lip balm. But finally I convinced myself that I don’t like it but I can stand it. I don’t have to like it but it is rational to use it. After all the efforts to do in the initial days, I started to let it go.

Likewise is about this writing. It was not easy to encourage myself to write. But nowadays I started to let it go. I still remembered that during the last long trip in June, I still keep the habit of writing even when I was traveling. In fact, I wrote down a list of topic on what to write that I can continue later on whenever I am free. It is a pity if now I don’t write down immediately on the possible topic to write. It’s almost two weeks of traveling and there are so many interesting points that I have learned. Although it’s difficult, let’s continue again on the habit of writing 5 mins a day.

Just Do My Best

Today I was reminded not to give up easily. There are things that I wanted but I felt like giving up because it is hard to manage. Or on the other extreme, I tend to think just do it anyhow, do for the sake of doing. Both are not right. I need to do a good job. I need to do my best. It is falling forward, even when I fall, I try to get back up again in a forward manner. 

It may take longer than other people. But it can be done. The most important thing is to give my best, not to escape and take easy way out. I need to think, not just why I am not like what I want, but on how I can improve myself towards my goals. 

When I am tired, it is okay to rest for a while, but not to the point that I do not want to wake up. I need to get up again and continue the journey. 

As for whether I can do it or not, the question is how would I know? To be frank, we never know whether things will happen. And that’s why we need to keep trying. Just like today, amazingly I can meet a friend from New York at Tokyo station among a huge amount of people and out of the many possibility of time that we can be at the same place together. But yes, God can make it happen. So as we are not entitled to see the future beforehand, we never know whether something that is impossible is really impossible. Because to God, everything is possible. 

Physically stuck

I often experienced emotional stuck, a state where I could not think clearly and consequently am unable to move. Yesterday I experienced a physical stuck on my bag where the zipper accidentally grips on the cloth that it could neither close or open. It gives me the benefits of going through the process of overcoming a problem.

Automatically two things came up on my mind. First, why I was not careful enough to cause the zipper to stuck. Secondly, why it had to be stuck that way, as in I could not access to the contents of my bag. I wished the stuck position was different in a way that I could still put things in or take things out from my bag. These are my usual automatic response - why I made such a mistake and why my mistake results in significant blockage.

After I came out from my guilt and denial stage, I had to face the problem solving stage. My usual response is to stick on the method that does not work. I tried to open it by force and it didn’t stuck. I tried harder and it didn’t move. I wanted to keep doing it.

Fortunately I was with my wife. We googled the way to overcome a stucked zipper such as using lubricant like soap. But it didn’t work. I wanted to continue doing the thing that didn’t work. But we decided to go for dinner first as it was the time to eat. We tried to buy tweezer after dinner but it didn’t help much. We tried to google again and was reminded to observe the place where the obstruction starts instead of just the place where it stucks. So my wife came out with the idea that we need to step back, instead of directly opening it, we need to close it a bit. I tried it while observing the cloth that was stuck and finally managed to close and then open it.

It was a good experience and reminder that when there is something stuck there is also a solution as we persevere finding ways to address the problem.

How does having high expectation benefits me?

There was a question asked to me, how does perfectionism benefit me? In other word, what do I gain from my efforts to become perfectionist?

There are several possible answers. One is that by striving towards perfection, I can feel good about myself. There is a low self-esteem in me that craves for the achievements that help me to feel better. But how do I define as achievements? Is it defined as being better than others?

Second is that perfectionism often leads to procrastinate. Procrastinate makes us do last minute stuffs which are useful in two ways. In Tim Urban’s words, it is useful because it wakes up the panic monster who can beat the instant gratification monkey within us. Another use I think is to give myself excuse if I am not doing well as I want because of the limited time I have. So my real performance becomes unknown as compared to if I have prepared for a long time.

But finding answers are not the main goal. The main goal is to find a healthier alternative that can yield us the same benefits. That is because perfectionistic tendency along with procrastination are costly. I need to acknowledge the benefits that they bring and at the same time realize how destructive they are in the long run.

For example, high expectation realized in perfection will probably make us more needed, but at the same time it means more work which can steal happiness from us.

So I need to keep asking why do I want to have high expectations. What are the goals behind it? Is there any healthier alternative?